Basic Instinct [stranger things]

76. Letters

CHAPTER SEVENTY-SIX
LETTERS

Aaron,

I want to start this off with an apology.

I haven't been honest with you for a long time and I know that isn't fair to you, I've known for a while that it wouldn't be fair to you.

I'm sorry.

You're probably going to be confused about why I even wrote you this but I want to tell you how I really feel and get stuff off my chest. I would do it face to face, but I honestly don't think I'd be brave enough.

I want you to know that this has nothing to do with you at all, and I need you to remember that. If I could, I'd stay with you forever, honestly I would. But I can't.

I know it sounds weird and this is all very out of the blue for you but I needed to write this for you so you really know what happened to me and why I had to do it.

I don't regret what I'm about to do, but the fact that we will have no more time together definitely made me debate myself against doing this, but I know I have to.

I know you're probably a little surprised at this and you probably thought I was much better, and I am, but this isn't a sudden thing.

I promise I was getting better and to be honest I didn't even want to do this. But I recently realised I only had two options, wait to be killed in a horrible way at any point or do it myself. I'd rather do it myself.

I know reading that you're probably freaking out, you've probably already got your shoes on to run around to my house to change my mind, but you can't. I promise I'm not dumping you. Don't think this is a break up letter because it's not.

But I suppose I am breaking your heart. Or maybe I'm not? I find it hard to tell these days what people are thinking of me - I always have. Which is fair, it's my own fault I guess. I always overthink everything, and I know really you don't hate me, I don't know why I always convince myself otherwise. I think it's maybe because I'm scared of you hating me for some stupid reason, I'm not really sure.

If you haven't already worked out what this letter is about, which I'm guessing you haven't if you're still reading, I'm really sorry. I'm not really sure how to explain how I feel.

I'm just so tired all the time and I've been holding on by a thread for a while, I guess what's been going on this summer was just the breaking point.

I can not do this anymore. I need an out and this is the best I can come up with. I've been putting it off for too long now, I've been wanting to go for years now, I guess I've just never been fully ready. That's probably why whenever I'd tried to in the past I'd never actually got far enough to fully go through with it, at the most I think I passed out for a couple minutes or got dizzy, I can't really remember. But I'm ready to go now, and I know I have to.

I'd appreciate if you didn't tell the others I wrote to you. I haven't written to anyone else and I don't want them to think it's because I think any less of them or anything, I don't want to cause a rift between you and the others or something.

I couldn't bring myself to write to Max, not with everything going on with her brother, I don't want to cause her anymore stress. I don't want her to know that however I go, I did it myself. I think that would be too much for her, knowing that I had been struggling and she hadn't done anything, even though there really wasn't anything she could do to help.