Hey !! Its Cupid Calling (Completed) 18+

Chapter 34

Arjun POV

If someone told me Ira would walk into my home wearing a gorgeous saree looking as beautiful as the nature around, telling me that she loves me then I would call them crazy as I have thought Ira and me were like the sky and the earth. We would never meet, ever but god gave me an insane surprise.

I woke up in the morning as usual, finished my jog, my usual shower and I was about to make some breakfast when Ira knocked at my door. When I opened the door I was shocked to see her in front of me, for a while I thought I was day dreaming.

When she came close to me I could take the essence of her in. She smelled like cotton candy today, may be a new perfume she tried out. Her skin felt smooth and velvety, I embraced the warmth which engulfed me through her. Her hair smelled like roses and nature. I was in a daze after that, I said out the 3 letter words back to her which were waiting to jump out of me and it did. When I said those words her eyes shined with happiness and pleasure. The twinkle in her eye was difficult to miss. I looked at the imperfect perfection in front of me, my fingers wrapped around her wavy hair strands at their own accord running it along the whole length of it after which I pulled her close to me for a hug.

This was heaven

I loved her, I day dreamed on the possibilities between us but I never fantasized about her like how guys normally do about their teenage crushes when they are hormonal, rather I always respected, valued her too much. I was too fond of her and dreamed often about how would it be when I could hug her or hold her hand or when I had her for life time but this right now the complete fulfilling hug was enough for me.

I forgot about everything, my heart sang happily while my mind closed down for a minute letting me enjoy the moment until the past of mine and the words of hers from the few days ago appeared in my vision.

It felt like a truck ran over me to push her away and the way she looked at me with questions, sadness and dissapointment on her face made me feel like a douche but I know I had to convey the storm inside of me

Me: We love each other Ira, but we cannot be together

Ira: Why ?

Me: Because it is not possible

Ira: Why ?

Me: Because we are different people

Ira: What do you even mean ? We love each other despite the differences and you did say a few seconds ago on how you love me

Me: If love was the only thing enough in this world then a lot of people would not have split apart

Ira: You are confusing me Arjun

Me: Life is confusing Ira, we want a thing so bad, like I wanted you in my life. I wanted to hear the 3 words from you 

Ira: Which I did say out loud

Me: Yes, but now that you said it out loud along with a moment of euphoria there are different concerns which propogated inside of me which I was negligent to see it when I first proposed 

Ira: What are you saying Arjun ?

Me: I love you but I dont think I am the man for you 

Ira: Be specific Arjun, I do not understand

Me:  Just like you will not be able to get rid of your insecurities and lack of faith in the possibility that you can be happy for long term, just like that I might not be forever be emotionally available for you which is what is the most needed inyour case

Ira: So you are saying that my insecurities and my lack of positivity in life is your problem?

Me: Everyone has insecurities, there is nothing wrong in that. My insecurity is that I might not be emotionally abled to help you, to support you whenever you need. I am underskilled in that area. 

Imagine you are having a bad day and you are putting yourself down, doubting yourself, you build walls around you, you reject the good things but you would also want me to fight through those walls and win you over but if I lack in that you would get a new reason to curse your life. 

Ira, I might be able to support you, understand you, cajoile you, pamper you and make you feel wanted, loved and protected on some days but what if I lack to do that for rest of the days because I am having a bad day or I am just too tired to care ? So, that little moments are enough for you to question my love for you and that question is enough for me to feel so hurt to walk away. So, I dont think we are well matched. 

I said that and turned away from her. I could feel her presence around me, I could hear her sniff and I could hear her deep breathes to calm herself down. She walked close to me and hugged me from behind.

Why is she doing that ?

Ira: This would be a good bye Arjun. I get your point you think I would need a 24*7 babysitter who has to be my shoulder to cry on, who has to wipe my tears, who has to take care of the vulnerable me and who has to boost my confidence everyday. 

Yes, I have my bad days Arjun, I need support but I am also equipped enough to take care of myself. You will realize that when I will be taking care of myself after you said these things. 

Yes, I would appreciate any compliments or good vibes I get but it does not mean that I have zero love or zero self esteem or confidence on myself, if that was the case I would have never walked out of the shabby disrespectful marraige or I would not be working with people or I would not be walking away from you rather I would have been begging you to take me

Yes, I have feelings, I cry, I panic, I feel anxious, I flip sometimes but I also get a hold of myself, I distract or divert myself, I indulge in self care, I reason practically and I know I am not at fault and then I heal.  

Yes, its good to have a shoulder to cry on but I have been surviving pretty fine without that for years and I never demanded you to be my shoulder 24*7. Just because a person has all these emotions does not mean they are untouchables and should be judged. Yes, we may be shattered and damaged but we are surviving even then but what are you guys doing, judging and cowardly walking away ? You claim to love me but you made me out to be a weak dependent cry baby who needs constant eye on them. Is this your love Arjun? 

Ira: You know what hurts the most ? Someone who you really love judges you for the same things on which you are extremely critical about yourself too. That was one of the reasons I rejected your advances in the beginning thinking why to tie you up with a weak person like me.

That was it she walked away from me and closed the door behind her back

Ira was gone and from what I see she will never want me now. I walked to the window and saw her crossing the road with tears in her eyes. That broke me, without my permission a few tears made its way out of my eyes.

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Indu