Open When I'm Gone

4. The Hardest Part.

I sit on my floor, her box of letters sitting in front of me. I've been sitting here for far too long, but no matter what I do, I can't make myself open any of them. So I turn to my next option, a small blue flash drive slid into the bottom of the box. My name is scribbled onto the plastic with a few hearts sketched around it.

My hand trembles as I slide the drive into my computer, a singular file popping up, a minute and a half long video file. I click into it.

Suddenly, her face fills my screen and I feel like I can't breathe. She looks so perfectly real that my heart feels like it's breaking apart piece by piece.

I press play.

"Hey Simon," her voice is hoarse, "If you're watching this, you either are being a brat and going through my stuff, or... Or I'm gone."

I pause the video, my hands shaking, vision blurring. I think I'm on my back but I don't remember falling, I don't remember hitting the ground.

Eddy, her beautiful voice fully suffocating me, my throat tight.

She

Is

Gone.

No no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no.

I can't see, I can't feel, nothing feels real. It feels like someone is sitting on my chest, shoving a fist down my throat, screaming at me.

"SHE'S DEAD!"

"YOU COULD HAVE SAVED HER BUT YOU DIDN'T!"

"THIS IS YOUR FAULT!"

"NO!" I feel the sound from my throat, my fingers digging holes in my shag carpet.

I feel like I'm dying, I feel like everything is crumbling around me. She's not here, she's not here, and that's the one thing I don't think I can live with.

I

Can't

Do

This.

But one thought calms me as my vision darkens around the edges:

If I'm dying, I won't have to live without her anymore.

I'm coming, my love.

***

I finally go to school, walking through a haze from the moment I enter the front door. I'm barely even aware of the people who come up to me, asking if I'm okay, offering reassurances. I keep my head down, trying to make my presence unknown.

I wear her bracelet around my wrist, using it as a lifeline to guide me back to reality when I start to stray. The school days have become dull without her, the little pile of notes she would leave in my locker collecting dust without another to add to the pile.

The ringing of the bell breaks me from my senses, my head buzzing from the noise. Taking in a deep sigh, I put my head down and walk to class.

I don't think I can do this anymore.

I don't think I can pretend to be okay anymore.

"Simon!" Someone calls, footsteps pounding behind me, "Hey, Simon, wait up!"

I turn around slowly, making eye contact with a pair of eyes the same brown as mine. Her platinum blonde hair hangs loose around her waist, her cheeks a bright shade of pink.

"Simon, you okay?" My twin sister Abby asks me, wrapping her arms around my midsection, resting her head on my chest.

"Not really," I sigh, "But what do you expect?"