Open When I'm Gone

17. Sara.

 Every morning for the next four days I wake up with texts from Jolie.

I'm sorry.

I wasn't thinking.

Please forgive me.

Say something.

I never meant to screw it up this bad.

Can we please talk about this?

Simon?

And despite the twisting in my gut every time I receive a new message, I leave her on read. Every day until the Tuesday before Christmas break when I don't wake up with a new message from her.

Good, maybe she's taken the hint that I don't want to talk to her.

Even days later, I'm still fuming about the whole situation. How could she even think that would be a good idea? I never gave her the idea that I even had feelings for her, much less wanted to kiss her.

But... I kissed her back. Just for a moment, but I was the one who didn't pull away when she kissed me. I let her hold me in the kiss, I even wanted to kiss her back, even if just for a moment.

But she never apologized. She never said it was an accident, never told me it would never happen again.

I haven't even seen her at school recently.

Although we have no classes together, and neither of us have been called for rehearsal. So I guess it's not all out of the ordinary.

I'm just used to seeking her out, wanting to see her and therefore, seeing her in return.

I feel the buzz of my phone in my pocket and take it out to see yet another text from Jolie.

I know this is my fault and I'm sorry. I never meant to make this such a mess. I'm sorry. Just know how much I love you, and that you are worth every breath anyone uses to say your name. Never forget that people smile when they think of you.

It's a sweet message, but I don't have time for this. I shove my phone back into my bag and rush back to class just as the warning bell rings.

But I sit through class with a knot in my stomach that I can't seem to unwind. I feel like I could vomit into my backpack as I sit in this chair.

But her words play over and over again in my head, even going back to that night.

I shouldn't have yelled at her, it was awful of me.

Oh god,

I told her I hated her, like I actually hated her.

I never meant a word of it. Of course not. Jolie is my best friend, I can't believe I even thought any of the words I told her.

Oh my god.

My hand shoots up before I can even think about what I'm doing, trembling, bouncing in my seat.

"Yes, Mr. Williams?" My teacher asks in the most bored tone I've ever heard from a teacher.

"I need to- Can I use the restroom,"

She scoffs, pulling out the bright pink hall pass and handing it to me. "Fine. Go quickly please."

But I'm already out the door, my backpack swinging to my shoulders.

I know why the pit in my stomach feels like the entrance to tartarus. It's because those words that she used, they were the ones I used when we met in the hospital.