Open When I'm Gone

22. How Would You Feel (Paean).

"What time are you coming over to my house tomorrow?" Jolies voice is tired over the phone, humming out quietly over the receiver.

"I don't know," I try to imagine her at this moment as I hustle around my bedroom. She's probably laying in her bed, her sunset orange comforter tucked up around her neck, her phone cradled between her head and her pillow. I can almost see it in my mind's eye, her dark hair braided tightly in the way that she always has Hannah do, her pale skin in sharp contrast to the black hoodie I lent her when I brought her home from the hospital last weekend.

Even when I imagine her, she's stunning.

"Can you please ask?" She whines teasingly, "My parents are having their Christmas Eve party at seven and I want you to be here before then so I have an excuse not to go."

I chuckle as I mull over the calendar that hangs above my desk, my fingers absentmindedly twisting the bow of her Christmas gift.

"I'll be there at noon?"

I can almost hear her smile over the phone, the kind of wide grin she only gives when she gets overly happy as she replies with, "You read my mind. See you tomorrow."

***

I wake up the next morning to my mom standing over me, a wide grin on her face.

"Merry Christmas Eve." She whispers, planting a gentle kiss on my forehead. "Abby made pancakes when you're ready."

"Abby's here?" It takes me a second to even process her words. Ever since the start of Christmas break, I've barely seen Abby at all. She's either always been with friends, or on a date with this mystery boy everyone refuses to tell me about.

My mom just bites her lip as I sit upright. "She just left ten minutes ago to go meet some friends for some last minute shopping, but she told me to tell you Merry Christmas Eve."

Of course she did.

I don't know what has happened between us. It seems like since Eddy's death, she just pulled away. I've tried being there for her, but everytime I do, she just shuts down.

I feel like I'm losing Eddy all over again.

It takes me forever to haul myself out of my exhaustion-induced state, shuffling out of bed and into the bathroom where I splash a gracious amount of cold water onto my face.

Today is Christmas Eve.

It's my first Christmas without Eddy.

Christmas was her favorite holiday, and it's one of my favorite things to get her phone calls at 5 Am when she would always wake up on Christmas morning.

Well, it was one of my favorite things.

This year feels so different from last year. I mean, this time last year, I was waking up on the floor of Hanson's bedroom, Eddy's raw laughter ringing through hallways of the house at the sound of Bri's off key rendition of 'Silent night'.

This year the house is silent. There's no singing, no laughter. Just the weight that I've created in my head.

My footsteps seem to echo through the house as I shuffle down the long hallway. Christmas music plays from somewhere downstairs, the faint sound of piano being the only thing to reach me from here.

Jolie invited me over to her house for Christmas Eve. She promised we would have a good time, although she refused to tell me what we're doing.

Everything has been so different since she got out of the hospital. Her smile seems brighter, and everytime I see her, her eyes are alight with a new sort of childlike wonder. Her hugs seem tighter and her words more genuine, like a new light has been sparked in her burnt out soul. It's something I never expected to see, light from her barren soul.