Open When I'm Gone

29. When The Party's Over.

I can feel the pit in my stomach before I even open my eyes, smell the biting rose and lavender smell of her perfume even though I'm halfway across the country from where she's buried.

My body feels cold without Eddy next to me.

My whole body feels stiff, aching with more than just stiff muscles from yesterday's adventures. I ache with a longing of the days when I would sleep in her hospital bed next to her, just to be near her. I would wake up with her hair wrapped around my fingers and her perfume wafting through the room.

But I'm not with Eddy. I'm in Florida, with the Cherith's.

And Eddy's dead.

I can't even get out of bed with the weight pressing so heavily on my shoulders, the weight of her loss. It's like a physical blow, being here again, after everything I've done to run from this feeling.

But I hear the rest of the family in the living room, laughing and talking, the smell of breakfast wafting under the closed door.

I try to take stock of everyone else still in the room. I can hear Mitchells snoring above my head, Arthur curled up under the sky blue comforter in the bed across from me.

The sun's peeking through the window, its rays stabbing daggers into my eyes.

Eddy loved the sun. She said it was her favorite feeling, the sun on her face after staying inside for so long.

I'm shaking as I haul myself out of bed, joints stiff and muscles screaming with unreleased tension.

I miss Eddy.

I feel the bags under my eyes, dark without even having to see them.

I feel like I barely slept a wink.

I remember when she would call me when I couldn't sleep, talk to me until I drifted.

Now she's gone and I sleep alone.

"Good morning, Sugar." Mrs. Cherith grins at me, sliding me a paper plate stacked with pancakes, the syrup pooling around the edges of the plate.

I try to smile at her, but it feels forced. My cheeks can't move and my teeth won't show themselves.

Even my body is rejecting the happiness I'm trying to force myself into.

I sit down next to Jolie at the long bar counter, practically collapsing into the chair next to her.

"You good, Prince Charming?" Jolie asks, her voice so low I know it's only meant for me to hear.

I nod numbly, shoveling food into my mouth without even thinking about it. I'm so out of it that I barely think about the food itself, the calories and the fat content.

I feel her hand on my knee, and despite my better judgment, I flinch away from her.

I can't even bear to look at the hurt expression I know is plastering her face. And it makes my stomach curdle, but when I think of holding her hand, kissing her, doing anything, all I see is Eddy. Her beautiful face with her freckles and gap-toothed smile.

"I'm gonna go," I mumble, shoving my plate away as I step back from the table, ducking out the open door and into the shivering air.

The clouds are rolling in, bringing a biting chill I'm not used to in the dry heat of home. It looks like it might rain.

My feet pound on the sidewalk, and I don't even realize I'm running until my chest is heaving for air.

Breathe, Simon.