Where'd he come from?

I deserve it

//guys please go read hey you okay I'm almost done with it and it used to be so popular and I was like #5 on so many ranks and now nb reads it please help I put my whole heart and experiences in that story and it flopped so hard//

He walks out the door, a smirk on his face.

What does he mean?

I lay back on the couch and remember my purse is still in Evans car.

Autumn
Hey have y'all left yet? My purse is still in your car

Evan
No we haven't I'll bring it to you

Autumn
Thanks

I walk to the door to open it for him.

I can walk better, I feel a little better.

The door creaks open and his handsome face is standing there, purse in hand.

He hands me to the purse and kisses me on my forehead.

I smile and he waves goodbye.

I shut the door and decide to do a little....snooping.

I know, I know it's bad but, I'll put everything back and I won't tell him anything I find.

I just start to explore the house a little.

I mean, I may never be here again.

I walk into the bathroom, 'ooo this is nice.' I think.

I see his skincare on the counter, green flag!

The door of the cabinet opens smoothly, there's an unopened box of tampons inside.

There are 3 possibilities, 1 he's talking to another girl, 2 he's just a really nice guy and wanted to think of me or 3, it's from an ex.

I don't think any smart girl would leave her unopened box of tampons at her ex's house.

Those things are expensive!

There's nothing else interesting in the bathroom, so I go to his bedroom.

The room me and Evan were in was not a guest bedroom.

I'm kinda grossed out I was laying on his unwashed sheets.

I shiver at the thought that his sheets are dirty.

There's nothing surprising in his room.

Just some..Uhm.. toys! If you will.

I mean, he had them well hidden, took me a minute to come across them.

I shove the box back under his bed, I'm disgusted, not surprised.

I finish exploring just as Blaire arrives.

I didn't trash his place, it's such a nice house too.

Everything went back where I found it.

My stomach still hurts when I get in Blaire's car.

I can walk now, though.

My vision is back.

I guess that's what happens when you don't eat for two days.

"Blaire," I say, smiling. " guess what?"

"What's up?" She says keeping her eyes on the road.

"Evan...umm..." I clear my throat, "kissed me!"

Blaire gasps, "What!?" Her mouth opens but she never takes her eyes off the road.

We talk about if Evan will ask me out tonight, or gossip about the girls at work we don't like.

"Maybe a 'true loves kiss' is all you needed to be resurrected from your zombie state." Blaire jokes.

"Or maybe it was the not eating for two days but, who knows." I joke back.

I've always made jokes about my problems, when I was in middle and high school I would joke about how I cut myself.

It's like a way to cope.

Joke through the pain, you know?

Just like I'm doing right now, joking through the eating disorder I can't seem to get rid of.

I've had it since Freshman year.

It never seems to go away.

Always right there to bite me in the ass, just when I'm finally happy.

I don't want it to be there, it drives me insane.

Blaire drops me off at her house and tells me she'll take me to work in the morning.

I walk in my house to a happy Mayor, and a note from blaire.

"Hope you feel better! I did the dishes and fed mayor. I love you!" It said, in her perfect handwriting.

I love blaire.

She is so nice and caring.

It's 3:45 now, I suppose I should shower.

Before I can get in the water, or even take my clothes off or exit the kitchen, a thought comes to me.

Tw: SH and OCD

'You don't like your body right?' It says, 'so cut it.'

It's an intrusive thought, I can't get it away.

Something in my mind tells me I have to, or something bad will happen.

I reluctantly grab a knife from the holder

Last tw 🤩

I lift up my shirt to see that flab of fat there.

I place the knife at one side of my chest, I rip it across my body.

I don't even flinch.

'You didn't do it good enough, again.' The thoughts say.

I place the knife at another spot, I drag it across my stomach.

This one is much more deep, it almost hurts.

The blood that pours out of it is kind of...satisfying?

I want to do it again.

The reality hits me, I just relapsed.

2 years clean and I relapse just like that.

A part of me feels good, accomplished.

I'm so glad I got to feel that pain again.

I've missed it over the past few years.

It's like a lemonade on a hot summer day.

A drink of water after a run.

Like when you take your shoes off, after a long day of work.

I miss doing it on my wrists more.

I still remember that one day I cut my whole arm!

Ahh, that was the best feeling I've ever had.

To cut and cut and cut and cut,

Until there was no space left.

It takes everything in me not to plunge my knife into my gut.

After all,
   
                            I deserve it

//okay it wasn't my first intention to make autumn do that but I physically cannot write a story without it like maybe there's something wrong with me (there 100% is) but like if I can't do it then autumn has to😭//

//THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ALMOST 150 READ IM SHITTING MY PANTS🖤🖤//