Where'd he come from?

Ash it is

//I go on stage in 10 minutes can I finish this part??//

He stops, he doesn't finish his sentence.

"Will you be my....girlfriend...?" He says, he looks me in the eyes, nervous.

"Aww Evan," I say, I squeeze his hand a little tighter.

I put my hand over my heart, "of course I will."

Evan let's out all the breath he's being holding in.

"Wow, you were nervous, weren't you?" I giggle.

"Extremely." He replies.

"Oh really?" I say, "don't be, you should be nervous around me."

I swish in my seat, I do not want to be here.

I want to be alone with Evan.

I just want him to hold me.

There is no reason for my desire.

I just do.

The waitress brings us the dessert he ordered.

We eat and talk.

Just the normal first date couple stuff.

Is this our first date?

He takes me back home.

We hold hands the whole ride and get to know eachother more.

We have only known eachother for a week or so.

He pulls into my driveway.

"Alright," he says, "I'll see you at your shift Monday."

"Okay." I say.

We kinda just look at eachother, for a long time.

"Oh my god, just kiss me already." I say.

I lean in and kiss him.

He kisses back.

I enjoy our kiss.

But it doesn't feel right.

He tells me goodbye and wake me to my door.

I pet mayor and go to my room.

I take a long look in the mirror.

The things going through my head are not long that I am too fat or ugly.

It is that I do not feel like me.

I feel like I am in the wrong body.

The thing the waitress said races through my head as I sit down on my bed.

"Female" I think.

I don't like that term.

I sit and stare at the wall.

Thinking of why I feel like this.

I can't even figure out what I'm thinking,

I decide to search it up on my phone.

"Why do I not like to be called a female?" I type.

It says some things about gender dysphoria and how it is how you know you're probably trans.

I have always liked boyish things.

I was just too scared to wear them out in public.

Maybe I am trans?

I mean, the more masculine terms seem more fitting to me.

I don't really like makeup, I just don't feel pretty without it.

But I feel better without it.

I feel like I am who I am meant to be.

I feel my best in baggy clothes and short hair.

Maybe that is why I keep my hair shoulder length.

I have always wanted a boy haircut.

How would Evan feel about this?

His girlfriend thinks she is a boy?

Well, I don't know yet.

Do I think I am a boy?

That is too much to handle, at this moment.

I must go to sleep now, maybe I will figure it out in the morning.

-

I wake up to a ding from my phone.

It's Evan.

Evan
Heyyy good morningggg

Autumn
Good morning

Evan
Are you working today?

Autumn
Nope

Evan
Great
That means you're spending the day with me and cam

Autumn
I didn't agree to this

Evan
Well you do now
See you at 10🫶🫶

I flip my phone face down and get out of bed.

I am not annoyed with Evan.

I think it's funny.

I would've said yes if he had asked first, anyway.

It is already 9.

I think it's best if I get ready now.

My outfit today is baggy shorts and a black baggy shirt.

I don't have makeup on today.

I feel like myself in this outfit.

I never did like dresses or anything.

I am insecure of my bare face.

But I will push through.

-

Me, Evan and cam all had a great time today.

I felt my best in these clothes and with the ones I love.

Maybe I am trans.

That is not finalized yet.

-

Me and Evan have been dating for a month, now.

I have been dressing more boyish and only wearing eyeliner.

Not winged, just around my eyes.

I am my most happy.

I haven't cut, or had the urge to.

I feel so good.

I even went shopping and got more boy ish or baggy clothes.

Evan helped me.

He got me a necklace.

It has a little skull on it.

I think it is beautiful.

I am starting to think I am trans.

Soon, I may cut my hair super short.

I ask evan, "would you still love me if I was a boy?"

"Well, autumn, I am bi. So yes, I would." He answers.

It makes me feel better about my feelings.

I start to think what my new name would be.

I have always liked Ashton.

It is close to my real name.

So,

Ash it is.

//I did not finish it and it is now the next day and I have to on stage in three hours so instead of getting ready I'm writing for y'all//