Bad Idea! *Ellie Williams*

•15•

Trigger warning: mention of Suicide I'll put another warning by when it's actually talked about

Willow's pov

I quickly push Ellie off, before any of us could chase after Jacklyn she takes off for the door.

"Ellie wait! Give her time." I call out to her and she turns around. "Stay out of it Lo!"

Her voice was rough and angry and I'm taken aback. She takes off after Jacklyn and I can't help but be left with seething jealousy. Did she genuinely care for Jacklyn. A part of her had to know they wouldn't end well right? And if she did genuinely like her why try to be with me? Why care about me at all? As selfish as it was I wanted her to stay here with me. I knew Jacklyn was hurt and I know Ellie wasn't the only one to blame.

"Dammit." I kick the door shut and pace around the room. On the verge of a panic attack everything comes rushing back. I was a horrible person from the very start and running away wouldn't change that. I had hurt Jacklyn like I did with Celia. What if Jacklyn did something irrational? It would be my fault again. I can't think about that, no! I took long breaths but no matter how deep they were I still felt like I lacked air in my lungs. With shaky hands I reach for my cellphone and dial the number I had memorized so very clearly.

No answer, of course. That much I knew. There was no way she'd answer, it was impossible. All that was left was her voicemail.

"Hey this is Celia, I can't come to the phone right now please leave a message." So simple, she had always been simple. Never asked for much. Not that I ever cared, now it was too late. See I always judged Ellie but me and her? We were the same and that was the punch line. Using girls to our own benefit without a care in the world whether or not they got hurt in the end. I called the number again and again. Who knows how long time passed before I heard a soft knock on the door.

"Lo?" I look up towards the voice and I see Jesse's face that is instantly riddled with worry. "Lo what's wrong?"

He rushes towards me, my cheeks full of dry tears.

"It's all my fault Jesse."

"What's your fault Lo? What's wrong? Hey hey look at me."

"I killed her." I sob "It's okay, shhh. Calm down. Tell me what happened?"

"Celia, it's my fault she's dead. My fault!" I slam my fist against my thighs and he stops me. "Shh come here. It's all gonna be okay. Come let's take you home okay?"

I let Jesse help me up and Dina drives us home. Ellie was nowhere to be found and when we got back to the apartment it was completely empty.

"Dammit where is she when I need her the most." Jesse mutters as he guides me inside my room. I hadn't spoke since I got in the car. "You ready to talk now?"

I stood in silence and Jesse sat down next to me.

*TW START*

"Celia. That was your girlfriend right? Why didn't you tell me she..."

"She killer herself." I spoke roughly. "She had apparently been struggling with depression and I didn't know. Me the person she loved and trusted. I didn't know."

"Willow that's not your fault."

"It is! I never bothered asking her how she was. If I'd known then maybe..."

"Willow you can't blame yourself for that."

"Yes I can. She loved me she truly loved me but to me she was just a pastime that's why I didn't pay much attention to her." There was a long silence between us and I wondered if Jesse saw me any different. Was I still his sweet little sister?

"Okay say you did know about her depression do you think it would've played any different? There's so much you can do for someone struggling with mental health. You could've supported her yes that much is true but at the end of it all, there was only one person who could help her and that was herself. An outsider will never understand the internal pain people feel."

I lean my head against Jesse shoulder and sigh. It was a big relief letting all of that go. Even with his reassuring words I still felt a hint of guilt in my heart but he held some truth. "Thank you, you always make me feel better you know."

*TW END*

"That's what big brothers are for no? If you don't mind me asking what made you think about it all? You seemed to be doing fine then..."

I sighed and placed my chin on his shoulder. I gave him the look and he tilted his head. "What did you do?"

"Promise not to be mad at her."

"Mad at who?"

"Ellie..." I practically wince her name and I swear a saw his soul physically leave his body. "I knew it! Oh I'm so gonna kill her."

"Wait!" I pulled Jesse back down and he crosses his arm. "You have five minutes to explain."

About thirty minutes later I explain everything
and how Jacklyn walked in on us. "Jesus Lo."

"I know."  I pick away at the nail polish on my nails and sigh. "Just promise not to make it a big deal?"

"Lo..."

"Promise Jesse." Jesse let's out a huff before standing up. "Fine."

"Thanks. Do you think she'll come home tonight?"

"I don't know Ellie tends to disappear when things get complicated and this? It's complicated."

♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡

Two days had gone by and Ellie still hadn't stepped foot in the apartment. I think have the emotional capacity to care about her or where she was at. Now that Celia was fresh on my mind and I could no longer pretend it didn't affect it she was all I thought about. I had been too busy drowning in self pity to make peace with the fact she was gone. I guess if it hurt this much a part of me did love her. Just not enough.

I had to accept the fact I didn't do all I could've done for Celia and that eventually I'd have to forgive myself for it. Talking to Jesse did help, any doubts I had he crushed and I couldn't love him more for it.

"You sure you wanna go in today?"

"I can't avoid work forever." Jesse gives me a worried nod and he walks me outside where my Uber ride is waiting. I dread it the whole ride. Bumping into Jacklyn, what would I say?

"We're here. Have a good day."

"Thanks." I exit the car with a smile that immediately drops from the nerves. I nervously make my way inside every step heavier than the previous one.