bad guy | b.e.

Nervous | 021

B I L L I E

I'm literally freaking out. Jordyn and I are on the way to school and after that, we're gonna go to my house.

I'm planning on showing her something I made, but I might get too nervous and end up not doing it.

This girl is absolutely taking over my mind. Since the day I met her, she's captivated me. Though I was an asshole to her most of the time, I was still obsessed with her. Why? I don't know. I've tried to understand why I'm so drawn to her, but I don't know why.

I can't tell what it means.

Well, I know why, but I don't know how it happened.

I feel like I'm losing my mind. Why do I like her so much? Why do I feel this way about her? Why do I want her so badly? Why do I want her to be mine? Why do I-

"B, we're here." Jordyn says, tapping my shoulder which makes me jump. "Woah, are you good?"

"Yeah, sorry. I zoned out." I say. "You've been doing that a lot. What's on your mind, pretty girl?" She asks.

God, I'm absolutely fucked if she keeps calling me that.

"Don't worry about it." I assure her. "But I care about you. You can tell me anything, you know." She smiles softly.

"Thank you, Jordy, but I'm okay." I tell her. "Alright, if you say so." She shrugs her shoulders and sighs.

I know she wants to know, but I can't tell her I'm going insane over her.

I just can't.

I'm probably not even a thought close to what I think about Jordyn in her brain. There's no way she'd ever see me as more than a friend. I mean, I've been horrible to her. She has every reason to hate me and not hang out with me, but she still does and I don't understand why.

But I can't help but think about that one time we kissed.

I feel disgusted with myself every time I think about it though because I humiliated her.

But I loved it. Not the bad part, but kissing her. It almost felt like it was right. Like it was supposed to happen.

I wish I kept going if I'm being honest. I wish I would've just let it happen instead of being an asshole.

If only I wasn't such an idiot and ruined things, maybe things would be different by now. But I know that won't happen anyways. I think she still loves Normani.

They literally had sex. Girls get an emotional attachment after that and I know it firsthand since I'm an asshole player.

I truly hate myself for everything I do.

I wish I could change.

It might not be too late. Maybe someday.

I'll have to keep dreaming though.

The two of us get out of the car and Jordyn starts walking a different way than me. "Jordy, where are you going?" I ask her. "I figured you wouldn't want to be seen with me going inside." She shrugs. "I know you like keeping your act up at school, so you don't have to act like we're friends today if you don't want to."