Music in My Hart: Huskerdust Children FanFic

Chapter 10: PTSD

For a day that was supposed to be simple, so much had happened. The one thing at the forefront of my mind right now however was that Demetrius needed me. Well, not exactly me specifically, but he needed someone to care and to comfort him. I knew that he hated being seen as vulnerable especially considering the stigma of the society that he was exposed to in life. He grew up in a society that expected men to be void of all emotions that were considered feminine or weak.

         I however, grew up in a more empathetic society that taught me that it was okay to not be okay regardless of our gender. I was determined as a real, true friend above all else to show him that. Now, I know what you ladies and effeminate fellows are thinking. 'Omg Jessie you're in love with him! Get a grip!'

        My response? Well, so what if I am? I've openly loved many people in my life. Most notably my father, my grandfather, and my mother. I never had siblings so I was pretty much used to being alone.

      Regardless, the only thing love ever gave me was heartache. My father died at a time when I needed him the most and the same goes for my grandfather. My mother was all I had. She made sure that I knew it too. Despite her many flaws and shortcomings, I still gave her every ounce of love that I had to give.

      I guess in the end, it was never enough. So why would I want to put myself out there again? That's like putting out a blood stained sign in the middle of the Pacific Ocean to announce to sharks that there was a free, all you can eat buffet available. I would be setting myself up for more pain. I mean, I'm sure that it would be nice to have reciprocated love but it just seems that I've never been lucky in that endeavor.

        One of two things always seems to come in and fuck it all up. Either the relationship with someone itself is perfect but they die or they never truly love me to begin with and they continue to hurt me and take my love and kindness for granted. So while I know that I'm likely falling in love with Demetrius, I just can't afford to succumb to it. So I keep him and everyone else at arms length because then that way, no one gets hurt. Do I have my own selfish desires and moments of weakness?

        I suppose, but so does everyone else in Hell.  When Demetrius kissed me for the first time however, for the first time in decades I actually felt... a sense of safety. In fact, Demetrius feels to me at least, like the safest person I've ever been around. However, what if this new dynamic we have developing between us ruins all of that? Well, I guess I can kiss my safety net goodbye.

         I let out a heavy sigh as I watch him breathing in his sleep while lying wrapped up in my arms. He was just too gorgeous that I couldn't resist him even when I try to. Something about him was always pulling me back to him each time I wanted to pull away. When he kissed me like that... I felt lost and yet I felt safe and I'm still not entirely sure if I'm okay with feeling like that. I've never been a huge fan of conflict but it seemed to have that written all over it. 

         I let out a sigh and whisper soft while he's still fast asleep. "What am I gonna do with you?" He nuzzles in closer into my breast and I giggle slightly. He's just beautiful in every way possible. He's gentle, kind, and caring towards me which seems to be pouring over into his other relationships for whatever reason.

        He starts stirring and then he opens his eyes and looks up at me, "hey. What time is it?." I grab my phone from the night stand, "it's 2:18 in the morning." "What are you doing up so late?" He asks squinting his tired eyes at me before yawning.

       "I don't know. I guess I'm having a hard time sleeping." He takes his hand and gently brushes it down over my eyes, "sleep." I laugh, "I don't think it works like that, you dork." He chuckles, "eh, it was worth a shot."

        I slide myself down to rest my head on the pillow and tighten my arms around Demetrius. He lets out a purr and I giggle softly. "Jessie?" "Hmm?" "I just wanted to say thank you for checking in on me and uh, for staying with me.

        I'm used to dealing with this stuff on my own but, it's been nice to have someone to help me through it. Uh, also,... I'm sorry for making things awkward earlier I overstepped and I should have asked before kissing you. "It's alright, D. Let's just try to get some sleep, okay?" He lays his head back down on my chest, "uh, okay. Good night." I smile, "Good night."