Music in My Hart: Huskerdust Children FanFic

Chapter 22: Avoidance

        After kissing Demetrius the other day, I've been doing everything in my power to avoid him. I know that I love Demetrius but at the same time,... I just don't know how to break past my fears. Angel had told me that love was something that I had to be willing to surrender to and to be honest, I don't like the concept of surrendering to my emotions. I know that the moment I do that is the moment that I lose complete and total control. As someone that likes to be in control of everything, the very idea of surrendering to anything or anyone meant that I would be left feeling vulnerable.

         In life, vulnerability wasn't a luxury that I could afford because I needed to be able to survive in the abusive environment I was subjected to. I let out a sigh and start putting away my sketch book and my color pencils. 'Maybe Angel's right. Maybe I just need a little bit more time. Maybe, just maybe, Demetrius and I can help one another to through this shit storm we've been tossed into.

       A couple minutes after putting my stuff away I hear a knock at the door. "Who is it?" "Hey, babe! It's Carly." I smile immediately, "alright!

         Come in!" The door opens and it's Carlton. He was wearing tie die, rainbow colored pajamas. 'He always did have a style all of his own,' I think to myself smiling as he walks over to sit on the bed next to me. "So, I want details, girl!

       How'd your not-date, date go?" I roll my eyes at him and smile, "well, kinda good, actually." He lays down on his tummy and crosses his ankles up in the air, so... what happened? You're taking too long to tell this story, here." I laugh, "hold your horses with your sassy tail, self!"

      I look up at the ceiling trying to remember everything in chronological order. "Well I'm just going to pick up where we left the restaurant." "Okay," Carlton says acting antsy. "So, when we got out of the restaurant I literally swept him off of his feet and flew us back to the hotel." "Awwww!!!

       That's so romantic!! I love the twist of the girl sweeping the guy off of their feet." I scratch the back of my head awkwardly,"well actually, that part didn't quite go as well as I was expecting it to." Carlton raises an eyebrow up at me, "oh? Wait.

       Don't tell me." I let out a sigh, "yeah..." His eyes widen with bewilderment, "girl, this is why you always ask for consent." "Yeah, I know, I know, spare me the lecture, Carly, I say slightly irritated crossing my arms over my chest and looking over to the side irritated. "Anyways, as soon as we got to the balcony outside of my room I sat him down and he immediately ran to the side of the balcony and hurled."

      Carlton slaps his hand up to his forehead, "ugh... girl if all of that isn't proof that he loves you, I don't know what is." "How so?" "Really Jessie? 'How so?' The boy literally got sick to his stomach twice in one night because of something you've said or done and he's still chasing after you like a lost puppy dog!"

         I roll my eyes and change the subject, "so anyways, I went into my room and got some medicine for his stomach and showed it to him. Then he followed me back to my room and I pour the medicine in a medicine cup and gave it to him and he acted like a little child about taking it because it tastes bad so I teased him about it until he finally took it."  "Awww... you guys are soooo cute!"  I blush and continue with my story, "So anyways I go get changed in the bathroom and he got change out in the main bedroom part. Then in our pajamas, we sat on his bed and talked for a bit about all kinds of things.

         And then... well, I actually noticed for once that Demetrius doesn't like to sleep with a shirt on and I was already tipsy after having about two or three daiquiris that night so...." Carlton immediately sits up and crosses his legs  and puts his hands in lap, "oh. My God. Jess... did you lose your v-card?" I blush bright red obviously embarrassed, "Carl!" "What?

        It's just a question so did you or didn't you?" I let out a sigh, "no Carly, I didn't. It's too soon for that." Carlton throws himself back on the bed and groans in frustration," I swear to God, Jessie... you move so fucking slow!!" I laugh and pop him on the leg and he giggles, "you know what,... shut the fuck up."

        I let out a sigh, "anyways what DID happen was, I kissed him.... You know on the lips." He lets out a squeal and it startles me enough to send me reeling back towards my pillow. "YES!!! FINALLY!!! Something happened!"

         I roll my eyes, "yes but it still doesn't change anything I say getting up to go get my box of nail polish lacquers. His jaw practically drops to the floor, "doesn't change anything?! Girl, it changes EVERYTHING and you know damn right I'm speaking gospel truth!"
I walk over with the box and sit on the bed shield my face with my wings, "but you see that's the thing, Car. I don't want things to change."

        He places his hands on my forearms, "Oh, Jessie... you have to let go of your past sweetie. I swear, no one is as crazy as your momma was." I feel the tears falling from my eyes, "but what's the point at the end of the day? I loved my mom,.... a piece of me still does but I still had to kill her anyways. I don't want to love someone only to turn around and lose them... I just— I couldn't go through that again.

       Not a second time." Carlton pulls me into him and gives me a hug, "oh sweetie, I understand your pain but right now, all you're doing is trying to survive each day but I know you, and know that you are longing for someone to return that love that you so willingly give out to others. But that's never going to happen if you keep living in the past. I'm sad seeing you so unhappy. I just don't want your past to get in the way of your future."

          I let out a sigh. I know that he's right but I don't even know how to let go no matter how much I really want to, "you're starting to sound like, Kuya Angel now." He chuckles, "us Italian gay men know a thing or two about relationships, good or bad. How many more Gay Italian men is it going to take before it finally sticks? Honey, it's so obvious that you're madly in love with him and he's definitely madly in love with you.

         Hell, I could tell from our first group meeting that he has eyes for you and you alone. But you see, he's not going to wait around forever for you to make up your mind and tell him how you feel. Hell, the guy's just as insecure as you so if I'm right, which I already know I am, he's waiting for you to come out and express your feelings first. I mean, a man that really cares about a woman or another man if they're gay or whatnot, isn't going to aggressively force themselves on you especially if they catch on that you tend to go back and forth with your feelings. But ultimately, it's your afterlife and you have to live it for yourself."

       I let out a sigh, 'maybe... it is the time to let my walls down.' I think to myself.
"Thanks Carly." "Anytime girlie-Q! Now, let's get our nails done because honey, my nail bed is a complete travesty!" I laugh and open the nail polish box for him.