Love In Denial

32. lost him ?

Avni Pov

The blood was oozing out of my skin, my lashes were forced to close and despite having a desire to control myself all I was doing was to lose myself.

I have to control myself.

I pressed down the knife, feeling the sharp sting as the edge grazed the skin near her elbow. It was deep  enough to make me feel the pain, but not enough to make me forget the pain.

My lashes were getting closed i was on the verge of losing my consciousness then my phone rang.

It  is vibrating incessantly, but i didn’t have the energy to pick it up. It was too far, and the weight of my body felt like stone. I glanced at it briefly, seeing the screen light up again and again, but my vision blurred, and the buzzing eventually faded into the background noise.

I reached for the phone on the table but barely had the strength to answer it.

With the closed lashes, heavy breathing and shaky body i roamed my palm around the nearby table and suddenly my palm hit with something and all the things fell down on the floor besides me.

I don't know what happened but a voice was coming in my ear.

A woman's voice.

"Ahhh" i screamed when something broken pierced my skin more and then i lost my consciousness.

.
.
.

Loud banging.

Loud banging of the door forced me to come back in my consciousness.

"Avni ma'am please say something,"

"Are you okay ma'am"

"If you don't reply to me one more minute, i will call Shivansh sir to break the door"

Shanti kaki was on the door continuously begging and screaming to open the door.

How does she know I am not well or something is wrong with me.

"I am fine, i am sleeping" i whispered with a barely audible voice.

"Ma'am, please open the door" her voice seemed little reliefd to previous one.

"I had to use the washroom, i will meet you after coming back" i lied and  glanced at the wall clock,  i think it's since half an hour and I am yet on the floor with the bruise near my elbow where i used the knife.

After years i did self harming again and after years i felt good.

The blood continued to seep slowly, but it wasn’t much, just a thin trail tracing my arm. The cut wasn't on my wrist, wasn’t a vein—just a harsh cut on my soft skin.

Same skin which I loved because he used to worship it.

With so much effort i straightened up myself and then dragged myself into the washroom and immediately say inside the bathtub to calm my anxious mind .

I leaned my head back, sinking into the tub, my breath shallow and uneven. A deep exhaustion crept over me, my limbs heavy and cold.

Everything seemed distant now,the  warm water surrounded me, but it did nothing to ease the coldness I felt inside.

My knees were drawn to my chest, arms wrapped tightly around them as I sat in the bathtub, my tears mixing with the water. I couldn’t stop thinking, couldn’t stop the questions that were tearing me apart.

"Why did he love me when in the end he had to abandon me like everyone else ?" I whispered to myself and broke into dry tears.

The image of him flashed in my mind his face when he craved me, the way he calmed my uncontrolled body, the way his holds my mind.