Empires SMP incorrect quotes

21

DND gone wrong

Pix: *the dungeon master* Enter the dungeon and on the far side of the room you see... a door!
God Joel: Can I... seduce the door?
Pix: No you cannot.
Pirate Joe: Can I seduce the door?
Pix: Also no.
Mayor Lizzie: Can I punch Zeus?
Pix: *rolls dice and talks to Joel* Uh, Zeus, you take four damage.
God Joel: Well, I transform into a beaver!
Pix: You do that now?
God Joel: Now can I seduce the door?
Pix: Still no!
Mayor Lizzie: I punch Zeus again.
Pix: *rolls dice* Three more damage.
Princess Katherine: Can I fight the door?
Pix: No.
False: Uh, I also would like to fight the door.
Pix: No one can fight the door!
Princess Katherine: I FIGHT THE DOOR!
Pix: YOU LOSE!
Princess Katherine: I fight you.
Pix: Ares, take a walk.
Sausage of Sanctuary: Is the door dead or alive?
Pix: It's a door.
Sausage of Sanctuary: Can I enslave its soul?
Pix: How would you- no!
Sausage of Sanctuary: Can I build a better door?
Pix: Do you want to build a better door?
Sausage of Sanctuary: I acquire lumber from the surrounding forest!
Pix: *rolls dice* You do that.
Scott of Chromia: Is the door locked?
Pix: No.
Scott of Chromia: I open the door.
Pix: You do so. Inside is one small treasure chest.
God Joel: Can I seduce the treasure chest?
Pix: No!

The emperors' ages

Count fWhip of the Grimlands: *talking to all of the emperors* Okay, who's the oldest here?
Lizzie, Jimmy, Scott, and Shrub: *raise their hands and then look at each other* You're not the oldest; I'm the oldest!
Emperor Joey: Shrub can't be the oldest; she's too short.
Shrub: Hey!
Lady Katherine: Joey, just because someone is short doesn't make them young. Shrub, how old are you?
Shrub: I'm a hundred and sixteen.
Everyone: A hundred and what?!
Shrub: I'm a gnome. They usually live for a couple of centuries. I'm technically a teenager. 
Count fWhip of the Grimlands: ...Okay, who let her be an empress if she's only a teenager?
Wizard Gem: You did. 
Count fWhip of the Grimlands: Oh. Right.
Ocean Queen Lizzie: Jimmy, for the last time, I'm the older sister! I'm older than you!
Codfather Jimmy: You don't even remember when your birthday is!
Ocean Queen Lizzie: Neither do you!
King Joel: Then how do you know that you're the older sister?
Ocean Queen Lizzie: Because Jimmy found a random note in one of his random chests from me telling him that I'm the older sister. 
King Joel: Okay, seems legit.
Pix: Uh, Lizzie, do you even know how old you are?
Ocean Queen Lizzie: Not really. I just know I'm really old.
Scott of Rivendell: Then how are you so sure that you're older than me? I'm seven hundred! 
Pix: Why is everyone older than me but I'm the one who's the most mature?
Ocean Queen Lizzie: Hah! I'm the oldest! I think that I'm at least eight hundred!
Scott of Rivendell: You think?
Ocean Queen Lizzie: Hey, it's not my fault that I got amnesia!
Codfather Jimmy: Actually, the letter you wrote pretty much says it's your fault.
Ocean Queen Lizzie: ...Right.

Easily offended friends

Oli: Man, this turkey sandwich is so good! I'm so glad we came here!
Princess Gem: I know the food is always good here. And it's great value too!
Princess Katherine: Yeah it is.
Great Witch Shelby: And you guys are always so positive. It's really great. I know some people that are negative and they can't see anything good in anything and people like that are just not very pleasant to be around. 
Pirate Joe: Guys, I'm right here.
Great Witch Shelby: What?
Pirate Joe: I said 'I'm right here'! You guys are talking about me like I'm not here but I am and I don't like what you're saying about me!
Princess Katherine: Joe, I don't think she was referring to you.
Pirate Joe: Oh, how could she not be?! You guys know how much I hate sandwiches and love being negative. 
Princess Katherine: I didn't know you hated sandwiches.
Pirate Joe: Why do you think I'm eating soup, Katherine; it's like a hundred degrees outside!
Princess Katherine: Guess that makes sense.
Great Witch Shelby: Joe, I wasn't referring to you, really.
Pirate Joe: Promise?
Great Witch Shelby: I promise!
Pirate Joe: *sighs* Sorry guys, I just got out of hand there. You know, I don't want to be that guy, you know, who's so prideful and unwilling to back down.
God Joel: Guys, I'm right here!
Joel, I didn't mean you.
God Joel: Look, I can't help it that I'm better and more confident in everything than you guys. Sure, I'm physically built as if Michelangelo chiseled me from stone. But don't put that on me!
Count fWhip of Gobland: Okay, so you're a little cocky, there's nothing wrong with that-
God Joel: Oh, so the truth comes out, you know what? Most of the time I'm just acting confident to cover up my insecurities because I don't want to be the guy who's overly sensitive about everything!
Sheriff Jimmy: *gasps* I am right here! 
Count fWhip of Gobland: Do we know you?
Sheriff Jimmy: You don't even know me?! I have been coming here for ten years and I have all of your birthdays memorized! *to Oli* Happy birthday. 
Oli: We forgot about my birthday. 
Sheriff Jimmy: I know. 
Scott of Chromia: It's not like we didn't notice you. You're clearly not the kind of person we'd all forget.
Pix: I'm right here. 
Scott of Chromia: Oh! Pix! How long have you been there?!
Pix: I gave all of you guys a ride here! 
Scott of Chromia: I remember being driven here by a faceless orb...
Pix: Yeah, yeah, I know, okay I was voted 'most forgettable' in my high school. Didn't end up in the yearbook. But at least I'm not one of those people who steals food from other people's plates! 
Mayor Lizzie: Pix, Oli's right here. 
Count fWhip of Gobland: Guys, we've got to get out of here, the movie starts in fifteen minutes.
Princess Gem: Yeah, it looks like we're going to have to take Main street; the cops just shut down the freeway 'cause they're looking for a homicidal maniac. 
False: You guys, I'm right here!

Hermes is a cannibal

Hermes: *eats a cinnamon roll*
Mayor Lizzie: Hermes, you cannibal!

Lizzie's guilty

Lizzie: The only thing I'm guilty of is being adorable... and also assault with a deadly weapon. 

Why Scott's into politics

Scott: I was born for politics. I have great hair and I love lying. 

Katherine's haircut

Great Witch Shelby: How would you like your hair cut?
Princess Katherine: Preferably with scissors, but a sword could be badass. 

Jimmy's guardian angel

Jimmy: I think my guardian angel drinks. 

Lizzie's cheese

Lizzie: The waiter at Olive Garden has been grating my cheese for 6 hours now, waiting for me to say when. Customers are screaming. Three people have died. I will not yield.

What Sausage is going to do

Sausage: I'm gonna mix a can of Red Bull with seventeen shots of espresso in a fishbowl and then chug it while Kids by MGMT plays in the background so I can perceive twenty-three spatial dimensions and fight my own soul.