Don't Look Back (A Depression Awareness Story) [Revising]

𝔓𝔯𝔬𝔩𝔬𝔤𝔲𝔢

【Ｐｒｏｌｏｇｕｅ】

At the age of five, I used to think that the world was perfect. I believed that everyone was equal, nice, and friendly—it turned out I was wrong. I soon realized that people can be unfair, rude, and violent and that the world isn't always rainbows and smiling faces.

I guess I can say that my best friend, Aya, helped me realize that. She's a shy one. Sa tuwing naglalaro kami at may ibang mga bata na gustong sumali ay bigla nalang siya tatahimik at magtatago sa likod ko na akala mo ay kakainin siya ng mga ito—but she can be loud and noisy at other times, especially when she's with me. We've been friends ever since I can remember and she's basically my sister from another mother.

"Den-Den, hindi ka pa rin ba tapos?" She asks as she leans against the doorframe, looking as impatient as ever.

Binalik ko sa ilalim ng kama 'yung shoebox na hawak ko. "Ito na! Mainipin ka talaga." Natatawa kong sagot habang sinusuot ang sneakers ko. Muntikan pa akong madapa habang papunta sa kanya dahil sa bag na nakakalat sa sahig. Dakilang tamad ako pagdating sa paglilinis ng kwarto ko kaya naman palagi itong magulo at makalat. "Tara na."

Hindi sumagot si Aya at tahimik lang ako na sinundan palabas ng kwarto. The house, as usual, is dead quiet. Nakapatay ang lahat ng ilaw na animo'y walang tao. Tahimik kaming dalawa na naglakad palabas bago nagsimulang tumakbo patungo sa beach na malapit sa main road. We spend most of our free days there, picking up seashells and putting them inside a glass jar for our collection.

The two of us are wearing matching pink cardigans, both fluttering in the cool rush of the wind as we run. Pagdating sa beach ay naupo kami sa malaking bato na tanaw ang kabuuan ng malaking dagat. Ilang segundo kami binalot ng katahimikan bago ito binasag ni Aya. "Yung picture na tinitignan mo kanina," she paused. "si Tita Maeve ba 'yon?"

Tumango ako. "Yeah."

Kahit na nakatingin sa dagat ay nakita ko mula sa peripheral vision ko na sumimangot siya. "You're still looking at it? Denise..."

"Okay lang ako, Aya. It's not like tinignan ko 'yon para maghanap ng rason na magalit ulit. She's dead and it's not like I can bring her back. I just want to make sure that I don't forget what she looks like. She's my mother, afterall." Sagot ko at nginitian siya.

Hindi ko siya narinig na sumagot. Naramdaman ko lang na hinawakan niya ang kanan kong kamay at kahit na wala siyang sinabi ay napagaan niya pa rin ang pakiramdam ko. Aya knows everything and I'm really thankful that she's here—and she always knows what to do.

We stayed there for three hours. Nang makita namin na papalubog na ang araw ay tsaka namin napagpasyahan na bumalik na. Aya and I live in opposite streets so we stopped in front of the intersection separating it. "See you tomorrow? Ako naman pupunta sa inyo."

"I don't know." Nagdadalawang-isip niyang sagot. "Baka may gawin ako bukas." Nakita kong pinaglalaruan niya 'yung charm bracelet sa kanyang pulso kaya naman napahawak rin ako sa suot kong katulad nito. We bought these last year on this super old thrift shop downtown.

Tumango ako. "What about the day after tomorrow?"

Nginitian niya ako. "Sure."

Tuluyan nang lumubog ang araw kaya naman mas maputla na ngayon tignan ang kanyang mukha. I turn slightly to the right as I give her a smile. "Bye, Aya! See you!"

She stayed silent for a few seconds. It's as if she suddenly became lost in a world inside her head. Bago ko pa siya mabalik sa reyalidad ay nagawa na niya ito nang mag-isa at tinanguan ako nang nakangiti. "Bye!" Sagot niya bago tumalikod at naglakad papunta sa kabilang direksyon.

I watch her walk away with a smile on my face, not realizing that that would be our last farewell. The next day, I never saw her again. She just disappeared.