Don't Look Back (A Depression Awareness Story) [Revising]

Twenty-Seven

[ｃｈａｐｔｅｒ ｔｗｅｎｔｙ－ｓｅｖｅｎ]

       I left Dra. Lewis' small clinic that day feeling more confused and hurt. Our short talk didn't help at all and the grief just intensified. Hindi ko na ulit siya nakausap and the days went by like a blur after that. I was too engulfed in my own grief and devastation that I hadn't noticed that a week had passed since Aya's funeral. A full, heartbreaking, and painful one week. And in that 7 dark days, ni isang beses ay hindi ako dumalaw sa kanyang puntod. It's not that I was busy. I just didn't want to. Just the thought of going to the cemetery and staring at the grave of my dead best friend was enough to nauseate me and make my chest tighten. I can just imagine what would happen to me if I actually go there. Alam kong hindi pa ako handa na makita siya—correction, her grave. Hindi ko pa kaya.

Right now, I'm nothing but an awful mess. Hindi ko alam kung kailan matatapos ang lahat ng 'to. I'm not even sure if it would even end because the pain is so intense that I feel like I'd just someday learn to live with it for the rest of my life. I knew I was spiraling down an endless dark hole. I was tormenting myself by crying at every opportunity I'd get. In the whole 7 days na nagkulong ako sa kwarto at iniyakan ang best friend ko, the grief had turned into anger. I was mad at Aya. Because she left me. Because she had to put me through something like this. Because she knew that I was the weak one between the two of us but she still decided to hurt me like this.

I didn't want to make this about me. I mean, my best friend just fucking killed herself. I should be sad and grieving and doing everything I can to make sure that her memories will live forever. She's fucking dead. I shouldn't be mad. Pero masisisi niyo ba ako? She was an important part of my life and she just... left. Disappeared like foam. No warnings. No farewell message. How could she do that?

The sharp pain from my back snapped me from my thoughts. Napaungol ako habang pinipilit ang sarili na bumangon. Oh god, I smell so bad. Ilang araw na ba akong hindi naliligo? Dahan-dahan akong tumayo para hindi mabigla ang katawan kong halos buong araw lang nakahiga bago sinimulang kaladkarin ang sarili papasok ng banyo. I didn't recognize the girl that stared back at me in the mirror.

The amount of weight that I'd lost from crying was obvious. Para na akong panda sa lalim ng eyebags ko and my hair could even pass as a bird's nest. Sa sobrang pamamaga ng mga mata ko I could barely keep them open. Oh god. I look awful.

Pinilit ko ang sarili na maligo kahit na gustung-gustong bumalik ng katawan ko sa kama at umiyak ulit. I let the tears mix with the warm water of the shower. Pagkatapos maligo ay sunod ko naman pinulot ang mga nakakalat na tissue sa sahig ng kwarto ko. It took a significant amount of energy to do these simple tasks and when I'd finished, parang gusto ko nalang matulog ulit.

Nakaupo ako sa kama at wala sa sariling nakatitig sa pader nang bumukas ang pinto at pumasok si Manang Flor. Her eyes scanned the room for a moment and I saw the small hint of relief when she saw that I'd managed to clean myself up. The last time she was in this room ay kinailangan niya pa akong kaladkarin papasok ng banyo para lang pilitin na maligo. "Hija," Her voice was cautious, as if she was stepping on thin ice. Pero alam ko na naman kung bakit siya nandito. I saw the news yesterday so it won't surprise me anymore. "Nasa baba ang daddy mo. Gusto ka raw niya makausap."

"Buhay pa pala 'yung matandang 'yon." Bulong ko sa sarili. I didn't care whether she heard me or not. Tumango ako nang hindi inaalis ang tingin ko sa pader. "Okay."