Don't Look Back (A Depression Awareness Story) [Revising]

Special Chapter

To everyone struggling with depression or is currently going through something, please hang in there. You are brave. There's a warrior inside of you. You can do this. If you're reading this part of my story and you're on the verge of giving up, I hope this will give you some kind of strength and hope. If you're looking for a sign because the pain is too much and you want to quit, this is it. Don't let anyone tell you that your feelings are invalid. It's ok to be broken and it's not your fault that you're hurting, so be nice to yourself. You matter. I care for you. I love you.

- Lots of love, dee.

[ SPECIAL CHAPTER ]

Naupo ako sa swivel chair at tinitigan siya. Kasalukuyan siyang nakahiga sa couch habang magkahawak ang dalawang kamay. Nakatingin siya sa kawalan at walang kahit na anong emosyon na makikita sa kanyang mukha. Ni hindi niya nga alintana na may benda siya sa kaliwang pulso. Ilang minuto na siyang hindi nagsasalita na parang walang balak na sagutin ang tinanong ko.

I pull myself closer to her. "I'll ask you one more time." I said in a gentle tone. "Why did you do it?"

Sa wakas ay tinignan na niya ako. Sinubukan kong maghanap ng kahit na anong bakas ng kalungkutan sa expression niya pero wala akong nahanap. Ngumiti siya nang mapait. "Because life sucks and people are shit. Wala naman mangyayari kahit mamatay ako. Sisikat pa din ang araw. Gagalaw pa din ang oras. This world is better off without me."

I stare at her. Maganda siyang dalaga at siguradong mas maganda siya kapag nakangiti. Ang mga taong katulad niya ang hindi mo aasahang tatangkaing patayin ang sarili nila, pero tulad nga ng sinabi ni Dra. Lewis, hindi madaling makita ang depression sa isang tao. They are the ones who put a smile on the day and then feel nothing at night. "Ilang beses mo na nga ulit sinubukan?" Tanong ko.

Saglit na napadaan ang kanyang tingin sa folder na nakapatong sa ibabaw ng coffee table. "Three times."

"Three times..." I said, nodding. "But you constantly failed." Hindi siya sumagot at napayuko lang. I've read her case record yesterday. The first time was taking a handful of pills. The second was attempting to jump off a bridge. And the third is running a blade across her wrist and letting herself bleed to death.

"Talunan na nga sa buhay, talunan pa sa kamatayan." Bulong niya, mostly to herself.

"Can I tell you something?" Sambit ko. Hindi siya sumagot at tinignan lang ako. I gave her a genuine smile. "You made it another second, another minute, another hour. You made it another day—and you should be proud of yourself because I am. I am proud of you. You're okay. You will be okay. It's okay to be scared. It's alright to want to scream at night. It's alright to fall and bleed. You are normal. Realize that you're stronger than you were the day before. You are beautiful and I am proud of you today. I am proud because you're still here despite all the pain. I am proud of you, always."

Depressed people don't need words such as 'you'll get over it, just deal with it' or other words that we always say when we deal with emotions. Kapag ang isang tao ay depressed, kailangan niya ng assurance; ng acknowledgement. We have a duty to reach out to the depressed ones. To make them strong. To make them feel that it's okay to be a mess and that it's alright to be scared, or upset, or confused. We have to give them the assurance that they're not alone—that someone understands. We all feel depressed in our lives, maybe not the medical type of depressed, but still depressed. Because at a certain age, we are all nothing but an army of broken hearts and aching souls, desperately searching for satisfaction; for fulfillment; for happiness.

"I'll give you a proposal." Sambit ko habang nakatingin nang diretso sa kanya. Tinitigan ko siya nang may ngiti sa mukha. "Give me ten days to give you ten reasons why you shouldn't kill yourself."

Tinitigan niya din ako pabalik na parang naguguluhan; na parang hindi niya maintindihan ang ginagawa ko. "Bakit mo ba 'to ginagawa? Hindi naman tayo magkakilala." Pailing-iling niyang tanong.

Why? That's easy.

"Because I understand you. I want to reach out." Hinawakan ko ang kamay niya at pinisil ito. "Someone out there cares. You're not alone. You're never alone."

* * * *

Don't Look Back

All rights reserved 2015 by thepuremaknae