OUT

Chapter 13

Wednesday, October 8th 2014

Jack sat in the back of UCD's gigantic 'Theatre L'. This room really emphasised how large both his course and the population of the campus in general was. There had to have been five hundred of them packed into the place like sardines, and there were still a few empty seats down the front apart from two or three mature students who couldn't possibly be any closer to the lecturer - who looked like a female version of Severus Snape. She was his 'Coming of Age Fiction' lecturer, which was actually one of his more interesting modules, even if she sounded like she hated her life and had never had an orgasm.

'...and in terms of theme, this idea of identity and belonging with Carroll's Alice is a central aspect of the story. Throughout the book, we see our protagonist grappling with questions of who she is and where she fits in the peculiar world she finds herself in. Her journey through Wonderland serves as a metaphorical exploration of her search for self-identity and a place where she truly belongs.'

Jack frantically took notes. He hadn't finished the book yet, but was actually enjoying it. He had seen the animated film loads as a kid - one of his cousins was obsessed with it growing up and she practically had it on loop in her house - so he knew how it ended but it was very interesting for what he had written off as a mere childrens' book.

'Alice's own size is in constant flux, and each change in size brings about a new set of challenges and encounters with bizarre characters, highlighting the fluidity and instability of her own sense of self, and this is obviously very distressing for her-' A hand went up down the front and there were one or two sighs from the crowd. 'Yes?'

The bald man in the front row who had to have been older than Jack's parents stood up from his seat, 'hi, how are you? This was a fascinating read by the way, I really enjoyed the book, and I'm really enjoying this lecture. Sorry to interrupt, just a quick question if I may? Well I guess more a point of information.'

A few more sighs rang out. 'Jaysus, get to the fuckin' point,' muttered a girl under her breath somewhere to the left of Jack.

'Something I noted on my second reading of the book; Alice's interactions with the various characters of Wonderland. They're often depicted as being part of specific social orders or hierarchies...you know, the Queen of Hearts and her court, the playing cards, the White Rabbit and his picnic critters. She's often depicted as an outsider, unable to truly conform because she isn't the same as them and because she doesn't know who she is, she can't find her people if it were. Even if she's trying to mimic what she sees as societal norms. And-'

'Yes that's a very good point, thank you for that,' interrupted the lecturer impatiently and the mature student returned to his seat, 'Alice indeed struggles with her own identity a lot during her journey through Wonderland, and ultimately it highlights her own challenges with self-exploration, discovery, and acceptance. Her encounters with the eccentric and illogical characters in Wonderland serve as a metaphorical representation of the challenges and conflicts individuals face when trying to find their place in the world.'

Jack continued to scribble notes. He had never viewed Alice's story through this lens, but it made sense now. The nonsensical ridiculousness of Wonderland wasn't far off how he felt in Dublin. And The Mad Hatter and his critters weren't that far off from the people in his classes either.

'Eventually, it's her embracing her own uniqueness rather than conforming to the expectations of others and what she thinks she needs to be, is how she finds a place where she belongs. Now I'm not saying it will be, but there's a high probability this theme will come up in your end-of-semester exam.'

EMBRACING UNIQUENESS RATHER THAN CONFIRMING TO EXPECTATIONS OF OTHERS = ALICE FINDING HER PLACE IN THE WORLD.

Jack took out his highlighter and went over the final sentence on the page as the mature student got to his feet again and began debating whether or not the Cheshire Cat was a symbol for the Catholic Church. He felt guilty for eye rolling everytime one of the older students spoke. In theory, they had all chosen to be there, and so they should all have been showing the same level of interest. And Jack was interested, but something about the way they spoke annoyed him - and most of the room for that matter!

Jack was starting to zone out. He glanced over the shoulder of the boy sitting in front of and slightly below him in the lecture theatre. He was scrolling through a feed of naked torsos and the occasional mirror selfie on his phone. Was he watching porn? He clicked on one of the boxes every so often and read their bios, and then Jack realised that these photos were actually profiles. He was on what looked like some gay social media.

Jack watched for a few seconds as the boy sent messages out to dozens of accounts. It was almost robotic. Every so often, a selfie or a nude would flash on the screen. Jack watched silently, hypnotised. After a few minutes however, the guy copped Jack's nosy gaze, and lowered the brightness on his phone, pulling it closer to his chest and out of view.

'Yes, I suppose that's one way of looking at it,' said the lecturer with feigned kindness, although it was evident she was getting impatient, 'definitely some food for thought before your tutorials. Anyway, it's ten to, so I'll see you all next week.'

Jack tossed his bag over his shoulder and scrambled out of the lecture hall before the stampede from below climbed the stairs. The corridors of Newman were thronged with people. They always were between lectures. Everyone rushed about to get to their next class. It was chaotic energy, but they'd be dead quiet again in five or ten minutes.

'Jack!' A female voice called out from behind him, and he heard the clinking of crutches approaching.

'Millie, how are we?'

'Not too bad, was just at the pool. Gonna go grab a coffee now if you want to join?'

'Sure, I'm free for the hour before my next tutorial.'

He hated how his college days were structured. He didn't have that many hours, but they were all so separated that he was often waiting around all day for a class. Normally he'd go to the gym or pool if he had a big break in between, but an hour wasn't enough for anything more productive than a coffee. He didn't really have anyone to text to meet for a coffee though, so he'd often just sit and people-watch on a couch somewhere by himself.

'Whatcha got next?' she said as they made their way through the halls to the Arts café, 'God this place is such a dump. It smells so weird.' Jack chuckled. One thing he liked about Millie was that she really didn't have a filter, which he was sure got her in trouble more than she let on.

''Ulysses in Context'...which is absolutely as shite as it sounds.'

'I dunno how you study English. I thought Vet was hard. I wouldn't be able for all that now-'

'Oh my God, you don't have a leg!' exclaimed a random lad, his eyes glued to Millie as she hobbled past him. Without hesitating, Millie stopped in her tracks, glanced down at her stump, and began to scream at the top of her lungs. Both Jack, the guy who had spoken to her, and everyone in a twenty metre radius physically jumped in shock at her wail. It echoed through the corridors of Newman like a Banshee's cry, and it continued for an uncomfortably long time. Jack couldn't help but laugh.

'Oh my God! You're right! I don't have a leg. Someone call an ambulance!' The boy stood in front of her as pale as a ghost, too stunned to speak. The realisation of what he had just blurted out finally hitting him. 'Anything else?' she questioned impatiently.

'Sorry, I didn't mean it like that...I just-' he stuttered, panicking as everyone around them awkwardly went back to their day.

'You just what?'

'I...I dunno. Sorry.' he stuttered but continued to stare.

'I was mauled by a gorilla. Barely made it out alive,' she said almost robotically, and continued walking as he watched them leave, 'but my lawyer got me a nice payout!'

'A gorilla?' Jack repeated in confusion.

'A gorilla,' she confirmed.

'Wait, I thought it was a shark attack in Australia', Jack said, struggling to keep up.

'It's my leg Jack. I think I remember how I lost it.'