OUT

Chapter 26

Wednesday, December 17th 2014

Jack lay in bed with his laptop open on the RTÉ player - which had finally started working after crashing for the last ten minutes every time he opened the feckin' yoke. Ciarán had mentioned that Sissy was going to be on The Late Late Show talking about the marriage referendum, and he had just missed her intro.

'And I suppose that's where my name comes from. The Christian Brothers tried to beat the sissy out of me in school, so I thought I'd embrace it. Times are obviously different now, but nothing has really changed. Kids may not be physically beaten by society as often as they used to be, but mentally they are. Psychologically they're beaten down and silenced until they feel worthless. And that's why LGBTQ+ suicide rates are exponentially higher than the rest of the population. And I myself am lucky to have come out the other end of that.'

Jack stared at the screen, mesmerised. She spoke with such composure. He turned the volume up slightly.

'I often hear that being gay is a choice. Now, I am a man in a dress; a pig in a wig...and that is a choice. Sexuality is not. I was once a young boy. A boy who had food thrown at him in the school canteen by strangers. A boy that was labelled with dirty words he was too young to understand. He was beaten up. He was shoved into lockers, or bins, or toilets. He was bullied senselessly. Picked on. Chased home. Had rocks thrown at him. That little boy was tormented relentlessly for who he was. For his flamboyance. For being a sissy. And that little boy is still within me, and still winces when I hear people attacking who I am and who I love. Why would a child ever choose that torment?'

Jack felt his eyes welling up.

'That idea of your inner child,' responded the presenter who was nodding intently as Sissy spoke, 'tell me more about that. What was it like for young Sissy being in the closet?'

'When I came out, my mother lost a part of the person she thought I was. But that person was never really real. It was an act that I put on at home, in school, in every aspect of my life. When I tried coming out at school, a teacher told me to hide my sexuality, because it would be easier for me. And I know her heart was in the best place, but that's not the point. I remember being riddled with anxiety that the little act I was putting on would be found out. That someone would realise what I was suppressing and see right through me. And that anxiety, that stress and worry...it ate me alive.' Jack watched Sissy in awe, and the camera panned across the studio audience, a few people were nodding their heads in agreement. Others looks angry at her. 'The Catholic Church is preaching hate towards the gay community as next year's referendum draws closer. The same Church that molests children, and oppresses women's bodily autonomy, and casts their bastard children into mass graves while preaching 'love thy neighbour'...unless he's a faggot of course. Why would that young boy choose to be cast out by the very institution that runs his country, whether you'll admit it or not?'

The presenter looked slightly taken aback by her use of language, but said nothing.

'Imagine logging onto Facebook and seeing someone in a different country being stoned to death, or hung, or thrown off of a building because of their sexuality. But I guess it's their own fault for choosing to be gay. When I find myself out in public, I find myself second guessing myself. When I get dressed as a man, I double-check it's nothing that might draw unnecessary attention. I live a five minute walk to my place of work, and I have to get a taxi door to door through fear of being attacked. But I suppose, I knew what was involved when I chose to be gay. All of the issues I had as a young boy have come with me into adulthood. They're the reason I was always afraid to hold the hand of my partner in public. They are the reason I check myself in public that I'm not speaking too gay, or dressing too gay. They're the reason I naturally butch up a little in public for my own safety. Do you want to be the reason your child suppresses who they are to the point that they have a mental breakdown? Or takes their own life? Because that's the reality of teaching young children that who they are is wrong. And it's simply not the case.'

The camera zoomed in closer to Sissy's face, which almost looked photoshopped. Her skin was so perfect, 'and what would be your final message to those watching at home about the upcoming referendum?'

'I've heard so much tripe surrounding it already and the wording hasn't even been released. But this country is fucked if it thinks that I don't deserve equality because of who I am. This country is fucked if it thinks I will stand for anything less than what my straight neighbours have. This country is fucked if it thinks it can beat me down any more than it already has. I am going to give everything in me to make sure that when this referendum comes along, it passes. I won't be beaten down by this country anymore. I won't let the next generation be beaten down. Being gay is not a choice, but I'd still choose it anyway.'