OUT

Chapter 27

Sunday, December 20th 2014

'Hey.'

'Jesus Christ,' Jack said, not expecting to see anyone as he shut the door behind him carrying a half-eaten spice-bag and a bottle of water. 'What are you still doing up?' Ciarán was sitting with a tub of ice-cream on the couch.

'I'm not long in myself. Want some ice-cream?'

Jack shook his head but sat on the armchair opposite Ciarán, 'you look like you're going through a divorce.'

'Charlies?' he asked, glancing at Jack's food and he nodded. 'Aha! We got you hooked on the spicebag, so?'

'Yup.'

'Where were ya, tonight?'

'Coppers.'

'Oh jaysus, that's homophobic!'

'Everything straight can't be homophobic,' Jack said with an eye roll, although let out a little laugh at the ridiculousness of what Ciarán had said.

'Everything straight is inherently homophobic, Jack. It's a straight mans' world,' he continued, and Jack rolled his eyes again, more exaggerated this time.

'You still have a bit of eye makeup on,' Jack said, noticing a black smudge on the edge of his eye where it met his temple. Ciarán scrubbed at his eye, but missed. 'A bit over.' He continued rubbing his face. 'No, the other side.'

'Is it gone?' he asked and Jack tutted.

'Here, let me do it.' He poured a dribble of the water onto his fingers and brushed the side of Ciarán's face. As he did, his eyes made their way up Jack until they made eye contact. Jack's hand lingered for a second, but he pulled away suddenly. They sat in silence for a moment. The noise of the street outside was a bit chaotic. It always was on the weekend. There were drunkards shouting at each other competing for taxis. Every so often there'd be a beep of a car horn. And if you were lucky, there'd be the smash of a pint glass that would echo through the night. There was an awkwardness in the air for a number of reasons, but Jack realised he hadn't spoken a word to either of his housemates since the night they had fought with him.

'So how was your gig?' he asked after a moment.

'Yeah good. My feet are in bits though!' Ciarán replied, 'those heels tear the feet off me.'

'Yeah I don't know how ya do it.'

'It's worth it though. Drag changed my life. It made me realise who I really am.'

'But would dressing up as someone else not make that harder?'

'Suzie is who I am. Ciarán, or at least the Ciarán that used to be before I discovered drag wasn't me. It was a character I constructed to survive in this straight mans' world. Suzie helped me celebrate everything I was taught not to like about myself. But because those things were celebrated when I dressed up as Suzie, the flamboyance, the drama, the theatrics...I was able to translate that over to my normal life and learn how to be happy in myself. Sissy helped me realise that too, but the best thing I ever did was acknowledge who I truly was. I've never met a gay person who regretted coming out.'

'Jaysus, pretty deep stuff for-' Jack began and glanced at his phone, 'four in the morning!'

'Suzie helped me forget that character I constructed, and swear down, I owe her my life.' Jack smiled at Ciarán. Parts of Jack wished he was as unapologetic as his housemate sometimes. But it was easier for him. His family were so accepting. He had it easier. 'Would you ever do drag?'

'Absolutely not.'

'Why?'

'It's just not my thing.'

'How do you know if you've never tried it.'

'Would you try Gaelic football?' Jack said.

'Yeah, I'd love to.'

Jack glared at him, 'you're just saying that to wind me up.'

'Maybe it'll help reveal who you are,' Ciarán said tentatively but with an inherent cheekiness in his voice, scraping the last of his ice-cream from the tub.

'What's that supposed to mean?'

'Are you gay, Jack?' For a moment, it seemed like the world came to a standstill. The words echoed through the room and rattled around his head for a second before they fully sunk in. That question. It hit him like a tonne of bricks to the chest all at once.

'What?'

'Or bisexual...Or confused. Or curious...' he continued, and Jack sprang to his feet from the couch.

'What? No.'

'Why did you kiss me that night?'

'Stop it.'

'I haven't been able to stop thinking about it, Jack-'

'STOP IT!'

Ciarán's eyes enlarged and he leaned back into the couch slightly, sinking back into the ancient brown leather. 'Sorry Jack, I don't mean to pry. It's just with your family, I get why you might not want to come out-'

'You don't know me or my family. What does that even- why would you-' Jack could feel tears gathering in his eyes, the words fell frantically from his mouth as he got increasingly flustered, and he eventually turned, and thundered towards his bedroom.

'Jack, I'm sorry, I didn't mean that...I'm drunk.' Ciarán called after him and got to his feet, but Jack entered his bedroom and shut the door firmly behind him. Once Ciarán and the outside world was tuned out, he pressed his back to the door, slid down it, and sat in a heap on the floor. And he cried. 'Jack?' asked Ciarán sheepishly from the other side of the door after a few minutes of silence, gently rapping on the door. That was the first time he had ever been asked that question, and it had been like a suckerpunch to the gut.

Why had it hit him that hard?

He felt his breath getting erratic, and he tried to steady it silently, careful not to draw breath too loudly as he was sure Ciarán was listening from the other side of the paper-thin door. 'Fuck,' he muttered under his breath.

'Jack?' Ciarán called again, however Jack held his breath and didn't move. Eventually, he heard Ciarán slink away from the doorway. He heard him turn off the sitting room lights and retreat to his own bedroom. Jack let out a deep sigh, and continued to cry, his entire body paralysed with anxiety.