OUT

Chapter 60

Sunday, May 24th 2015

Jack lay in bed, staring at the ceiling. Paul had gone to make breakfast for them. He could hear him chatting with Millie in the kitchen as she helped him cook. The sun beamed in the window and kissed his cheek, still covered in glitter and the faint remnants of a rainbow some stranger had drawn on him yesterday with face paint. Jack could hear Mark, who had crashed on their couch for the night, chatting away to Ciarán about drag in the other room.

He smiled, and let out a sigh of relief. For the first time in his life, he genuinely felt totally relaxed. He wasn't stressed about what his mother thought of him. Or his friends. Or anyone for that matter. He didn't care what anyone said about him. Everything was out in the open now. And he felt good about what was to come. He felt light.

He rolled over in his bed and reached across to the retro record player and switched it on. Elton John's 'I'm Still Standing' began to play.

You could never know what it's like,

Your blood, like winter, freezes just like ice.

The record hadn't left the machine yet, and probably never would despite the fact that he had taken dozens of other vinyls from his brother's collection to Dublin with him. He had listened to this one though at least a hundred times since he brought it home. It was his new prized position, courtesy of Mick, and was his new connection to his deceased brother.

And did you think this fool could never win?

Well look at me, I'm a-comin' back again,

I got a taste of love in a simple way...

'You are not listening to that feckin' song again, are ya?' exclaimed Ciarán, bursting into Jack's room, 'give it a rest, would ya?'

He turned the music up to full volume so it blasted through the house, and made his way into the kitchen in just his boxers and a vest. Without needing to be told, the group bopped about the room, singing along to Elton John as they danced about waiting for their breakfast to cook; the smell of sausages and the sound of laughter filled the kitchen.

Jack felt a pang of something in the pit of his stomach, a feeling he couldn't quite place. It was almost like having butterflies, but they were on fire and making their way across his entire body, now tingling. It wouldn't be until years later that he realised that this feeling he felt was belonging; true belonging. It surged to the tips of his fingers and toes like electricity, and he fought the urge to break down and cry, although a stray tear did trickle down his cheek. It felt weird wanting to cry without feeling sad, but that's how he felt.

He glanced around the room, at his childhood best friend, at his new friends. At his boyfriend! He felt goosebumps racing across his body as he took the moment in, overwhelmed with gratitude that this was the direction life had taken him. Moving into the apartment with Millie and Ciarán by chance. Meeting Sissy. Realising who he was. Falling for a boy, and truly accepting himself. All these little moments that he had taken for granted at the time that had completely changed the course of his life.

But that was it, wasn't it? All those little things and all those little moments that tended to change your life really weren't so little after all.