OUT

Chapter 41

Friday, March 27th 2015

'How are you fixed?' asked one of the other queens as she did her makeup in the mirror next to him.

'Getting more and more nervous to be honest,' he replied and necked back another vodka, Redbull.

He couldn't believe Paul had cancelled the day of. His grandmother had died, in fairness to him, but he had only agreed to do this with him. Not only would he not be doing it, he wouldn't even be in the audience watching! He had been very tempted to cancel himself, but Ciarán and Millie had basically pinned him down to get him ready.

'Want one of these?' she asked, leaning across and opening her purse to reveal a miniature zip-lock bag half the size of a bank card with a few white pills in it.

'What are those?'

She winked at him, 'you're adorable.'

'Drugs?'

She sniggered. 'I'd bet my life that half these girls are on something tonight.'

Jack shook his head, 'I don't know. I've never done anything before.'

'I'm not gonna force it down your throat-' she began.

'Don't threaten me with a good time!' interrupted another queen as she walked by.

'But it'll give you a little kick. Some energy, and courage,' she continued, popping one into her mouth and taking a gulp from Jack's drink to wash it down. She handed him one of the pills from the bag and he stared at it in his palm.

'Fuck it,' he muttered, shoving it into his mouth and swallowing it dry, if there was anything he needed, it was courage.

'How are you feeling?' asked Ciarán, appearing through the door a few moments later and sitting down beside him.

'I actually feel sick.'

'Don't worry, even I get nervous sometimes. But once you step out on that stage, you'll be grand. Just do what we practised.'

'I really don't know Ciarán...'

'Stop it. You put loads of work into this. You're going to be fine. Plus, it's only like three minutes. It'll be over before you know it. I believe in you.'

Jack silently cursed Paul's granny for dying and then felt guilty for it. He stood with Ciarán behind the curtain just beyond the stage and waited for it to open. He could feel his heart in his ear, but he could also feel whatever he had taken start to spread through his limbs. It was almost like a little electric current. He felt lighter. Excited. Nervous, but excited.

'This is crazy,' said Jack.

'I know! But I'm so proud of you,' replied Ciarán, 'you look incredible.'

Jack took in his reflection in the mirror beside him. He couldn't get over how different he looked. It was like he had been put into someone else's body, because what he saw in the reflection wasn't him. It was the weirdest sensation he'd ever felt. Like his eyes had been transplanted into someone else.

He wore a ginger wig that towered up to the sky - 'the higher the wig, the closer to God', one of the other queens had said. It was far heavier than he thought it would be. He was bet into a tight green dress that gave serious slut energy, although it covered him up in just the right parts. Or the wrong parts, depending on how you viewed it. It just about covered his upper thigh. If it was a few inches shorter, his ass would've been hanging out.

He had hip pads on and Ciarán had stuffed a bra with Jack's football socks, giving him an apparently perfect hourglass figure. He honestly looked like a woman, apart from the face, of course! The padding completely changed the shape of his body and the makeup completely restructured his face. It was crazy. He was honestly unrecognisable.

'Jesus Christ, I'm fucking sweating,' he exclaimed.

'Your pussy's pure drippin' girl,' said Ciarán, flicking his handheld fan that read 'FAG' with a pop and he fanned Jack's crotch.

'Don't ever say that to me again,' Jack said as he snatched the fan and fanned himself in the face as Ciarán smirked.

'I can't believe you're doing this. The doors I've opened...' said Ciarán, only half-jokingly.

'Oh fuck off, would ya!?'

'Honestly, think how far you've come since that first night. Back when you were straight,' Ciarán said, making air quotes with his fingers for the word straight, 'well you're a sissy now!' Jack rolled his eyes, but again couldn't hide a smirk. Ciarán was right, he had come on leaps and bounds over the last few months. 'Honestly, I'm into it.'

At that moment, the queen who had just been performing burst through the curtains and made her way backstage, 'best of luck!'

'OK, you've got this,' exclaimed Ciarán, placing his hands on Jack's shoulders like a boxing coach, 'and we'll be cheering you on. If you get nervous, just look at me or Millie. We're right in the front row!'

'OK,' he said with a deep breath, his heartrate accelerating as Sissy's voice boomed from the speakers.

'And with that, it's time for our next competitor!'

'Oh shit, I can't do this.'

'You can do it, Jack. Plus, it's too late to back out!'

'Fuck. Fuck. Fuuuuck.'

'You got this,' said Ciarán, gently ushering Jack forwards and through the curtain as Sissy introduced him.

Well it's certainly too late to turn back now.

'All the way from the backarse of Galway, give it up for Fuinneog the Queen!' roared Sissy's voice as 'I'm Still Standing' began to play and the audience went mental.

Jack made his way down the stairs, dancing mainly with his arms and shoulders as he moved towards the stage. The crowd roared in adoration for him as he mouthed the words to the song. He was surprised he could do that, and dance, while traversing the stairs as carefully as possible so as not to break his ankle.

His heels weren't even that high. Plus, Ciarán had said it was a block heel, which was supposed to be better for both balance and comfort. But his feet were already killing him. He couldn't believe they even made shoes like this in a men's size 12.

'And did you think this fool could never win?

Well look at me, I'm a-comin' back again.

I got a taste of love in a simple way...'

He climbed the three steps and made his way onto the stage, scanning the spectators for Millie as he lip-synced. He found her in the front row, as Ciarán shoved his way through the crowd and took his seat beside her. Both beamed up at him proudly as he awkwardly moved about the stage.

'Relax,' mouthed Ciarán, giving him a double thumbs up.

'Don't you know that I'm still standin' better than I ever did?

Lookin' like a true survivor, feelin' like a little kid!'

As the song blared, he thought of his brother. This was their song. Jack wondered what his brother would think of him if he could see him now. He hoped he would be proud of his little brother. Because for the first time in a long time, Jack felt proud of himself.

He stood on the centre of the stage, dancing about like a mad man with a grin spread ear to ear across his face as the second chorus blared. The crowd cheered, and applauded, and sang along with him. There were cameras flashing. All eyes and phones were on him. He was in complete command of the entire room. And he felt confident. Untouchable. Unstoppable. And then his vision blurred and the ground whooshed up and smashed into his face.