Long time No see

Her pov

I entered my room and all the memories of the day hit me. How can I be so vulnerable in front of me? I never cried in front of anyone. Everyone knows when I am angry, when I am sad but nobody ever really sees me cry. Even with Shiv when I told him everything about my bullies and my eating disorder, I didn't even shed a tear. But today I don't know if all hell breaks lose & I just burst into tears. I told him what he did to me and I never in my worst nightmare imagined that I would say these things to him on his face. I am always been like this, I never really express how am I feeling, if the other person understands without me saying then it's ok but I never verbally express my feelings. I become so expert in masking my emotions but I don't what happened today and I just lost it. The frustration, the feeling I've been feeling for a long time burst into tears and everything came out. I hate making people feel guilty but what can I do, he should know because of him, what have I gone through.

Being a middle child, I've always been good at hiding feelings, I've always acted all nonchalant and unbothered and always cared less about others. I know everyone in my family treated me like I'm fragile but it's after that day when I came to my father and begged him to send me abroad for studies, the desperation in my eyes was so clear that my parents questioned. My mother asked me what happened I tried to hide but one look from my mother and I spill the tea like this. First, she was crying and blaming herself but I calmed her down & told her it was not their fault. Then my mother helped me & convinced my father. After all this, they became more attentive towards me. But after some time, they understood that I didn't need this, so they left me the way I was. I always hated attention, whenever I came to India on holidays, both of my parent's attention was all on me, it was good at the start but sometimes it made me uncomfortable. It felt like I was under some CCTV. The constant affection was bugging me. I know I might sound crazy but I hate when someone's whole attention is on me. I don't know why. But after Ahaan constant attention, all the things that happened years ago started coming back and questions like why he was so attentive towards me started bothering me.

At first, the day was going well, I enjoyed shopping, and I admit I felt good when Ahaan took a stand for me those little physical touches are also something I started liking, as all these years, no one ever touched me like these before, this is all new to me. I never know how a man's touch feels but after Ahaan's little ministration, I got to know how it feels & I hate to admit that I liked it. I don't know if someone other than Ahaan would touch me like this probably I would feel the same or I wouldn't like it, I don't know. But the thought of someone else touching me like this other than Ahaan is also not settling.

Being an overthinker, I overthink every word, I've said to him, I hated that I cried in front of him showing my vulnerable side but I don't regret what I said to him. First Ahaan didn't say anything, he gave me time to calm down which I was thankful for because I didn't know what would have happened if he hadn't let me calm myself down. Because of all the crying, I almost fainted but at the same time, Ahaan held me. The way he was holding me, I felt like I was some delicate little thing. No one ever held me the way he was holding me. I saw his eyes, and the fear in his dark orbs was evident. He was scared of losing me. I never thought that out of all people, I would see fear in his eyes, the fear of losing me. But I was still mad, I didn't wanna talk to I wanted to stay away from him, but the comfort he was providing made me greedy and my unconscious self also did not help. The warmth in his embrace was so inviting and so good that I felt like, I just stay like this for my whole life. But then I reminded myself that the comfort I'm seeking from the person is Ahaan. Out of all people, he would be the last one, I should take comfort in. After I drank some water, I sobered up. But I didn't wanna talk, I stayed quiet but I felt his large hands taking my small hands. He held my hands brushing my knuckles softly with his thumbs and said some words which made me cry again. I even saw tears welling up in his eyes but he was quick not to show me. Hearing those words made me forget him, his deep voice which can make anyone scared was now all soft, he was talking to me like I was some little child. The softness in his voice, the fear in his eyes and the warmth of his palms are again making me weak. He took my face in his hands and saw me all teary, he wiped my tears and kissed my forehead, his soft lips on my forehead melted me down. His lips stayed there for a moment and he whispered sorry.