Well, of all the things that I thought might happen when I decided to take Travis home tonight this was not one of them. I had thought, hoped even that there might be some kissing, some touching, some nakedness and some sex but... Stop?
He wanted me to stop before my lips had even touched his?
Something was wrong with him and I was about to find out what it was
"Travis, what's going on?"
I can tell he's focusing on his breathing, trying to regain control of himself so that's good, at least that means I wasn't completely imagining what was going on between us and I can't help but feel relieved.
His eyes flick up to meet mine for a split second before dropping back to the ground but I see something in them, something strange, something shameful
" I am so sorry if I got the wrong end of the stick or if I have come on too strong, it's been a pretty full on night, I guess I just got carried away"
He shakes his slowly before assuring me I have done nothing wrong
"It's not you"
"Oh God Travis, please tell me this isn't one of 'those' conversations"
He looks at me in confusion, his dark brows dipping to meet the top of his nose.
"It's not you Taylor it's me Yada, Yada, you look at me with pity, I look at you with embarrassment. I really don't think I can take a conversation like that tonight. Look, you don't have to make excuses with me okay? If you aren't in to it or aren't in to me then just say it because I promise you I'm a big girl now, I can take rejection, even from you"
I swear in that moment he almost growls as he runs both hands through his hair, I can tell he's struggling with something, I just don't know what.
"Okay, come here" I take his hand in mine and he closes his palm around it and squeezes as though he may never get the chance again and I have to admit that terrifies me.
What is he so afraid of sharing with me, surely he knows how I feel about him, surely he knows nothing he says will ever change that.
I lead him to my living room where we both sit on my lilac sofa, I squeeze his hands two times trying to tell him he's safe here, he's safe to unburdon himself but he just releases my hand and returns to staring at the ground
"Travis... ever since the reunion it seems like we have been playing games with each other, I don't want to play any more games. I just want you and me and whatever our truth is"
He shakes his head again before resting both hands on the bottom of his neck and as his eyes catch hold of mine I wonder if he's about to cry
"Whatever it is Trav, it can't be that bad. Just talk to me, I can help you, I promise"
"Don't make promises you can't keep Taylor"
"Tell me"
"You are going to hate me"
He closes his eyes and returns to his internal battle.
I'm trying to be patient with him but patience is not a strength of mine and I can feel myself beginning to give in to panic.
"Is it something to do with me? Have I done or said something wrong" his strained voice tells me no, I have done everything he wanted me to do and then he whispers to me that it's him that has done everything wrong.
My heart does the tango in my chest as I ask him what he's done that is so terrible
"I lied to you"
My heart stops dead
"About?"
The dance restarts as I anticipate his reply.
What could he have lied to me about that is so serious it has him turning down sex in favour of sitting on my couch on the verge of tears.
And just as everything begins to fall into place in my brain he whispers her name
"Hailey"
And an Inferno rips through me the likes of which I have never known.
I leap up from my seat yet I don't know where I'm going.
I start to walk away and I'm aware of him standing up behind me
"Tay..."
He reaches out for my shoulder but without thinking I slap his hand away from me. His look of shock is so animated I can't stop the hysterical laugh that escapes me.
"Hanging out is what you said"
"I know"
He gulps down what I assume are tears but I have no time to consider them as flames and black smoke consume my brain
"You bastard!"
"Taylor please, you can't imagine how bad I feel"
"How bad you feel? Oh I'm sorry Travis, I forgot you were the one we should feel sorry for, not the long term friend you deceived and not the... What is she exactly? Are you dating her?"
He nods and I feel light headed at the though of them together
"Is she your girlfriend"
He stalls for a moment and then slowly nods again
"So...this is who you are now" I scoff "A lying, cheating, disgusting... I can't even look at you"
"I didn't mean for this to happen Taylor I swear to God I just... I would never ever want to hurt you, of all the fucking people not you, never you"
He reaches for me again and again I slap him away his eyes look as red as my face feels but I'm not going to cry for him.
He reaches up and sweeps his hair from his forehead and I can't believe how beautiful he is, tall, dark, sweet, funny...a liar, a flirt, a deceiver, I dont think I have ever hated anyone or loved anyone more than I do him at this moment
"Taylor please don't ask me to go"
"Oh I'm not going to ask you to go" his entire body relaxes and I see him release the biggest breath I have ever seen anyone hold
"Taylor..."
"I'm not asking you to go because I am telling you to get the fuck out and don't you ever come any where near me ever again. You disgust me, you disgust me so much I actually think you and Hailey were made for each other"
With that I almost run past him heave my door open, return to where he stands then push him out through my front door and then slam it shut behind him.
Once I turn the key in the lock and assured that he can no longer get anywhere near me I drop to my knees and allow myself to feel the devastation Travis Kelce has just inflicted on me
