Surveying the contents of my counter top I work my way through my mental list of items required to assist me through my current emotional crisis.
Ice cream - check
Wine (2 bottles) - check
Chocolate- check
All seasons of Friends-check
Comfy clothes(fleecy lilo and stitch jamas)- check
The sound of my cell phone beeping pulls me from my list checking and without even looking at the notification I walk over to my small, silver, waste bin and drop my black device in to it.
I do not want to hear from anyone tonight and once the alcohol kicks in I definitely do not want to contact anyone.
Picking up the ice cream, wine and dvds I head to the living room and inwardly cringe as I think back to the complete throw down Travis and I had in here two days ago.
I had hoped the evening would be a magical new beginning for us when actually what happened turned out to be the end of us
"Fuck you, you rediculously good looking. Great smelling, lying LIAR !!!" I say it out loud, almost screaming the last word as my frustration and heart ache bubble to the surface once more.
Slamming a DVD into the machine I reach for a wine glass. Fuck 'drink responsibly' tonight I'm going to drink as irresponsibly as possible and if the alcohol doesn't drown out the sound of my heart continuously breaking then hopefully the ice cream will at least numb the pain.
I drop myself down on to the couch, pour and then drain my first glass of wine and then press play.
As the jaunty Friends theme music begins to play I can't help the cold bitterness that starts in my stomach and begins to crawl up my throat.
I pour another glass of wine and then gulp down the contents hoping the burn of the alcohol will stop the progression of the bitterness.
2 days since I kicked Travis out of my house and out of my life.
The hurt that engulfs my heart makes tears sting at my eyes as I imagine Travis and Hailey going on dates, holding hands, whispering sweet 'I love yous' whilst loving each other in the hot, sweaty, physical way I had wanted Travis to love me in, all whilst I sit here suffocating on my own misery.
I throw my head back in dispair, hoping that if I hit it hard enough against the sofa it will dislodge all the images of Travis and Hailey that are currently swarming in my mind.
Draining the remaining liquid from my second glass of wine I focus on the friendly faces on the screen and hope that they can bring some comic relief to my less than amusing reality.
Episodes 1 and 2 pass by in a blur as do glasses of wine 3 and 4 and any thoughts I had of eating my sweet treats have long been forgotten, the bottle is my only refuge tonight.
Standing to retrieve the second bottle of wine I'm surprised that I feel so light headed, saying that I can't remember when I last ate... Was it that salad I pushed around during the meal with...
I lean against the counter and steady myself as his name mixes with the alcohol and causes me to falter.
Wrapping my fingers around the neck of the bottle I almost drop it in shock as my doorbell buzzes. I slap a hand to my chest and I can feel my frightened heart pummeling my rib cage.
It takes a second or two for me to regain my senses and yell 'fuck off' to my uninvited guest.
I assume my less than warm welcome has scared them off as my apartment returns to its calm and quiet state so I lift my liquid treasure from the counter and head back to my sofa.
Just as I drop down on to my safe place I hear a loud knocking against the wood that provides a barrier between me and the outside world and my annoyance begins to grow
"I said fuck off!!" I pretty much scream the words to make sure there's no way they could have missed them this time. 10, 20,30 seconds pass by and then a small sheet of paper slides through my letter box.
Standing up, I'm intrigued enough to stumble towards it.
'sorry' is written in black ink and my cold heart begins to melt as I reach up and unlock the door
"Travis?! " I'm surprised to hear how hopeful my voice sounds and then my heart drops down through my chest and exits my bowels
"Marcus"
Fuck.
I fix my eyes on him and observe his unruly state. His usually perfect hair is tousled as though he has been running his fingers through it in distress. His usually sparkly blue eyes look matt and depressed.
Gone is the designer suit and in its place is a pair of navy addidas truck pants, white polo shirt and immaculate white gucci sneakers.
He looks broken and small- he looks exactly as I feel and I can't help but feel drawn to that.
"Taylor I'm so sorry... For every thing"
"Shut the door" my command is low and I make sure never to break eye contact
"Am I staying or am I..."
"You can stay" I take a step closer as the door clicks shut behind him.
I know that this is wrong, I know that I will regret it in the morning but right now the morning seems a long way away and I'm finding it difficult to see any further than tonight.
Marcus moves uncomfortably as I close the remaining distance between us, long gone is the cocky shit head that took pleasure in making me as unhappy as possible, here standing before me is the man that I had dated, the one I had felt attracted to and whose company I had enjoyed until green eyes and brown hair try to edge their way in to my thoughts but I manage to shit them out.
"Two things, 1. You are gone long before I wake up and 2. We never mention this again"
He considers it briefly and then nods his head.
"Well what are you waiting for? Strip"
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