Lestappen : As Long As We're Together

Ice Cream

CHARLES

I had woken up with a rapidly cooling empty bed. I never slept much since Covid. It had been a scary time and almost losing Arthur has brought back bad memories I thought were buried. Now they haunted my dreams.

I still remember Jules smiling as we ate ice cream together the year he passed away. I had told him how stressed I was about him and he'd assured me nothing would happen. When I sat at his grave alone for the first time, I cried because all I could think was 'I told you so'.

The memories haunted my waking as much as they did my dreams, but the difference was, when I was awake I could lock them away in a tiny little box.

I got out of bed, the sound of Max flipping pancakes greeting me as I walked into the kitchen. He looked me up and down and I realised I was wearing nothing but my boxers, but then he looked away and I realised that it wasn't that big of a deal. He handed me coffee, black and unsweetened, just like I liked it.

When Max left I made my way to the one person who knows who I am is, "Hey Jules." I said, sitting with my back to the headstone, "It's me." I put down the flowers, "Ferrari's been giving me loads of shit recently, but I think I'll stick with it." I sighed, "Carlos is leaving next year and being replaced by Hamilton. I'm upset about it, but it's not like my feelings about it matter to them."

I imagined his face, smiling as he ordered me a double scoop of oreo ice cream. It used to be our thing. Go for ice cream with Jules. Until it was time go for ice cream and think of Jules. "Remember what I told you over that horrid bubblegum ice cream? Remember who I told you about?" I swallowed the knot in my throat, "Well, we went for ice cream and I ordered a bad flavour. He traded with me and I could tell he hated it. But he switched with me. And I know it isn't a big deal, but I thought he hated me and only you know and I needed to tell someone."

"God, I miss you so much, Jules." The knot in my throat tightened as I felt the stone against my back, "Isn't it pathetic? I wasn't able to get over a crush from over a decade ago. And I know what you'd say, or at least I think I do, and I don't know. Pierre keeps saying I'm in love with him and Pierre doesn't even know the whole truth. No one alive does."

I looked at the flowers I had laid down, "I want to tell him, believe me when I say that I just want to rip the bandaid off, but this could ruin our friendship and I don't want to lose him. I- I don't want him to hate me."

"Why can't you be here again?" I said, bargaining with no one in particular, "Why can't we have one more scoop of ice cream and talk about my oh-so-complicated life." The tears welling in my eyes slipped out as I begged no one in particular for Jules back.