My Dearest,

I promised myself that i'll make you mine.

Late night at June 19 2021 the conversation ended coldy. As if i wasn't being annoying and weird enough last night i dm him again the next morning.

*sends an Egg Sheeran meme photos*
"Egg Sheeran LMFAAOOO"
"YO- I- i thought you're a cold person..."
"Lol i don't think i am, i'm just an awkward person"
that simple response from him sparks my heart more, i felt more excited and excited that i started telling this to all of my friends. My friends kind off finds it odds and so random, but funny and cute too? Either way they support me even though i'm being so annoying right now.

"Oh yesterday when i texted you about the dream thing. The chat was so intimidating, but you know i feel like you're a nice person"
"Relax, i'm not a psychopath"
I think my 2021 self read too much Wattpad gangster, cold bad boy fiction that what makes me find interest in this guy is just because he says "Relax, i'm not a psychopath" For someone who likes bad boy cold guy trope, it sounds attractive to me, i don't know what's wrong with my 2021 self but yeah, i'm just gonna blame it all on quarantine for making me this way.

Later on i asked him does he remember me that i was the girl from 2019, and yes he says he does remember me. I was glad, kind off, cause that means i wasn't really fully a random stranger to him cause we texted before. But still it was embarrassing though...

We texted more and more on Instagram, but he was so cold, like seriously really cold, but it's weird, i should've lost interest but no, i fell harder, i even promised to myself that ill make him mine no matter what, not until he texted me.
*sends me a picture*
"Kae, what do you think? Should i say goodnight or just gn?"
It was a girl WhatsApp story. It's his upperclassmen that he likes for month.

"Uh ummm i think you should just say goodnightt, don't be so cold to herr, maybe she'll like you back you knoww, I'LL ROOT FOR YOU !!!"
"Ahh i'm so embarrassed though but alr, thank you Kae, i don't know about the last one but i wish HAHA."

Shit, i cried for days.
Cut my hair short and listening to Freaks by Surf Curse on repeat.
"And hopefully i won't wake up this time."
That lyrics keep spinning repeating on my head while i cut my hair shorter as a coping mechanism, ah yes for fuck sake i really do hope i just didn't wake up from that nice dream. Why do u have to like someone else's... why...?

I almost gave up seriously, i already made up my choice at that time that i should only be his friend and nothing more.

July 13 2021 12:00 AM
"Have u sleep yet?"
why, why'd u have to care for me if u like someone else's? you know my heart obviously can't ignore you.

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July 13 2021 12:02 AM
"Ohh no i haven't, i wanna sleep though rn, what's wrong?"
"Oh you wanna sleep? Ok... gn"
"Um yeah? It's already late and idk what to do"
"Ok then, go sleep"

It's such a weird feeling where you know someone is actually genuinely care for you and you can actually feel it even though their typing and actions is just so cold and emotionless. But you could feel the warmness and genuine care inside their messages even though it doesn't show.

That's what i feel from him, a genuine care of kindness but it just doesn't show, i know that he just couldn't really express his emotions very well and not so 'visible' unlike me who's a very visible person, but i know deep down he's a very nice caring person. I could feel it, and i trust my feeling. He gave me such a confusing feelings whether is his act of caring is just a care as a friend or more..? But i still stick with him until i got the answer.

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