LOSE MY BREATH

LMB 31

31: Solivagant

The cats in the meadow did not like him. 

They had gone there to pet them a few times and during every single one of those he had managed to chase them away and straight into Minho’s lap.

He figured the cats must’ve heard his joke about tossing them into the bath and hadn’t forgiven him since. Minho said it was because he was too loud and tactile and made too many erratic movements. Jisung thought both of their points were equally likely.

Now he was lying there, motionless, staring into the clear sky and waiting for the earth to swallow him. He would have grieved, but this place forbade that in excess, and Jisung could not do anything without being excessive about it.

The cats liked him now since he wasn’t talking or moving or grieving excessively. They jumped all over him.

“Don’t think I still won't bathe you all,” he told them, but they didn’t seem to take it to heart.

He made a valiant effort to not think about Minho, but currently, everything in his head seemed to revolve around the guy. Minho and this world, this place he was unable to stay, and all the good and bad things in it. All of the things Jisung could not have.

Only he wanted so much from the man that it burdened him.

He tried not to think about the fight, but his mind kept returning to it. Minho's grip on him, the brief loss of self-control, and the words spoken in anger.

Are you volunteering?

What would Minho have done to him if he had replied yes? If he had actually pushed further, would Minho actually toss away the final strands of control and put him in his place? Just slam him against the nearest wall and ravage him?

Hadn’t he said that Jisung only disliked facing consequences? He tried to make sense of the statement in this context, wondering if his heartbreak would have been any worse if Minho had gone ahead with it.

Jisung didn’t think he would have been fine with it, not even with his modern sensibilities. To have it quick and dirty and meaningless would have destroyed the last of his sanity that was already hanging by a thread.

Minho probably would have insisted on taking responsibility, then. Marrying him out of principle.

“I think I’m not very successful at life, little cats,” he told the cats, who were licking their paws without any care. “I think I was made to become a bad example.”

There was a shadow cast over him, then. Someone had come to interrupt his pity party. Jisung glanced to his side and immediately had to pull himself up quickly to properly greet the sect leader of the Lee sect.

Chan carried himself with his usual grace, a polite smile on his face that did not extend to his eyes. Jisung bowed deep, shame gnawing at him again.

“Chan hyung,” he said.

“Jisung. I apologise for the intrusion,” Chan said. His entire aura felt cold. The smile was still there, unwavering.

“No, it’s fine, I was just...” He glanced at the cats, now scattered away from them. “Is there something I could help with?”

“I certainly hope so,” Chan said. “Minho has issued himself a punishment.”

Jisung shrunk himself. He cleared his throat, unable to meet the judging eyes. “He has?”

“Indeed. The reason for it was unclear." Chan said. “He felt he had acted in an inappropriate manner concerning physicality.”

“H-he didn’t–” Jisung stammered, but Chan merely raised a hand at him.

“I know,” the man said. “There was a witness.”

Oh, god.

"I was told that Jisung had explicitly suggested that Minho take someone to bed. At such a frivolous remark from you, Jisung, I believe Minho would have found it very difficult indeed to hold back his temper.”

Like Jisung hadn’t felt awful about it already. He swallowed the shame but could not meet Chan’s eyes.

“It was out of line,” he admitted. “My conduct was shameful.”

“I cannot condone what Minho did, either,” Chan said. "An unwanted touch is always unacceptable, but what you said was impolite and cruel."

“I know,” Jisung rushed to say. “Trust me, I know. I just...”

The sect leader stared at him, waiting for elaboration. Jisung was unable to provide an explanation. He did not know how to make it appear reasonable that he would be feeling a little too much of too many things and did not know what to do.

So he stood there, sort of miserable, avoiding Chan's searching gaze, who had that strange ‘older sibling power’ that made him extremely perceptive.

Chan sighed. “Jisung, I do not think you’re a bad person.”

A promising start. Still, Jisung kept his eyes lowered.

“But Minho is my baby brother. It has not escaped my notice that your feelings for each other differ in ways that may affect your ability to live here comfortably. Still, I despise seeing my brother treated so harshly."

Jisung felt his stomach drop. So it was that obvious, huh? He carried a torch for Minho that had left him with burns bad enough to telegraph the entire world.

“That’s not it, though. I- I didn’t mean to t-take it out on Minho. H-He doesn’t deserve it. But I didn’t– hyung, I will miss him s-so much.”

This gave Chan a pause. As Jisung dared to look, the man frowned, his eyes wet once more. How did they become wet again? When had he turned into such a crybaby?

“I-I will miss him so much,” Jisung repeated. “And the thought of never… getting to come back here after leaving is just… it just hurts so bad to think about it.”

Chan observed him then for a while, quietly. The head held high and dignified, looking so much like Minho yet nothing at all like him.

“You could stay,” said Chan then. A little unsure, like testing him.

Jisung shook his head. “This place is amazing, but there are people back home who deserve to know I am not actually dead somewhere. My friends, I-- my brother. I don’t know if he even cares, but if there’s a chance that he does, it would be so cruel to just leave him there, in uncertainty. And so soon after losing...no, I couldn’t do that.”

Chan nodded, but his expression had lost most of its anger. Now he just looked kind of jaded, but there was an edge of compassion in the tilt of his head. An understanding.

“I hope you do not think you’re doing Minho a favour with this kind of behaviour,” Chan said. “Your leaving is going to impact him, no matter how angry you made him before.”

“No, of course not. It was never about that, I’m just-- I was lashing out, nothing more.”

“I see,” said Chan. “That is… better, then.” He turned around then to leave, but Jisung stepped forward before he could.

“Chan hyung before you go, could you tell me where to find him?”

A slight pause. “Doing handstands with the other disciples.”

“Thank you.”

“Jisung,” Chan said then. “I trust this is the last time you go this far in provoking my brother.”

"I promise not to do that again," he answered, wondering if Chan realised the limited value of his word.