Beach Babe | The Outsiders | Johnny Cade

| Loss | 61 |

The world stopped spinning. My vision seemed to black out for a second. The doctor kept going, listing what happened and what they tried to do to help him. I didn't hear a word of it- or didn't register it. The world was wrong. Everything was wrong. Colors seemed desaturated, nothing felt okay. My clothes were too tight and too loose, my skin was crawling, I was aware of every strand of hair on my head, and I was aware of the fact that my baby brother was dead.

       Theo shot out of there faster than I'd ever seen him, I don't know where he went or if he even knew. I crumpled and my knees hit the floor, hard. I didn't cry, I didn't scream, I didn't do anything but sit and stare at that hospital floor. The pain from my knees colliding with the floor was intense, but that pain.. God, it felt so much better than the overwhelming feeling of nothing that was settling over me. I saw the doctor's feet walk away and Soda's walk over to me and talk, but I couldn't hear it. Everything was nothing. Nothing, nothing, nothing.

It wasn't till he kneeled and grabbed my face and forced me to look at him that I snapped out of it. He had a deeply concerned look on his face and so did Darry. "Stacy..? Can you hear me?"

      I lunged forward and hugged him with his shirt between my fists. I still felt mostly nothing but something made me hug him. I wanted nothing more than to cry, to scream, to run away, something.. but I couldn't. Nothing was the only thing I could feel. Soda hugged me back and just let me hold onto him tightly.

    When I finally pulled away I saw a look of concern from both Darry and Soda, Pony was basically asleep on one of the hospital chairs. They both had a look of worry so strong on their faces that it was nearly drowning me.

Darry asked if I wanted to stay with them but I said no. I should've said yes. Soda helped me up. "I'll uh.. see you guys tomorrow I guess." I say, my voice sounds foreign, everything sounds off, and nothing is right, not a damn thing.

"Are you sure? Our couch is always open." Darry asks. I shake my head and stuff my hands in my pockets. "Do you need a ride home?" I nod.

Soda woke up Ponyboy and we all went down to Darry's truck. The ride home was silent. Completely silent. When we pulled up outside of my house Soda told me to take care of myself, I said I would. I'm not going to. I know I should... but also I should have two brothers. Actually, I should have three- and two parents.

I got inside and just.. sat down. On the floor. I wanted to feel something so bad, I wanted to be mad, sad, depressed, something. But it was all nothing. I laid down on the cold hard floor and just felt the world spinning around me. I could tell Theo wasn't home, he was probably out with Davey somewhere.

After a long time of lying on the floor, I trudged up to my room. I laid on my bed for what felt like hours, I couldn't sleep. The whole world was spinning around me, moving along, like nothing happened. It was torture.

     My brain was stuck on that hospital floor hearing the words 'I'm sorry for your loss' and 'He has passed'. My baby brother, August, Aussie, the little asshole.. gone. He died hating me... that thought makes me want to die. He hated me, we never made up, he hated me. He hated me. He hated me.

    I went to the bathroom and took whatever medication I thought would knock me out. When I saw myself in the mirror I smashed it, I didn't want to see myself, I didn't want to ever see myself again. Pain shot through my hand and I bandaged it up and sat on the edge of the tub, just staring at the mirror shards all over the floor. The urge to pick one up and- no. I can't do that... I can't.. I..