Save me from my self-destruction. In other words, I self-harmed again last night. I didn’t have any access to a sharp object so instead I used a fingernail and scratched my arm until the skin was raw. I woke up this morning and it looks a little bit worse than I expected. My excuse is that I tripped over my bed, and being me, people believe it fairly easily. I told Annie the truth but only her so far. Of course now she’s worried, and I told her not to worry about me but that won’t change anything. Last night was really rough. I just started typing words into my iPod. Anything I thought. I wrote in the scratching. I wrote about my music. I wrote about her. And I concluded with “If anyone reads this, yeah it’s fucking true. No I don’t care. Good night. Fuck you all,”
It may have been a rough night, but that doesn’t make it bad. This is going to sound really wrong but I sort of enjoyed it. And I don’t regret the scratching. I’ll probably do it again. Maybe tonight. Probably tomorrow night though, depending on what happens in the next day or two. Also depending on what I do with the whole situation with her. Her being Bailey. Yeah I’ve named her. Are you fucking happy? I don’t care. But I’ve talked to Annie about her, and apparently Bailey is sort of sad at the moment. I can’t really remember the reasons. But of course now that I know she’s sad I’ll be worried about her, and if I’m worried about her I’ll get over emotional, and that, added with the fact that I really like her and I don’t know what I’m going to do about it will almost certainly end badly. From my friends perspectives that is. Because apparently me hurting myself is a reason for them to worry. My head is all fucked up at the moment. A sort of mixture of depression, music, homesickness, exhaustion and Bailey. And then there’s the whole John and Annie story. He really likes her, and she doesn’t like him. I’m getting slightly sick of John talking to me about her. Maybe I’m being selfish but hey, I have problems of my own, you don’t see me running around being depressing to peoples’ faces. Now, I’m going to probably scratch. Good night, fuck you all.
-Anonymous
