Leah’s gone now. She’s in China. And I did it again. Two nights ago, about four hours after she left. It’s bad. Right on my left hip. I don’t know what to do. I can’t decide if I want to stop or not. But Leah said that if I did it, she would. And I would have to tell her if I did it. I promised. I promised too many people that I wouldn’t do it again. I did tell Leah. She just replied. I knew I shouldn’t have told her. Overreactions. Now she’ll probably worry about me for days, even though I told her I’m fine. She won’t believe me. No one ever believes me. I feel really bad about doing it, just because I broke my promise. I hope she doesn’t do it as well. That’s a promise she can afford to break. I miss her a lot already. More than I feel like I should. And of course I managed to forget that she was probably going to email me and so I missed it. I’m probably too late now. She probably won’t check her emails again until tomorrow. I only have to wait another 23 hours. But to think that I miss her this much already, after three days, I have no idea how I’m going to survive the whole five weeks. I keep just wishing she was here just so that I could share something with her. I don’t want to just keep emailing her because she’ll think I’m desperate. She’ll get annoyed, and then she’ll most likely say good bye to me for the rest of her life. I don’t deserve her, but then again, who do I deserve. I just wish she was here so that I could talk to her. Just about anything and everything.
It’s constant. Instead of being at least vaguely happy for most of the day, and then occasionally just suddenly feeling like shit, I just hate everyone all the time. My mum simply tapped me on the shoulder before and I felt like yelling at her. It’s scaring me. I don’t know what’s happening to me. I’m seeing the people from my China group in two days, on the first day back at school. We have our welcome back breakfast. I’m really worried that the people I became so close with are going to hate me. I’m not the same now as I was a week ago. There’s something wrong and I can’t figure out what it is. Maybe I’m just stressed due to the massive amount of work that I have to do but I don’t think that’s it. But everyone I told about the new scratch has lectured me and told me not to do it. I’m just sick of them telling me what to do. All it does is make me feel worse which makes me feel like scratching it even more. So today, while it was raining I just went for a walk, trying to find a private place where I could just be alone without the risk of anyone ever finding me. I didn’t exactly find it, but I was alone enough. The sight of blood may disturb other people, but it really helped. The rain poured onto it and mixed with my own blood. It felt so good and I don’t know why. I’m really dizzy at the moment and really lightheaded. I feel like I’m going to collapse. I’m just really uncomfortable all over, not like restless, I don’t even know what it is. Like the floor is heaving and uneven. I’m scared. I don’t know what to do. I just really need someone to hold on to. I really just need Leah.
-Anonymous
