It Started With a Spinny

Being Held

Vee lays there, no more tears left to cry, no strength left, just letting herself be held between Amity and Luz. Letting Amity stroke the back of her head, letting Luz hold her so completely, both making her feel warm and, despite the leaden guilt filling her chest, safe.

But she still doesn't understand.

Her voice is raw from crying, croaking as she tries to speak.

Amity leans down to ask: "What was that?"

Vee tries again: "Why won't you hate me?"

"Shh-" Luz starts, but Vee shakes her head, her teal-blue mohawk tickling Luz's face and making her audibly grimace.

"S-sorry," she tries, both for the hair and because: "I, I need to understaa-" her voice gives out on the last word.

Amity looks pained, but is also trying not to grin at the ridiculous noises Luz is making as she rubs her nose. Amity returns her full attention to Vee, asking with that patient kindness she'd become unfairly familiar with: "Vee, do you remember what I told you about me and Boscha?"

Vee nods, then flinches.

"Yeah, I was thinking and I figured that was probably you too?"

Vee nods again.

Luz looks over her shoulder, "Wait, what was her? And what's this about you and Boscha?" Luz gasps: "Did you two used to date?!"

Amity smiles tenderly, whispering to Vee: "Luz has a thing for backstory."

Luz audibly nods behind Vee's head, before audibly rubbing her nose again.

Both Vee and Amity smile, and Amity takes a deep breath, speaking to both Vee and Luz as she continues: "Well, like I told Vee when I thought she was you, me and Boscha used to date."

Luz squees and kicks her feet.

"Back before I met you, back before I was... me."

Luz stops.

"And the Amity I was trying to be, liked Boscha. It was fun to constantly butt heads and shamelessly flirt and," she takes another breath, "and I didn't feel I could say no to her. The Amity I was trying to be wouldn't say no to her, constantly upping the ante, constantly competing, always being confident and so - so I did things I wasn't ready for."

Vee reaches out to hold Amity's shoulder, finding Luz holding her arm too as she adds a sorrowful: "Oh Amity, I'm sorry!"

Amity nods, "And even then I just couldn't be honest with her about how I was feeling. I couldn't even be honest with myself! So I kept making excuses when she wanted to hang out, kept avoiding being alone with her, and when she eventually lost it and begged me to just talk to her..."

Vee tries to speak, managing a croaky: "You couldn't?"

Amity closes her eyes, and nods, adding with a defeated cheer: "And you know the saddest part? I probably could have just talked to her, really talked to her! Titan, we were both trying so hard to be what other people expected us to be, and it certainly wasn't making me happy, and maybe - maybe we could have really talked, really confided in each other, really worked it out. Maybe she would have listened... but," she draws inwards, "but I was so afraid. I was so afraid if she found out who I really was, that I'd just been pretending with her, even without meaning to - I thought she'd hate me. Maybe she would have. I'd have hated me."

Both Luz and Vee rub her shoulder, not sure what to say. Amity closes her eyes tighter before admitting: "But I didn't even think before I told her everything was fine, that I just wasn't feeling it or something, something vague. I don't think we ever even broke up, not properly, we just - stopped being girlfriends, went back to just being snarky friends like nothing had ever happened. But, there was real pain behind it. I think... I think she really liked me. And I think I really hurt her."

Vee and Luz still hold her shoulder, and Amity reaches up to squeeze Luz's hand, then squeezes Vee's, opening her teary eyes to say: "So I do understand Vee. And part of me thinks I should be more upset than I am. Maybe tomorrow I will be: I showed you a side of myself I'm still getting comfortable just letting Luz see, and I'm still figuring out how I feel about that. And today, you really hurt me."

Vee nods, tries to look down, Amity lifting her free hand to hold Vee's cheek, making her look up into that patient kindness, even somehow, a smile. "Buuut," Amity adds, "I know what it's like to double down on a lie until you're too afraid to do anything at all. I do understand. And while I'll figure out how I feel about everything tomorrow, that doesn't mean I'll hate you."

Vee nods, croaking: "Th-ank you. I'll... I don't know if I can make it up to you. But I'll try! And I'm sorr-" her voice gives out again.

Amity squeezes her cheek. "Thank you Vee. Meanwhile," she looks over Vee's shoulder to Luz, who peers back suddenly apprehensive.

"Meanwhile?"

Amity takes a deep breath. "Luz, you know you can be honest with me if I'm going too fast, right?"

Luz nods.

"I do mean it. I know this is all knew to you and I don't want you to do what I did and not be honest because you think I won't accept it."

"I, I know, I just..." Luz hides behind Vee again, emphatically adding: "It's just that kissing you is still so much, so so much! And the thought of doing more..." she curls up against Vee tighter, letting out a muffled: "it's a lot, and I really want to but, I-"

Amity squeezes Luz's hand, "You can take all the time you need. I'll be here when you're ready, I promise."

"... thank you!"

Amity and Vee share a pained smile.

"... but!"

The smile freezes.

"But there's more!"

They both look at each other, and nod. Amity adding: "I know Luz."

Immediately Luz peers over Vee's shoulder: "You do! How?" She looks down at Vee, suddenly small as Luz asks: "did you-"

"No no no-" Vee croaks, trying to continue despite the pain.

"She didn't tell me," Amity states, "she just, told me what to say to help you tell me."

Luz shrinks half behind Vee's shoulder. "What to say?"

Amity nods, "That I know there's something you're not telling me."

Luz shrinks further.

"Something that happened to you."

Further, hiding behind Vee.

"A mistake you made in the Boiling Isles."

Further, hiding in Vee's mane.

Vee reaches to take Luz's hand, squeezes. She tries to clear her throat, speaks softly: "A mistake," she clears her throat again, "a mistake you want to tell her, need to tell her, but you're too afraid to tell her because you think, somehow, that she won't love you any more."

Luz's hand is shaking.

Amity reaches down to hold Luz's hand with Vee, imploring: "And you know that's wrong Luz! You know I won't hate you! I may be upset, I may be hurt, but I promise I won't hate you!"

Luz is pressed up tightly against the back of Vee's neck, and Vee feels it when Luz nods, and weakly says: "okay."