It Started With a Spinny

With Us

She feels both their hands falter, like they want to hold her closer, pull her into a hug, tell her it's okay!

But it's not okay.

She opens her eyes, blinking through the tears to see Luz, her burgundy hair caught in the sunlight, her hazel eyes so full of care and concern even now, even after everything.

"You're so wonderful," Vee hears, taking a long moment to realise she's the one who said it. And Luz smiles that wonderful smile of hers, and Vee can't help but continue, letting the feelings filling her chest out and into her tearful words: "And I tried to make things right, right here, for you, for both of you!" She closes her eyes, "I tried to fix everything I broke, make it all right again, but being Amity didn't work! And so I told you, I told you how I felt. I told you that I, that I..."

"That you loved me?"

Vee breathes out. She nods. "And you said you loved me too!" She closes her eyes, "And I know you meant Amity, you thought I was Amity, but, but..."

Amity squeezes her hand, "Go on, it's okay."

Vee's lip shakes as she smiles: "But I forgot that! I mean, I remembered it when you were surprised, realized you two mustn't have said it yet, but before I could hate myself for that you were hugging me and telling me how happy you were that you could be yourself and saying that you loved me so much! And then..."

"Then I kissed you."

Vee nods frantically, "And I kissed you back! Because I love you too! And it felt so real, that you loved me and I love you and you were kissing me and I was kissing you and it was all so perfect! The best first kiss ever... except," she breathes out a pained gasp, "except it wasn't me! You didn't love me, you loved Amity! You were kissing Amity! And as soon as I realized that I stopped because it was wrong and bad and and... and part of me, part of me..."

Luz holds her trembling hand in both of hers. When she speaks her tone isn't judgemental, but understanding, as she asks: "Part of you wished you hadn't?"

Vee nods, "I'm sorry! I know that's bad, really bad!"

"Vee-"

"And the worst part is that's not even why I wished I hadn't stopped! I wished I hadn't stopped because, because I wanted it to be real! But it wasn't real, it never could be real, because I was me, and I'm so sorry!"

Luz and Amity are quiet for a long time, Luz's hands tensing around Vee's, and she knows she'll hug her the moment she cries. But right now-

"Vee," Amity asks.

Vee flinches.

"I'm sorry, Vee I'm not mad."

Vee hunches inwards. "You can be mad if you wan-"

"I don't hate you."

"... thank you."

"And there's no buts this time, none at all! I just," Amity gently but insistently takes Vee's other hand in both of hers, making Vee nervously look up through her tears, and see something she never expected - tears in Amity's eyes too. "I'm just, I'm sad your first kiss wasn't everything it should have been!"

Vee blinks.

Amity looks down, her voice small. "Was kissing me like that too?"

"No, no I, that..." Vee looks down, breathes out: "That was different."

"Can you tell me? If you want to, you d-"

"I was trying so hard not to cry! Not because, not-" she closes her eyes, makes herself take another steadying breath to try to push the tears down, desperate to explain. "I knew that if I cried, I'd lose control: I was so low on magic that I'd change and it'd all be over! And I knew that if I could just hold on for a moment longer, just a little bit more, then I could make everything right again, make it so you two would talk, really talk, and everything would be okay! And I was trying so hard to just hold on, just hold on, so that everything, everything... and then you kissed me!"