It Started With a Spinny

Shame on You

She mutely shakes her head.

Amity nods, "I wouldn't have, I don't... it was back, before, when I was trying to be who my parents wanted me to be. Top Student, Popular Girl, Queen Firebee, ya'know?"

She nods, "The School Bitch?"

Amity stares.

She covers her mouth with her hands, "I'm sorry!"

Amity laughs: "No that's fair, just - a bit more blunt than usual, but fair." Amity gently takes both her hands, holds them up between the two of them, staring down at them again. She sighs, her voice small: "I wasn't a very nice person. I know that, believe me, I know that. And I still haven't properly apologised to Willow, or Gus, or Hunter - wait Hunter wasn't there. I mean he was in the walls for a while but anyway," Amity squeezes her hands, "my point is, yes, I was a bitch."

She apologetically nods.

"And the worse part is I kind of... liked it? Sort of. I mean I was popular, I was respected, I was admired, and that made me happy... sort of. It was supposed to make me happy." Amity closes her eyes, "And then Boscha asked me out, and I thought, why not, the two most popular girls dating, Hexside's Power Couple! And she was certainly hot, and I liked the way she made me feel, but, but I..."

She squeezes Amity's hands back, trying to match that gentle, reassuring tone Amity always uses, as she prompts: "But you, you didn't like her as a person?"

Amity shrugs. "Part of me did though. Part of me thought we were perfect for each other. I just couldn't show weakness around her, couldn't be emotional or caring, couldn't be... me."

She nods, "And you started to wonder who you really were inside."

Amity nods. "The Popular Amity liked being with her, constantly butting heads, constantly teasing each other, shamelessly flirting and making everyone so jealous. Fooling around. And it felt good but, well-"

"But you did things Popular Amity would do, but Amity wouldn't do."

Amity nods. "Things I wasn't ready for."

She squeezes Amity's hands tightly: "Oh I'm sorry!"

Amity squeezes back, then squeezes harder as she looks up, tears in her golden eyes: "And I don't want you to ever feel like that! Not ever! Like you can't be yourself and have to pretend to be someone who'se braver and more confident and more ready and... and please know you can always, always, always be yourself with me, always, no matter what!"

She takes a long moment. Then: "Thank you!"

Amity nods, moving to hold her face in both hands. "You promise me!"

She nods, "I promise! Thank you, you're..." she nervously holds Amity's shoulders, "I'm, I'm really grateful that I can be myself around you Amity, that I don't have to pretend. And I promise, I promise that I'll try really really really hard not to pretend anymore!"

Amity nods: "Thank you!" And her smile is so wonderful.

It's only then she realises how close Amity is. There are still tears in her smiling eyes, and that just makes everything even more unbearably earnest, so vulnerable and honest, her smile so much more wonderfully real that she feels her hearts racing again and-

Amity strokes her cheek, "Youuu're blushiiing."

She blinks: "I'm sorry! I, I shouldn't be."

Amity raises an eyebrow, "Why not, I'm blushing aren't I?"

She certainly is, her pale face warmed by it, that bold warmth in her eyes again. Amity bites her lips, and it undoes her, but not as much as the huskiness in Amity's voice as she whispers: "Is it weird that I really want to kiss you right now?"

She swallows, "Iy, um-"

"Don't worry I'm not going to."

"Oh. Why not?" Her eyes widen, "I mean-"

Amity laughs again, and it makes her hearts sing! Amity strokes her cheek as she teases: "Because silly, what we just talked about!"

She stares. "About, pretending?"

Amity nods, "I know I've been going too fast for you, and you've been pretending that I haven't, right?"

She stares.

Amity raises an eyebrow, "Like last night?"

"L-last night?"

She nods, "When we were alone, here on the sofa, alone. And I was hesitant to try anything and it was really nice just holding hands and I didn't want to ruin it. But then, I tried, stroking your arm a little?"

She can see it so clearly, Amity and Luz holding hands on the sofa, looking so perfect, Amity bringing her other hand over and starting to gently play with her forearm, stroking the sensitive inside, making her gasp.

Amity gasps too, "And it seemed like you, like you didn't entirely mind that?"

She nods.

"And so I tried, stroking higher."

Stroking her upper arm, her shoulder, her neck.

"Until I was holding your cheek."

Turning her to see Amity staring up at her.

"And we kissed. For the first time in a while. And then we kept kissing."

Ho boy!

"And, without really meaning too, I climbed on top of you."

Amity straddling her, looking down at her with her golden eyes full of nervous excitement. Holding her face, pulling her up into another kiss, and another, and another!

"And we kept kissing, a lot."

Hnnngh!

"And then I leaned closer, and you were disappointed it wasn't to kiss you."

Mmmhmm!

"And I whispered in your ear."

Whispered?!

"Did you want to go upstairs?"

She can't breathe! Her hearts are racing so hard it hurts, her hands on Amity's shoulders shaking! Her brown hands. Luz's hands. She's talking about Luz, she's telling all this to Luz!

"And then you looked so guilty," her golden eyes fill with pain, "just like you do now."

Her eyes widen: "I, I'm sorry, I shouldn't, I should-"

"Luz," the way Amity says that hurts so much, and not just for the pain in Amity's voice, "Luz there's no should or shouldn't. There's what you're comfortable with, and I, I really shouldn't have gone and made you uncomfortable all over again." She looks down, "I'm sorry, that was really selfish of me."

Her hearts stop: "No no Amity I, I was, I-"

Amity looks up with timid hope, "You liked it?"

She nods.

Amity smiles, but it's forced. "I liked it with Boscha too, but that doesn't mean I was ready. And with Boscha I couldn't say that. But you can with me! I promise, I promise you can always be yourself with me!"

She tries to nod.

Amity's smile falters, "You, you don't believe me?"

Her hearts stop: "I, I'm sorry I, this is all so much and I don't know what to say!"

Amity moves to hug her and she goes tense. Amity stops. "Would, would you like me to give you some space?"

She hesitates, then frantically nods!

Amity squeezes her cheeks goodbye, and very reluctantly lets go. "I'll, okay, but we'll talk later? When you're ready?"

She nods, trying so hard not to cry!

Amity reaches for her, stops, and stands, holding her own elbow uncomfortably. She looks like she wants to say something, but turns and leaves, leaves Luz sitting there on the sofa, tears streaming down her face.