It Started With a Spinny

With Me

Luz and Amity both stare.

"I mean!" She lets go of their hands to urgently implore: "I mean I was thinking about when I kissed you, not that, I... I'm sorry," she looks down, crossing her arms over her knees, "I know I shouldn't."

Very gently, Amity and Luz both touch her hands again. She looks up, and they both have that pained look in their eyes, Luz asking: "Do you remember what Miriam said, about feeling your feelings?"

Vee sighs, reluctantly nodding.

Amity frowns, "Wait, I'm lost - how do you feel your feelings? Like other than normally feeling them?"

"Accepting your feelings instead of denying them," Luz and Vee both look at each other, smirking. Luz continues: "Not intellectualabla-" she blows a raspberry, "-not intellectualising your feelings. Not explaining away what you feel as bad or wrong or not what you should feel."

"Just letting yourself feel," Vee admits, "listening to your feelings, and trying to understand."

Amity nods. "So, what are you feeling Vee? I mean, if you wanted to talk about it?"

Vee breathes in shakily. "Well, my hearts are racing, but they also feel... heavy. And I feel sick, not just in my stomach."

Amity gasps, "I'm sorry, I was worried about the cheese, I should have-"

"It's guilt," Vee insists, "I feel guilty, like I always do. And also... really sad, when I think about... I'm sorry."

There's a moment of silence, Amity and Luz's eyes filling with even more pain. Luz squeezes her hand, "Vee, you've already apologised. Several times!"

Vee nods without looking.

"And also," Amity squeezes her hand before shifting to kneel, facing Vee. She reaches out to hold Vee's hand fully in both of hers, the rolled card and it's magic in the centre, surrounded by Amity's warm, steady touch. Her golden eyes are filled with a fiercely, tearful joy, as she looks down at a staring Vee, Amity smiling so very, very kindly.

"Vee?"

She mutely nods.

"I forgive you."

She stares, "You, you do?"

Amity nods, her voice breaking slightly: "Yeah, I do! And I'm sorry it took me so long."

Vee blinks, "No, no I-"

"Let me guess," Amity smiles with that pained fondness, "you never thought it was possible? You were prepared to just bare that forever in silence?"

Vee mutely nods, "I, I didn't," she blinks, "how can you forgive me?"

Amity looks down guiltily. "Because a lot of what I was feeling was insecurity, coming from many different places, not just you. And now," she looks over at Luz, her golden eyes full of such tender love as she reaches out to take Luz's hand as well, adding: "now I don't feel that way any more."

Luz breathes out, looking down, "Th-thank you! And," she looks up, "and thank you for letting me tell you the truth, even though if it took me a while. A long while, I mean a really reall-"

"I forgive you too."

Luz breathes in shakily: "Th-thank you! And," she closes her eyes, "thank you, for not hating me."

Amity looks so pained as she insists, "Luz, I could never hate you. I love you!"

Luz gasps, her eyes flying open. "You do?"

Amity smiles from her heart, "Yeah, I do! And I'm sorry it took me so long to-"

"I love you too!"

Amity looks like she's going to cry even as Luz leaps to her knees and hugs her tightly, "I love you I love you I love you so much!"

Amity laughs, pulling back to cup both of Luz's cheeks, making them both breathe in as they look at each other. Amity hesitates, looking down at Vee.

Her giddy smile drops as she leans back, "I'm sorry! I should go!"

"No Vee!" They both reach out, holding her hands, Amity insisting, "I'm sorry, I got carried away, it just felt right to say it and-"

"Please don't apologise!" Vee implores, her smile returning in full as the joy in her hearts overflows into her words: "It's so good to see you both okay! That you're going to be okay! That I didn't ruin everything!" Her voice breaks on the last word, her eyes hot with fresh tears.

Amity and Luz both lean down urgently, holding her shoulders, Luz imploring, "Hey, hey none of that! It's okay, you didn't ruin anything!"

Vee sadly nods.

"Is that," Luz hesitates, "is that why you still feel so guilty? When you think about... kissing me, and Amity?"

She nods. Then, after a moment's pause, she shakes her head.

Amity squeezes her shoulder, "What are you feeling then?"

Vee takes a deep, shaky breath, trying so hard to keep the tears in as she admits: "I feel, I feel sad. Sad that, that-" she closes her eyes, "sad that I ruined it!"

Luz squeezes her shoulder, "No no Vee, no I told you, me and Amity-"

"I ruined my first kiss!"

Amity and Luz both stare in stunned silence. And Vee knows they'll rush forward and hug her the moment she cries, but right now what she wants even more than their arms around her, making her feel safe - what she wants even more is to explain!

"I know I shouldn't feel this way," she sniffs, "I know I should feel bad because I took advantage of you, both of you, and I do feel bad for that!"

Slowly, gently, Amity leans closer, "What else do you feel bad for?"

Vee feels the rising pressure of her tears, takes a deep, shaking breath to push them back down.

Luz leans closer too, "It's okay, you can take your time, all the time you need!"

Amity squeezes her shoulder, "And if you don't want to talk about it-"

Vee shakes her head.

"You don't want to talk about it? Or you don't not - you do want to talk about it?"

Vee nods.

Amity reaches for her, stops. "Should I give you a minute?"

Vee breathes out shakily. She nods.

Amity sits back on her knees, and so does Luz, both looking ready to pounce with a hug at the slightest provocation. Vee smiles to herself. She takes a deep, shaky breath, and another, keeping breathing until her breathes start coming steady again, the pressure retreating. Then she makes herself talk:

"I know I should feel bad for taking advantage of you."

Luz gently touches her hand, "But?"

Vee sniffs, "And I do feel bad for that!"

Amity touches her other hand, "It's okay, what else do you feel bad for?"

Vee closes her eyes, "For it not being real."