It Started With a Spinny

Being Loved

Vee takes another breath: "I was trying to make things right, really really! I though that if I could just repeat the conversation Amity and I had, the important conversation I stole," she closes her eyes, takes another breath.

Amity squeezes her hands, "I believe you, you were trying to-"

"It didn't work!" Vee frowns, "I said the same things you said to me, but it didn't work, it just made everything so much worse! And so I," she feels Luz's hand holding hers, wants to turn her hand to hold hers back so much, can't. "So I thought what I'd want Luz to say to me. That's what I was practicing, when you startled me in the laundry."

Luz frowns, "When did I-"

"I meant Amity."

Amity blinks, "In the laundry, that day when, wait-" her eyes widen.

"Yeah, that was me. I know it sounds stupid, but I was practicing talking to Luz, as me and as Luz, practicing apologising for the day before, and I lost track of who I was."

Luz frowns, "Wait, the day before?"

Vee nods, "When you saw Amity in here trying on a purple dress."

"Oh," Luz tenses, "Wait, that was you?"

Vee closes her eyes, "Yeah. And that time it really was an accident, I promise! I was trying on my thrift store buys, trying to understand them so I could shapeshift them, and the dress just wasn't working! And I figured I was the problem, so I became taller, slimmer, fuller, paler, with pink hair. I became... you." She looks apologetically up at Amity.

Amity is still staring wide eyed, looking pained. But she controls herself, nods, "And then Luz happened upon you?"

Vee nods sheepishly.

"Yeah I," Luz starts, "I was going to the bathroom and then I saw my girlfriend wearing this amazing dress!"

Vee hunches inwards, "You said I was pretty."

"Well, you were! Amity was, I-"

"No one had ever called me pretty before."

"..."

"And then you came in and you told me to do a spinny so I could see what the skirt was like, and I did, and I fell into your arms laughing and - and then you looked at me, in a way no-one has ever looked at me before. And you said you didn't just mean the dress, when you said I was pretty."

Luz squeezes her hands, "Oh Vee!"

"And I forget who I was, I forgot you meant Amity, your girlfriend! I thought you were talking to me! And then I was practicing apologising and Amity came in and told me she was worried about me! That I could talk to her! That I mattered!"

Amity squeezes too, "Vee I'm so-"

"And you were talking to your girlfriend, not to me! But it felt so good to be seen, to be cared for, to be told I was pretty, that I mattered." She looks up to Amity, who looks like she's about to hug her again, Vee stopping her by holding her hand meaningfully, trying to beat the approaching tears to say: "And I know you showed me a side of you you're only comfortable showing Luz, and I'm sorry! But that side of you," she smiles, "that tender, patient, kind, vulnerable, honest, caring side of you! That's so wonderful, and makes me feel so safe!"

Amity squeezes her hand, tries to speak.

"And Luz!" she holds Luz's hand for what may be the last time: "Luz I - when I tried to talk to you on the hilltop, and being Amity wasn't working, I told you what I would have wanted you to tell me."

Luz squeezes her hand, "That it was an accident? That I'd never do it again, so you forgave me?"

Vee nods, then closes her eyes and shakes her head, "But it wasn't an accident! And I did do it again, and again and again! And when you asked me to tell you that I didn't hate you, I told you I couldn't hate you, that I loved you! And that made everything so much worse because you two hadn't said it yet and I stole that moment and I'm so sorry but - when I said I loved you, I wasn't Amity. I was me. I love you Luz, and not as your manita. I love you!"

She still has her eyes closed, the only thing holding back the tears as she squeezes Amity's hand, "And I like you Amity! And I know I shouldn't! I know I have no right to feel this way, but I'm trying so hard to come back to myself, to remember who I am, and I like you, and I love you, and I'm sorry-"

Now Amity does hugs her, and so does Luz, tightly, Vee's words and apologies tumbling into tears she didn't even think she had left. And Amity and Luz hug her, hold her, stroke her hair, and lay with her until at long last, Vee falls asleep safe in their arms.

*   *   *

She passes in and out of sleep, half waking only to feel Luz and Amity still holding her, still keeping her safe. They're talking in hushed voices, like they don't want to wake her. Maybe the really don't hate her. She smiles to herself, and goes back to sleep.

She's tucked into the blankets, and she's cuddled up to someone, their arm limply around her shoulders. Her head is on their warm chest, rising and falling in the slow breathes of sleep. Vee blinks, moving carefully so as not to disturb them, looks up to see Luz, sleeping on her back. Vee smiles, and carefully snuggles her chest again. Luz moans in her sleep, and holds her closer.

Vee beams, whispering: "I wish I could want this." Very carefully she extricates herself from Luz's arm. Luz groans in her sleep, and Vee whispers a soothing: "Shhh, it's okay, go back to sleep." She brushes Luz's fringe out of her face, her beautiful face. She wants to kiss her, but knows she can't, and not just because it'd be wrong. She wants to kiss her as her girlfriend, and for Luz to kiss her back as Vee. And she can't have that. And that hurts so much but, but she has to accept that.

So instead, Vee carefully leans closer and kisses Luz's forehead, saying a last whispered: "thank you."

Luz mumbles in her sleep, rolling over, taking a significant amount of the blankets with her. Vee giggles under her breath, turns and slides her tail out of the blankets, sitting on the edge of the bed and looking down on Amity's bed, with Amity on her side, staring back at her.

Vee's hearts stop.

Amity blinks, "Sorry," she says before wincing at the volume, whispering: "sorry."

Vee blinks sideways, whispering: "Why?"

Amity frowns, whispering: "Um, hard to explain while whispering. Maybe we could talk about it over a drink? Downstairs?"

Vee nods, and Amity carefully gets out of her bed. She's wearing that watermelon pink nightdress that looks so indecently cute on her.

Vee shakes her head. She can't think like that any more! So she carefully gets out of Luz's bed, and follows Amity and her perfectly normal nightdress downstairs.