It Started With a Spinny

Double Crush

Amity takes another second, "Honestly, it sounds like you didn't really think it through?"

Vee hangs her head, "And then we were alone, and you looked so good!"

Amity laughs, "Vee I was all sweaty and gross!"

"You were you!"

"Are you calling me gross?"

"No no I," Vee frantically turns, sees Amity smirking apologetically.

"Sorry, bad joke."

Vee looks down, "You were," she closes her eyes again, breathes out, "before that you were Amity, pretty and cool and perfect! But then, just then, you were, not perfect. Not in a bad way or anything, you were just - you! Honestly, really you, all rugged and unkept and vulnerable and happy and... and you looked really, really good!" Vee hunches inwards. "And then I realized what I was doing, what I was seeing, that we were all alone and I was taking advantage and I freaked out and I ran and... and I made you think Luz didn't want you any more."

Amity takes her trembling hands. Vee looks up, sees Amity looking down. She sighs, "I, I'm not gonna say that didn't hurt. It did. But also," she shakes her head, "I already knew there was something wrong between me and Luz. And that day made me rethink things, wonder if I was going to fast with her. And I was going too fast - and then the next time we were alone I went and pounced her!" She hangs her head. "I'm so bad at this!"

Vee squeezes her hands back, "It wasn't about that, not really."

Amity looks up.

Vee swallows: "Sorry, I don't know if I-"

"It's okay," Amity smirks: "you have a bit of a unique perspective here."

Vee hunches inwards.

Amity winces. She reaches up, holds her cheek. "If you'd like to tell me, then I'd like to listen?"

Vee nods. "Luz thought," she swallows, "Luz thought that, if you knew, about Belos, about Phillip, then you'd hate her."

She looks up to see the pained looked in Amity's eyes, as she nods.

Vee nods too, "And then, then you wouldn't want to kiss her any more, if you knew. She thought she was taking advantage of you, lying to you and pretending to be someone she wasn't, someone you still wanted to kiss."

Amity's eyes are watering. "She thought that?"

Vee looks down sharply, "But now I say it out loud I worry I'm confusing her and me and-"

"No that, that actually makes sense," Amity looks down, "that makes a lot of sense actually. If Luz thought I'd hate her if I knew, and she deliberately wasn't telling me - oh Titan!" She holds her own head, "She already thought she was bad and hurtful and evil, and then there I was trying to be intimate with her when she felt so guilty and thinking that - oh Luz you sweet idiot!"

"But now you do know," Vee reaches out to hold Amity's hands, adding: "and you don't hate her, right?"

"Of course not," Amity looks so pained, "But how can I convince her of that?"

"Give her time? She," Vee looks down, "now I know I'm confusing her and me, but, I think, I think it's the same?"

Amity nods: "Go on. Please?"

Vee takes a deep breath, "Luz, she was," she closes her eyes, "she was totally convinced that if she told you, then you'd hate her. That was it: she'd tell you, and you'd, you two – it would be over, and she'd be alone."

Amity squeezes her hands: "Vee-"

She shakes her head, "But now Luz has told you, and you don't hate her! And that's," she breathes out, "that's not gonna make sense to her, not for a while. She's still gonna be waiting for everything to explode, wondering when it'll turn out that she was right and she has ruined everything! But," she weakly squeezes Amity's hands back, "but the more you tell her that you don't hate her, tell her that you understand, tell her that she isn't bad or hurtful or evil or all the things she tells herself. Tell her," she closes her eyes, "tell her that you still want her in your life, and every time it'll get easier for her to believe it. I think. I hope."

Vee's hands go slack as Amity reaches up to hold her shoulders, her voice so warm and caring as she implores: "Thank you, Vee, for telling me that. I'll, I'll give her time, and regular reminders that everything's okay and she isn't evil." Amity leans just a little closer, enough to make Vee open her eyes and look up to see Amity's patient smile. "And I don't hate you, remember?"

"I know, it just," she breathes in, " it helps to hear it, sorry." She looks off to one side, "And maybe, maybe also do slow down a bit with Luz?"

Amity blushes, "Yeah maybe I was overcompensating a little?"

Vee laughs, "You straddled her and enthusiastically made out with her before asking if she wanted to go further!"

Amity blushes harder, "Okay maybe a lot!" She looks up, and Vee flinches, is about to apologise. "And I am sorry," Amity starts, "for describing that to you in such vivid detail!"

Now it's Vee's turn to blush. "I, you didn't, you-"

"I know," Amity gently interrupts, "but, well, with you having a crush on me, and on Luz, that must have been, well, a lot!"

Vee nods, blushing madly.

Amity starts to pull away. "Sorry, should I not-"

"I've never had a crush before. Not before, you. And Luz."

Amity holds Vee's shoulders again, looking down as she admits. "It's, it's a lot, isn't it! I'd say it gets easier with time, but I think Luz is my first crush too, so I really, I don't know." She laughs, "Meanwhile you went and started with a double first crush!"

Vee laughs, "I can't do anything right can I?"

Amity squeezes her shoulders, "Vee no, you're not broken. You're trying to figure out big new feelings all by yourself."

Vee nods meekly.

"But you're not all by yourself any more, remember?" Vee looks up, sees that pained look in Amity's eyes, "And I'm so, so sorry I made you think that you were."

Vee blinks sideways, "You, what, when, how?"

Amity looks down, "Right here. When I told you that you mattered, then immediately took that away from you."

Vee stares, "Amity no, no you thought-"

"I thought you were Luz, I know, but whether or not I meant to, I still really hurt you. And I am sorry for that."

Vee doesn't know what to say.

Amity looks up, "So I wanted to make it clear, here and now, that you do matter, that you can talk to me! I should have said that before, and I'm so sorry I didn't, so I'm saying it now - Vee you've been through so much, and you can and should have someone to talk to whenever you need to! And if you wanted, I hope you can talk to me, if, if you wanted to?"

Vee looks down. "I... I'll try. Thank you."

Amity squeezes her shoulders. "Anytime! But right now," she leans down just a little to capture Vee's view again, making her look up to see Amity smiling at her with that patient kindness. "Would it be okay if I gave you a hug?"

Vee breathes in. She nods enthusiastically.

Amity gently pulls her close, and Vee lets herself be held, really held, lets Amity stroke the back of her green-blond hair, making her feel so warm and held and safe.

Her voice comes out so small she worries it won't be heard: "you know, you know I'm not Luz, right?"

Amity nods, "I know Vee," and keeps holding her.