The Unique Life of an Average Girl

Good Mood

Day 21 - 7/5/15

I am in a really good mood. I have been feeling petty good lately (emotionally). I think my good mood started a couple of weeks ago. I am not sure. But I really like it. I really haven't felt this good in so long. In about 5 years. I think all the weight I've been carrying on my shoulders is gone. I hate to say that. But it is true. I seriously feel like I used to, before. Before my life was turned upside down.

It was first turned upside down in my freshman year of high school. People say that high school can either be the best or worst four years of your life. For me it was both. I loved high school. But when I wasn't there was the nightmare. I would rather have been there then at home. I know that is a really bad thing to say, but it was. Freshman year was the start of it all. The downfall of family.

I can remember that day like it was yesterday. It was the day my grandmother's Alzheimer's was triggered. It was the day her miniature horses were killed by the neighbors pit bulls. Two dogs against two little horses and the horses lost. That day was so traumatic. I wasn't allowed to see the bodies, but I didn't want to. There was a lot of blood. I remember when I went to school I think it was later that day? Or the next? I don't know, but I broke down and cried. I couldn't cry before because I needed to be strong for my family. 

Soon after that, I think within a week, my grandparents went out and got two more horses. The pain was too deep for my grandma. She couldn't look down at the barn and see the horror and remember. But the thing is it wasn't long before they were attacked too. Thankfully they weren't killed also. The thing is when the first attacked happened we learned that the pit bulls were mates, female and male, and only one was caught and put down. So one was still on the loose. The second attack was almost traumatic as the first time. The dog had ripped open the cheek of one horse to the bone. The horses were so traumatized.

Ever since that day my grandmother could never forget. The pain stayed within her. My mom and I went to their house every weekend. Every weekend. Her Alzheimer's never gotten to the point to where she didn't know us. But people she just met? Yeah no. For the first couple of years she would get into these moods. She was so angry. At everyone. Except me. There were times she would threaten to kill people especially my grandfather. We had to hide guns at that point.

She always brought up the bad times from the past. And if she was talking to a random person she would bring up the horse and their death. She would just breakdown.

For years we had to be there throughout all this. I was just fourteen when all this started. And at nineteen it all ended. My grandmother passed on Veteran's Day last year and my grandfather a couple of days after Christmas.  

The pain was so great. And the suckish part was that we did their memorial the day before my birthday, which was in May. For the longest time after they died I was depressed. It wasn't full on depression but it was still there. I failed two of my college classes because of it.

Even after 6 months it is still hard to talk about them. But somewhere along the way, I found myself again. I didn't even realize I was lost. Even though I have no more grandparents (they were the only ones I had) I think I am going to be ok. I no longer have to be in constant turmoil. I don't have any obligations anymore. They were my family and I loved them so much, but it was so hard...so hard to be there sometimes.

I am now crying. I haven't talked about them in a long time. I try not too. It still hurts too much. I cant even look at their pictures. I can barley walk in their rooms without hesitating. They died at home in their rooms. And to know that we are moving into their house is weird. I don't know why my mom wanted to move out there. It was the house where she grew up. And the thing that sucks is, is that she gets to go back to hers, but I have to leave mine. I grew up in this house. And after we move we have to sell it. How is it that fair?  

I am so mad at her for that.

Anyways, I think my good mood came upon me is that the depression is gone! My old self has returned. I can finally live my life as I want, well mostly.

I did promise you guys a longer blog page. I don't know if this is what you had in mind when reading the title of this page. Sorry to disappoint. If I did.

I think I will end the page now. Hope you all are in a good mood like me!