Pretend It's Okay

16 - The Truth (Part 2)

Things only got worse and being the closest to Jesy, Perrie received the most verbal abuse from the older woman. With how much she was hurting her emotionally, Perrie didn't pay attention to her physical pain. When they were informed that Jesy quit and blocked them Perrie's anxiety spiralled. She blamed herself for not being enough, not being able to help Jesy enough. After almost a decade she had failed to help her. The girls went through therapy and things were starting to get better but then they had to arrange a Confetti tour without a band member, deal with the media, and manage two pregnancies. There wasn't time to breathe and Perrie didn't notice her increasing fatigue and leg pain.

Morning sickness was a nightmare for the blonde. She found herself constantly fighting nausea and was throwing up multiple times a day. It was difficult to hide, especially when she started getting intense cramps in her legs. She was dehydrated and blamed the cramps and new dizziness on the pregnancy. After her miscarriage the symptoms let up. The exhaustion and leg pain never fully went away, not even during the Confetti tour and despite resting a lot on it she found herself sick for almost half of tour and had to perform against medical advice. Touring and her severe depression became the new justification for her symptoms.

It wasn't until Perrie was working on her debut that her symptoms started progressing again. The burning pain in her legs started happening multiple times a day and she started having falls. On top of that her fatigue was worse and she started having dizzy spells and debilitating nausea. Despite feeling like absolute crap most of the time Perrie was excited. This was what her pregnancy was like, and both her and Alex assumed she was pregnant. They booked a scan and started talking about baby names once again. She knew there was a high chance that damage and scar tissue from her miscarriage would leave her infertile but she was pregnant. Perrie hadn't been that happy in a long time.

She didn't believe the doctor when he told her there was no baby. Her symptoms matched her previous pregnancy and she didn't have an illness that would explain how she was feeling. The doctor referred her to the hospital for full body testing and analysis of the symptoms she blamed on pregnancy. With help from a neurologist she was able to properly articulate all of the seemingly unrelated symptoms and after a lot of tests she had a diagnosis. That's when Perrie and Alex realised she had been sick for many years already and they kept ignoring it. With how far along she was now she wouldn't be able to carry a child to term or even to a viable point without becoming severely unwell and seriously risking her life.

From a suspected pregnancy Perrie was diagnosed with Primary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis. It wasn't even the type where she had relapses with no or few symptoms. No she had the rare form that only 10% of MS patients have where her symptoms will only get worse and worse. Predictions based on the rate of disease progression, her symptoms, and her other health issues, it was determined that her life expectancy was greatly reduced. She probably wouldn't make it to 50.

Her actual quality of life, the part that really mattered, was a lot bleaker. She would never feel any better than she currently did. There were no medications to slow the condition and what she took for symptom management came with a whole host of side effects. PPMS starts in the legs, and the pain and stiffness is only getting worse. Some days it is difficult to walk and even sitting, her legs cause her a lot of pain. Alex watched as her falls became more frequent and triggered by more minor activities. Her nervous system was being destroyed and she will lose the ability to walk, use her hands, and if she survived long enough she wouldn't even be able to talk, move, or even breathe on her own. Perrie had wanted to give Alex a baby, not become the baby.

She was taking two different medications to manage her nausea but nausea was a side effect from her pain medications and muscle relaxants. They didn't make much of a difference and Perrie very quickly lost all interest in food. No matter what Alex cooked or ordered in she would struggle to eat it, some days having to refuse entirely when she felt too sick. It was a toss up on whether she would be able to keep the food down and Perrie found herself spending a lot of time camped out in the bathroom. She couldn't run safely anymore or without pain so it was easier to just stay in there, hating her body and what her life had come to. Even Alex stopped sitting with her as he still had a full life to lead. Not eating properly and being sick so much saw Perrie's weight start to plummet and she ended up on multiple nutrient supplements and iron tablets due to so many deficiencies.

Alex couldn't even look at her after a few months. Now that they knew and she was getting worse faster, even just looking at her reminded Alex that she was dying. He was losing her piece by piece and there was nothing he could do to help. He couldn't reduce her pain or stop the fainting spells and falls because not even her doctors could do this. Holding her, kissing her, even talking to her hurt him and he started avoiding her and their house. Both of them felt their relationship falling apart, Perrie tried to act fine to comfort him but she couldn't hide how she was feeling all of the time. She wasn't surprised when he left, Alex had left her a long time ago, but Perrie knew she couldn't tell anyone else. If anyone else knew then they would leave her too. Knowing that she was going to die alone made her feel sick again.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

"I wanted to tell you both, I really did. I hate lying and keeping secrets and when we made that promise I felt so guilty. But every time I psyched myself up to tell you the words would get stuck in my throat. I can't perform like I used to, a Little Mix reunion will be affected. But more than that, I don't want to lose you both too." Perrie was crying again at this point but was able to finish what she needed to say. "I'm so sorry."

She wasn't the only one crying. Leigh-Anne felt numb as she listened to everything Perrie had gone through and she hadn't noticed. How could she call herself the blonde's sister if she missed all of this? Hearing what Perrie was going to face was daunting but she agreed with Jade. Whatever it was they weren't going to leave her side and would face it together. Even if they couldn't fix her they would do anything to support her mental health and quality of life.

Jade was leaning over the edge of the sofa, head in her hands as she silently sobbed for half of Perrie's explanation. She finally admitted how she felt, after years had come to terms with her sexuality and was ready to tell Perrie, but how could she do so after hearing this? After everything she was still going to lose her love and there was nothing she could do about it. Jade had no idea on what types of clinical trials were running but there was nothing currently available to Perrie so she was going to keep on declining. No amount of love, prayer, or bargaining could change this.

"You're not going to lose us, Pez. Never ever ever." Leigh-Anne forced out through her tears, her voice wavering and abnormally high in pitch. She held her arms out for Perrie to sit in between her and Jade for a group cuddle. Jade kept on crying, her heart hurting more than it ever had with death or break ups before. It felt like a part of her was dying.

When Perrie sat down next to her Jade latched onto her side and held her close. Physical contact with the younger woman eased the pain in her heart. Perrie was still with her and she was okay at the moment. Keeping her that way was now Jade's main objective and she was determined to keep it this way for the rest of Perrie's shortened life.

"I love you Perrie. Please don't leave me." she cried into the blonde's neck, her golden hair tickling Jade's cheeks, smelling heavenly as always. How could a person with no sense of smell smell so good?

"I'll do everything I can not go anywhere for as long as possible. I promise baba." she whispered to Jade, placing a tender kiss on her wet, tan cheek. She knew her broken promise had greatly upset Jade but this was a promise that she was determined to keep. Little did she know that the other two felt the same way about their own promise. For the first time since she became unwell Perrie wouldn't have to pretend she is okay.

They vowed that nothing would come between them again, and despite all of the uncertainty about their future they would never break this promise.

There is it. Perrie told the girls the truth. Is it what you thought? What does it mean for their future...