loml - Walker Scobell

15. visiting wesley

we have finished filming season 2 of wednesday. im so relieved to be done with it for a while. i need to take a long break after wesleys death. its been a few weeks since the funeral, walker still hasn't reached out. i don't know what to do anymore besides hiding in my room and putting on a fake face for work. aryan comes over occasionally, but i just want to be alone mostly. i need to heal, but i know i never fully will.

walker is supposed to be coming home in a couple of weeks, but i would describe what im feeling as excitement. i was sad, obviously, but i was also nervous. what was going to happen? how was he going to act? was he going to ignore me and the fact that my brother died? why isn't he reaching out? i had so many questions, but they will remain unanswered, at least for now.

lately all i have been doing is moping around, breaking down at night, trying to spend time with my parents because they force me too, and visiting wesleys grave. my life sounds pretty exotic right? i just can't stop thinking about how i told him we were going out for dinner that next night.

actually, today im going to visit wesley. i put my hair in a low, messy bun, pulled on some sweatpants and a baggy t-shirt, slippers, and grabbed my car keys. i headed out the door and started driving towards the cemetery when aryan called me. my phone was on apple carplay so i answered it.

"hello?" he spoke.

"hi." i said quietly.

"what are you doing? do you want me to come over?" he said into the phone.

"im uh, going to visit wesley," my voice was raspy from crying last night.

"do you want me to come with you?" he asked.

"no, i-im going to go alone today."

he was silent. i neared the cemetery.

"talk later," i hung up before he had the chance to say anything else.

i pulled up to the entrance and slowly drove in. i drove up to my spot and parked. i got out and weaved through the graves in the grass like i always did, before i found "wesley davis". i approached it and stood in front of it, staring at his tombstone for a moment. i felt myself getting teary eyed like i have been. i sat down in front of him and crossed my legs, closing my eyes and trying to take deep breaths before a few tears fell from my eyes. i stopped myself from hyperventilating like the first time i visited wes. he would think i was pathetic is what i always thought, so i let some tears fall but i didn't wail and scream like i did at the funeral. if wesley were still with us, he woulde think i was embarrassing. i didn't want to make him feel like that so i tried my hardest to keep it together.

"hi buddy," i managed to get out.

for a second, i almost expected to hear a voice back, but i knew that wasn't going to happen.

"i miss you more than anything. i just rewatched that movie we loved so much when we were younger the other day. it brought back so many happy memories."

i paused, placing my hand on the grass in front of me, then touching his tombstone.

"we were supposed to go to dinner that next day before-" i took a breath, "do you remember? i was going to let you pick so you could cheer up a bit. i was secretly hoping you would pick olive garden because you knew that was my favorite." i let out a dry laugh.

my head went to my hands, letting more tears fall out. i sniffled and wiped them.

"im sorry wesley. i wish i could have done something, i blame myself all the time. i miss you so much and i know i say that all the time but i really do. i really wanted you to get better, i did, and im so sorry it ended this way for you. you deserved better and you were kind to so many people before. i don't know why you pushed them away. i don't know why you tried to push mom and dad away. i don't know why you tried to push me away. we all care- cared about you so much and loved you wes."

"not that you would care, but i know you are looking over me and walker still hasn't reached out. i wish he would be here for me like aryan is."

i shut my eyes again and bit the inside of my cheek.

"im gonna go. hopefully mom and dad come visit later. i will be back soon."

i stood up weakly and wiped my tears with my thumbs before walking away. i walked through all the graves, being careful not to disrespect any of them. i got into the car and put my stuff in the passenger seat. i started to tremble as my hands rested on the steering wheel. my head fell on top of my hands as i silently cried for a while. i turned the car on and pulled out of the cemetery quickly and drove home.

A/N short n sad chapter! i want to make it interesting because even im kinda bored