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P.O.V Nicolas
Her head was resting on my bare chest, her body limp on mine. She had passed out.
"Shit." I let out a curse before lifting her up and leading her to her bed.
Grabbing my phone out my pocket, I called the doctor.
~~~
Time hadn't moved slower than this moment. The moment I was waiting outside Angelina's bedroom, on the floor. I was sitting in front of her bedroom door with my head spinning.
My eyes kept wandering from the door to the time on my phone, not knowing which one to focus on.
"Blya, chto so mnoy proiskhodit, I'm going insane," I mumbled to myself, running my hands through my hair.
The ticking of the clock seemed to echo my racing thoughts. I glanced anxiously at the door, then back at the time on my phone, torn between worry and restlessness. The uncertainty of the moment weighed heavily on my mind, adding to the sense of unease that enveloped me.
"Fucking hell!" The cry came out without me being able to stop it.
Just as I was about to leave, the door opened. I quickly got up on my feet, staring at Dr.Kuznetsov expectantly.
"She's okay, but you need to watch over her. She hasn't been eating lately and has been put under pressure, which led to her passing out," he mentioned with a hint of disappointment in his eyes.
"Oh, and one more thing, she mentioned she doesn't want to see you, and considering her condition, I think you should respect her wishes. Maybe it's best to have someone else look after her," he added before departing with a brisk nod, leaving me rooted outside her room, my desire to rush to her side and ensure her well-being overwhelming me.
She doesn't want to see me.
Defeat had never felt this strong. At the moment, when I saw Angelina, my heart shattered into a million pieces. The pain of her rejection cut deeper than I ever thought possible.
Angelina's head turned towards the door, which had been left open, and our eyes met, she gazed at me, she looked at me with an icy distance, as though I were a stranger. The weight of her indifference left me feeling utterly crushed. Unable to endure the pain, any longer, I gazed away.
~~~
I sat alone in my office, consumed by anger, I found myself engulfed in surrender. Surprisingly, not even the usual ache that had haunted me for a year resurfaced within me. I knew she was here, with me, so the angry and frustrated that had built up for over a year wasn't there.
Sighing, I sat down behind my desk and dialled Ivan's number.
"Tell Vera to come here," I mumbled tiredly as soon as he picked up the phone.
"Um...why?"
"Because Angelina needs someone," who isn't you, my subconscious mocked.
"Yeah, of course." He agreed quickly, without hesitation, probably because he heard the exhaustion in my voice.
"Nicolas?" He said after a second.
"Yeah," I sighed, staring at the empty, dark wall with my spent eyes.
"Don't go back to the way you were before... with her, you were happy and alive, I mean although she stabbed me with a scissor, I still think she's good for you." his voice faded away, leaving a lingering sense of longing and memories of brighter days. The weight of those words echoed in the room, carrying with them a bittersweet reminder of what once was.
He was mistaken; going back to who I was before isn't an option. The path I'm on now leads to something far darker. Death itself would pale in comparison to what I've become. I was once merely cold and emotionless, now I am a void of emptiness and death.
"I don't think she wants anything to do with me anymore." I finally admitted.
"Don't say that. You bought her here, isn't that right?" Yeah, against her will.
"She doesn't want to be here, Ivan. She wants to leave. And I know, I know, I fucked up. I lied to her, I manipulated her, I caused her pain, I brought tears to her eyes, I drained her spirit. I wounded her... and now she despises me, all because of my actions. It's all on me, and... I'm lost on how to fix it..." I ended on a whisper. All my thoughts for the first time in a long time were freed, floating in the dim, quiet space. Relief filled my chest post my admission, yet as my thoughts materialized into truth, my heart grew burdened with sorrow and remorse.
"And I want to try and fix things but she isn't letting me."
"Nicolas, I won't say that our actions towards her was a good idea; she didn't deserve it, and it was plain wrong. And even if she may never forgive us or you, you must persist in seeking her forgiveness daily you have to own up to your mistakes and apologize, it's your duty to her. Even if she doesn't want to talk, you have to find a day where she would talk to you." his voice wavered, uncertain.
My heart stopped when he mentioned the possibility of her never forgiving me. She had to, she had to forgive me. And she would if she just let me explain. I had to explain, I had to explain to her. She would understand if only she allowed me to explain. I needed to elucidate, to make her see, to make her comprehend. The weight of her forgiveness was all that mattered, all that could set things right.
"I need to talk to her." I said as I hung up and stood up. I couldn't live with the possibility of her never forgiving me.
She doesn't want to see you; my subconscious reminded me.
I know, but I have to talk to her, I have to explain myself, I reminded myself what Ivan told me, continuing up to her room.
You'll stress her out.
I froze just outside her bedroom door.
It hasn't even been a full day, and she's suffered all because of you. She fainted because of you.
The doctor's explanation that she fainted due to hunger seemed weak in my thoughts.
It was because of the pressure that was put onto her, which I obviously caused.
"Fuck, it couldn't be because of me." I whispered, pacing outside her door, still skeptical about going in.
Just as I was about to open the door, I heard a soft cry from outside the door, and my hands immediately dropped to my sides.
I can't.
And suddenly I realised why I wasn't moving on; why I didn't want to move on. Because moving on means accepting a future without her, and maybe that's something I'm not ready to do yet
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Blya, chto so mnoy proiskhodit : Fuck, what's happening to me.
