To Be Loved // Masters of the Air

20: Too Late for Goodbyes

It all felt like nothing yet everything at the same time. The second I got the news of being in charge of the next mission from Colonel Harding, it came quicker than expected. Just how every other mission had felt like for the past few months. Quicker than I wished, quicker than we all wished. The first attempt to bomb Bremen was an absolute disaster, yet it seemed like a lifetime ago.

But now we were ready to fly again, hoping it would be better this time around. Most of the starting lineup ended being called in including Nash, Rosie, and DeMarco to name a few. Who knew there'd be so many others joining along wearing our Crusher hats and packs thrown over our shoulders not knowing what could lie ahead. We never knew until it was faced in front of us.

Walking out of the bunker with sweat covering my palms I keep my focus on the ground, away from the chatter of the other men. The sack thrown over my shoulder felt like a lifeline as I gripped it as tightly as I possibly could. As if the bag helped save myself from toppling over into endless thoughts about the mission and the fear that I wouldn't appear strong in front of everyone else. The leader I was supposed to be.

The voice of Major Kidd yanks me back into our harsh reality, of what was all around us as his words knock some sense into me again. "See you up there, Buck." The faint response of Kidd's only forces me to give a nod back to him, watching him walk farther away, leaving me to mumble to myself. Hoping that my own choice of words could reel me back into staying focused. "Scratch another one off."

My footsteps felt heavier than before, slower than before like my own body wanted to stay at the base a few seconds longer. The gut feeling in your stomach that you'd always get when something felt off, that's all I could feel as I forced myself along once more. A light tap on my shoulder causes me to still again, freezing in my tracks as I look at the culprit.

It was Rosie, of course it was him. From the weeks he's been here, it felt as if he already knew the others with me included better than I knew myself. With a knowing look he squeezes my shoulder, his words coming out in strings of encouragement. What he felt like I needed, what he knew I needed from seeing the expression written all over me. "We'll do fine out there, Major Cleven."

I tried to keep the mask on my face up to the best of my ability, yet he could see right through it. The only other people being able to read through me were Bucky and Y/N, the ones who weren't even here to witness my departure. "I'm sure we will Rosie, I'm sure we will."

Rosie left my side without a second glance, walking over to Nash as the two gripped their bags to make way for the donuts. Of course, I could see the way Nash looked at the woman inside the truck as Rosie went on his way. Nash's face filled with beloved admiration, and it only panged my heart to see it.

The next seconds felt like torture as I made my way over to the military trucks, regret and pain swirling inside my chest as if any giving moment my brain would yank me back into the memories prior to last night.

I knew I shouldn't have said anything, watching her face as my words cut through her like a sharp knife. The way her expression turned sour as I left her and Bucky in the dust. To run off like a coward instead of apologizing for the way I lashed out. It just felt like they never understood, but how could they if I never let them in up until the moment where I've already snapped?

It didn't take long for the military trucks to load the rest of us in, driving along the bumpy stone pavements towards the runway. My mind drifts back to where I've been and I hadn't noticed how I've already squeezed myself into a truck. Already on its way to the planes.

How I needed to focus before everything could go haywire, I couldn't be reckless now. If I couldn't be a strong hopeful leader for the rest of the men, then who could?