𝐕𝐞𝐧𝐭/𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐬𝐭 𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫:(
𝐓𝐖:
𝐒𝐮𝐢𝐜𝐢𝐝𝐚𝐥 𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐮𝐠𝐡𝐭𝐬
𝐒𝐞𝐥𝐟 𝐡𝐚𝐫𝐦
I dirtied my pillow case with tears, screaming and crying into it. I seriously don't know how much more of this shit I can take.
I can't do it anymore, I can't I can't I can't. I need someone, but I don't have the strength to reach.
I punched my mattress over and over, crying as my chest rose and fell. I feel like this is my final straw, my ending if you must.
I am tired of fighting the urge to scratch my flesh away, I am done fighting. I can't keep telling myself it will get better when I have been saying it for years.
I sat on my knees, tears dropping down onto the sheets as they rapidly fell.
"FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!" I yelled, hoping Miles couldn't hear me through his loud music from down the hall.
I lifted my arm, looking down at the long scratch scars from a few weeks ago. I felt the fire in my chest grow as I envisioned myself giving into my urges.
𝐈 𝐚𝐦 𝐟𝐢𝐧𝐢𝐬𝐡𝐞𝐝 𝐟𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠. 𝐈 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐤 𝐢𝐭𝐬 𝐭𝐢𝐦𝐞 𝐭𝐨 𝐠𝐢𝐯𝐞 𝐮𝐩 𝐧𝐨𝐰.
I hyperventilated, lifting my other hand and bending my fingers. I laid my nails over my arm, rutting against the skin.
I squeezed my eyes shut and more tears fell, wails and cries leaving my lips. This is probably the worst I've gotten.
I decided to do it again, I had to. I repeatedly rutted my nails against my skin, feeling the familiar burning sensation.
"SHIT!" I yelled as my emotions broke me to pieces.
𝐈 𝐚𝐦 𝐛𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐤𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐝𝐨𝐰𝐧 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐈 𝐝𝐨𝐧𝐭 𝐤𝐧𝐨𝐰 𝐡𝐨𝐰 𝐭𝐨 𝐬𝐭𝐨𝐩.
I opened my eyes, seeing some scratches drew small amounts of blood. My arm was red, burning even.
My eyes welled up in even more tears as I saw, realizing it was probably the end of the line for me. I balled up my fists, lifting it and punching myself in the scratched up arm.
I did it again, and again, and again. Slow, hard punches turned to fast ones, littering my arm in bruises.
Soon my punches scattered throughout my body, not caring where I got bruises from. Each blow was painful, but it was outage at the same time.
It's an addiction I have been fighting for years, one that I have ran from and come back to numerous times. Something tells me I won't ever get a break from it.
Something always lurked in the back of my mind. What he would think.
I can't bear seeing my baby look down at my arms and stomach, seeing the bruises and scratches. It would crush him.
He's seen them before, but they were fading scars then. But what if he sees them fresh as they are now?
As much as I fear him breaking down, I need him as of now. I have to see him.
I sniffled, wiping my cheeks and pulling down the sleeve of Miles's brown sweater. I continued crying, unable to control it.
I slid off of the bed, continuing to hyperventilate violently. My feel hit the floor, almost stumbling as I tried to walk.
I walked across the room, my breathing rapid and heavy. When I reached my door, I weakly turned the handle, wincing as the sweater rubbed against the fresh cuts.
I sniffled again, walking outside of my room. When I looked down the hall to Miles's room, I felt my crying get even worse, thoughts of him taking over my head.
I walked down the hall, my breath hitching and whimpers coming from my lips as I cried. Before I knew it I was in front of his door, wiping my tears with the sweater sleeves as more fell.
His music blasted through the hunk of wood, I guessed he was lying in his bed or sitting in the odd chair of his. I lifted my fist, hesitantly knocking on the door.
I knocked three times, anxiety filling my veins as I felt my knees weaken and start to give out from my crying and the situation. After a few seconds, his music stopped.
I guessed he could hear my sobbing through the door, because damn his footsteps were fast. The door burst open, my vision blurry from tears.
"Y/N? Baby what's wrong-"
My knees gave out, me collapsing into his chest as he quickly wrapped his arms around me. I violently cried and sobbed into his body, gripping his red sweater tight.
"I- I-.. tr-ied-" I attempted to explain, but my crying was too much.
Even without looking at his face I knew he was extremely concerned. He rubbed my back, letting me cry.
"Darling.. darling it's okay.. I'm here.." he softly said to me, planting a kiss on my head.
He pulled me into his room, slamming his door shut.
"Can you walk love..? Do you need me to carry you?" He asked me.
I supported myself, giving him his answer. Miles nodded, being safe by gripping my waist anyways.
We walked to his bed, miles gently sitting me down and doing the same. He turned towards me, trying to calm me down as I hyperventilated.
"Love.. who did this to you? I need a name." He asked me, rubbing my shoulder and my waist.
"N-nob-ody hurt m-me.." I said, my crying making me stutter and tumble over my words.
He cocked his head, scooting closer. He lifted his hand that was on my shoulder to my cheek, cupping it.
"Are you sure honey? I can take care of it for you." He asked me again.
I shook my head no, making miles nod understandingly. He softly planted a kiss on my lips, laying me down on the bed next to him.
He brought the blanket up, covering both of us. He faced me, gently stoking my cheek.
"Do you want to tell me what's going on? You can tell me anything sweetheart." He said to me as my crying slowly stopped worsening.
I sniffled, hesitating. I slowly moved my arm up to view, miles softly holding it.
"What happened?" He asked me.
I felt another tear fall, sitting up as he did too. I slowly brought my sleeve down, miles looking at it.
His eyes widened, holding my arm gently. His lips were slightly parted as he stared down at it, shocked.
"I'm so-rry I really t-tried to stop b-but everything was t-too much and-"
Miles dropped my arm, quickly wrapping his arms around me. He held me tightly, his head buried into the crook of my neck.
I gathered myself, slowly pulling him closer and letting the tears fall. He rubbed my back, pulling me back down to lay on the bed with him under the covers.
"I'm sorry.." I whispered.
He pulled away, his face with a solemn expression on it.
"No. You don't need to be sorry. You have no right to be sorry. You are going through something, and I'm going to help you through this. Everything is going to be okay, I'm gonna take care of you. I'm not mad at you, I'm proud of you. I'm so proud that you tried to push through this and resist, but I'm also proud of you for reaching out. It takes so much work to reach out, and sometimes it can be the most difficult part of struggling. I'm going to be here with you and I will help you get through this." He whispered, kissing me on the head.
He softly wiped my tears, soon planting a few kisses on my scratched up arms. I lifted my hands, entangling them both in his curly, dark hair.
"I love you darling." He mumbled, kissing me on the lips.
"I love you too.." I whispered, sinking into the crook of his neck.
___
𝐒𝐡𝐢𝐭𝐭𝐲 𝐞𝐧𝐝𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐜𝐨𝐫𝐞<𝟑
