The sun brings me comfort

Chapter 19: Eomma And Appa

(Pov switch)

Namjoon couldn't help but run out of the room the moment they were done. He felt his heart beating rapidly against his chest and his eyes were wide as he slided down against the wall curling up into himself in the hallway lettingbhis thoughts rampage in his mind.

Everything was wrong, it made no sense, nothing made sense and it felt like sick dream or better yet sick nightmare making him experience the same thing he dreamed about for so long. The dreams of endless hope and sorrow mixing with grief and pain for losing someone so important to him without even getting to say goodbye.

He remembered how jealous he felt when Jimin and Taehyung grew up and reached a point where they did everything together and how they would be called lucky to have their own best friend from day 1. It hurt him so much and he could always see the pain in his parents eyes as well when people made comments and the fact none of the ones who knew of his twin brother made it hard to act happy when he got old enough to see the secret pictures of him and his twin.

Nothing hurt him more and there would always be a place in his heart for his twin brother but even if his brother wasn't with him anymore he was still part of the family. The baby with a heart shaped gummy smile and a heart birthmark on his forehead. He remembered his mother had written in their hidden baby album of the baby's cheerfulness and little judgy side eyes as well as bubbly laughter. There were endless baby pictures of him and his twin together and playing together and being two peas in a pod.

His favourite picture was of both of them dressed up for a family picture at 3 years old with Seokjin, Yoongi and the twins in their parents arms. The twins would never remember him but he would always remember the boy who gripped the painfully familiar plushy in his arms next to him who had his own blue koala plushy named Koya in his arms. Namjoon hugging his twin with his Koya in his arms and Hoseok hugging him back with his Mang in his arms.

Then it was all ripped away from them...

There was never instances where he really thought his brother could return since he wasn't declared only missing but he was declared missing and dead. His parents would never lie to them and since they truly knew that the boy would never return they held out to tell the younger ones until they were old enough to understand the reality of it which Namjoon found unfair but he knew it was only because they couldn't say it out loud yet either.

The only thing that was making it hard to control his crying at the moment was that it was like the world was playing a cruel joke sending them a boy that had the same mark as his brother, same age and the same love for the small plushy. If he tried hard enough he could remember the baby pictures and say they look scarily similiar but he could feel his breaths getting shorter and shorter until warm hands cupped his cheeks and he heard the voice of his older brother.

"Hey, hey it's okay just take in deep slow breaths Joonie. One at a time, in and out, just follow my breathing okay?" He knew the voice belonger to Yoongi and he followed as the boy coaxed him back to breathing normally before he threw his arms around his smaller hyung and sobbed hard. He could hear Seokjin's voice as he approached as well as when Yoongi asked if Seokjin knew what was happening to him.

He only cried harder trying to ground himself in reality not wanting to give into the fantasy of hope forming like a fairytale giving them a happy family at the end filling the gaps.

"I think it would be best if we speak in my room....we saw something that-"

Seokjin's words were soft and Namjoon with a clearer mind would have never interrupted so suddenly but he felt the name echo in his head and he so badly wanted to know if he was imagining it or not.