IN THE SHADOWS - (TNN - SIOBHAN/SARA/VARIOUS)

CHAPTER SIXTEEN

Once Sara was inside, Siobhan dutifully took the flowers from her. She smiled and said "thank you, they're beautiful. I'll put them in some water, would you like a drink?" Sara was looking back at her but Siobhan couldn't quite place the emotion behind her expression. If she'd had to guess she would have said that Sara was looking at her suspiciously, but surely that made no sense? The brunette finally replied "that would be lovely, I'll have whatever you're having." Siobhan gestured towards the lounge "make yourself at home and I'll be right back."

Siobhan rushed into the kitchen and closed the door behind her, placing the flowers on the counter. Her mind was racing with a million questions and she was feeling slightly breathless. Sara seemed so sweet, but Siobhan knew more than anyone that looks could be deceiving. As she poured Sara's wine she focused on her breathing, managing to calm herself down somewhat. When she reentered the lounge, she spotted Elizabeth sitting on the sofa. She was allowing Sara to scratch her head, although she didn't look particularly happy about it.

They decided to order food and over the next couple of hours as they chatted, Siobhan felt so much better. Sara seemed as genuinely interested in her life as always and her presence had such a calming effect on the blond. Once they'd finished their dinner, Sara focused her attention on Elizabeth again. The little grey fur-ball looked on as the brunette called to her "come on Lizzy, I know you like me really." She giggled when Elizabeth narrowed her eyes slightly before saying "shes not an easy one to win over. I will win her over though." She winked at Siobhan, making her blush a little.

Sara turned back to face Siobhan completely, before leaning forwards slightly. Just as their lips were about to connect she whispered "is this ok?" Siobhan just nodded and as their lips connected, she sighed. Just like last time she relaxed into the kiss slowly, eventually feeling confident enough to place her hand on Sara's thigh. She wanted to connect with someone so desperately and kissing Sara felt so natural, but she still felt confused. Over the last few months she'd worked so hard to like her body and she was finally starting to feel like it truly belonged to her again. Part of her wanted to experience physical intimacy that wasn't transactional, painful or humiliating but part of her really wasn't sure that she was ready for that yet.

Eventually Sara placed one hand on Siobhan's waist and the other on her arm. Her touch was so gentle and Siobhan wanted to see how much she felt comfortable with. She felt proud of herself for not panicking, this was a huge step for her and she didn't want their contact to end.

When Sara placed her hand around Siobhan's wrist and pinned it against the sofa, everything changed. Memories flashed through Siobhan's mind of Roger dragging her upstairs and squeezing her wrist painfully. She thought of the times he'd restricted her movement by pinning her wrists against her body and suddenly, the only thing she could feel was terror.

She's going to hurt you.

Siobhan's whole body jerked backwards involuntarily and she pulled her wrist back from Sara's grasp. All she wanted to do was run and she honestly thought she was going to be sick. Running through to the kitchen she bolted out of the back door and into the garden, she needed fresh air. For a couple of minutes she stood with her eyes closed, trying to catch her breath. She jumped when she heard Sara's voice "Siobhan, are you ok? I'm sorry if I've upset you." She turned to face the brunette and as soon as she looked into her eyes, she could see how worried she was.

"I'm sorry, I just..." Siobhan trailed off, not sure how to continue. Would Sara think she was pathetic? She watched as the brunette came closer very slowly, stopping just short of standing directly within her personal space. "You can talk to me about anything Siobhan. You've been through so much and I really don't want to hurt you. Please tell me."

Siobhan felt like she was standing at a crossroads. She could tell Sara to leave and stick with being alone, safe in the knowledge that nobody could hurt her. Or she could keep trying to work through her feelings, no matter how hard it was. Taking a deep breath, she started to tell Sara about the flowers. The brunette nodded as she spoke "I knew something had unsettled you the moment you opened the door. I'm so sorry he manipulated you like that and if you don't like flowers I'll never get them for you again." She stepped forwards slightly and held her hand out, encouraging Siobhan to hold it. The blond did so beforehand saying "he used to drag me around by my wrists and pin my arms against my body. I know you're nothing like him, but my body hasn't quite caught up to my head." She paused momentarily before adding quietly "I'm not sure it ever will completely." As she looked down at the ground, she placed her hands over her face to hide her embarrassment.

"Can I put my arms around you?" Sara asked, waiting patiently for Siobhan to decide. Several seconds passed by before the blond nodded, prompting Sara to embrace her warmly. Whispering into Siobhan's ear, she reassured her "I will never do anything to hurt you and you can always say no to me. Please don't ever feel afraid to tell me to stop."

As Sara's words began to sink in, Siobhan felt a weight lift from her shoulders. It was fine that she wasn't ready.

Finally, she could say no and her wishes would be respected.

She really was free.