Starlet • Lukadrien [Miraculous]

Chapter 20 | inhuman

Adrien hadn't really realised it until he was re-reading the second draft of his book, but his complex feelings about the nature of his existence has bled into the story. Through the character he'd created to parallel himself, his feelings had been poured into the pages.

I had always known I was different from the other kids, but I never new why. What kid does? What kid understands complex emotions and the world around them. But as I grew, the feeling never left me. The feeling I was... remarkably inhuman. I felt like a zombie, a body that moved but had no real identity or mind of its own. Simply wandering through life at the direction of survival. But rotting from the inside out. I was a shell of a person, a blank slate for my father to project his unfulfilled fantasies onto and live vicariously through. A face to put on a billboard changed to suit the viewers ideas of me with makeup and the newest hair styles.

I didn't actually know who I was, who I truly was at my core, my personality, my identity. Until I met Liron, he was dripping with personality. He knew who he was and what he wanted in life. He had an identity, and he helped me discover mine. I was so drawn to him, because he was absolutely nothing like me. Opposites, we were. He was the moon, I was the sun. He was life, I was death. He was music, I was silence. He fascinated me, everything about him. His family supported and loved him, he had big dreams he'd chase until he reached them, even his appearance was beautifully unique.

I loved him, because he was nothing like me.

Adrien read that passage over and over again, processing it. The way he'd accidentally uncovered some deep seated identity issues by writing them through the characters that paralleled him and Luka. Because looking back on their teen years, he really had begun to discover himself thanks to Luka. Not just his bisexual awakening, but his love of writing from all the days he'd helped kitty section write songs. The love of a thrill, taking a risk, something Luka introduced to him by encouraging him to be a rebellious teenager. His deep desire and love for individuality and uniqueness, shown to him by his desire to have a style and personality as identifiable and personal as Lukas.

Adrien fell for Luka, because they were opposites. Luka was everything Adrien wanted, and he gave Adrien all that and more. Support, love, fun, thrills. Cracked him out of his shell, tore off that model boy mask and stomped on it so the real Adrien underneath it could finally shine.

But despite all that, Adrien still had this sinking feeling in the back of his mind that he didn't feel human. Like he was an imitation of one. One of those mimics you hear about in horror stories that look like humans, but there's something off. He loved Luka, dearly and deeply. And he felt so alive around him. But when they were apart, he felt hollow and like he was back on autopilot. Only Luka could bring out the human in him.

Adrien decided that was enough editing the second draft for today, it was giving him an identity crisis. Closing his laptop, he got up and walked downstairs to find it had gotten late, Nathalie was off in bed and the house lay still and dark. He flipped on the kitchen light, pulled out the kettle and turned it on to make tea. Maybe that would help him wind down, get his mind to stop racing. But as the water boiled, he found himself yet again staring down at his ring. The one underneath his miraculous, HIS ring.

If Plagg weren't already passed out in his little dollhouse bed, the kwami would be (softly) smacking him and telling him to stop thinking about it. But it was hard not to, especially when he'd just realised a painful truth.

He'd never felt truly human. Not a day in his life. The closest he ever got to it, was when he was with Luka, and he'd light up like the Eiffel Tower on New Year's Eve.

Maybe he should tell him.

If Luka was the only person he'd ever felt truly alive with, maybe he was the one who should know. They were dating... he'd probably find out eventually. But there was still that fear in the back of Adrien's mind, fear instilled in him by his father that no one could ever love him if he wasn't perfect. That he was a monster. They always called them that... senti-monster. Inhuman beings, shells of a person. But this was Luka, Luka Couffiane. The man who'd accept you no matter what as long as it made you happy and healthy. The man who'd been with him through thick and thin for years. The man who even after not seeing each other for over a year, was able to pick back up where they left off like no time had passed at all.

Luka loved him.

So why was he so scared to tell him the truth?

The click of the kettle switching off snapped him from his daze. Dropping a tea bag in his mug, and grabbing a spoon to stir some sugar in with, Adrien picked up the kettle... and proceeded to spill some boiling water on his hand.

"AH- FUCK-" he yelped, quickly putting the kettle down and turning the cold water tap on, sticking his hand under it.

He hissed in pain, watching the skin on his hand start to turn red. Despite the quick reaction to run it under cold water, he'd spilled quite the amount on it, boiling hot water too. The noise had alerted Nathalie, who was quickly out of bed and down the stairs.

"What happened? Are you ok?" She asked.

"Burnt my hand" Adrien hissed.

She rushed over, taking Adrien's hand to look at it. The still steaming hot kettle beside him told her everything she needed to know.

"Shit- put ice on it. Water that hot can cause first degree burns, if we get it treated now it might not damage the skin to bad" she said, quickly grabbing the car keys.

Adrien grabbed an ice pack from the freezer, stuffing some shoes on and followed Nathalie out the door. Trying to grit his teeth through the pain of ice on a fresh burn. Even though ice would help with swelling and skin damage, it sure as hell fucking stung.

"Sorry..." he muttered, feeling bad for waking Nathalie up.

"It's fine, I don't want you getting infected blisters or anything. I'd rather drive you to the ER at midnight than leave you suffering just so I can sleep a bit longer" Nathalie replied.

Always the mother figure she was...

Maybe the late nights were getting to Adrien, making him tired enough to spill hot water on himself in the first place. Tired, disoriented and overthinking.

Although he couldn't help but notice... he felt the pain. He felt it, bad. This shit stung, holy fuck he couldn't wait to get some painkiller and treatment on it... but still, he could feel it. Humans felt pain. At least he could feel pain, that was almost like a reminder that he was more human than he felt.

And somehow it was a boiling water burn, on the hand that held his rings, that made him decide he was finally going to do it.

He'd tell Luka the truth.