A Hard Rain's A-Gonna Fall

Chapter L: Round and Round

"And why do you say that?"

I stared down at the floor, my trainers tapping the buzz cut carpet. I shifted in my leather seat, the white walls closing in. The clock was slow. I only had to be there a couple more minutes. I promised Angus I would stay for an hour. 

I refused to look at the shrink. But I could feel her gentle stare bore into me. Maybe I belonged in here. Maybe I really needed help. 

But I still wanted out. 

If I had never been born, maybe so much of this could have been avoided. True, I wasn't responsible for Bon's passing or Phil's choices. But Angus would be free from our neighbour's loving house calls. All the crackpot post she kept sending us, trying to trick him into dumping me. It was funny at first but now we were about ready to move. 

Angus wouldn't have to turn down every advance he got from beautiful women simply because of me. Or he'd have been married by now to someone who wasn't afraid of taking that step. Someone with a great family who loved him and thought he was right for her. 

I wouldn't be here in this office right now after my mental breakdown the other day. I wouldn't be riddled with mental health illnesses and I couldn't burden anyone with them. My family back home wouldn't have been so disappointed with the way I turned out and therefore wouldn't have targeted me in their jeering. 

Rather than think of any positives of me being alive, I simply waited for the clock to chime. When it did, I stood up. So did the shrink. "Well, Miss, our session is over for the day," she said following me to the door. I opened it but before I could leave she had one last parting message. "I hope you'll think about coming back."

I nodded. It was the best I could do.

Angus sat on the floor in the hallway leaning against the wall. Right above him was a 'No Smoking' sign and his fingers were twitching. He stood up as soon as he saw me. "How'd it go?" I didn't answer. I wanted to leave as soon as possible and walked quickly. Angus kept up and pushed the front door open for me. As soon as we were outside he reached in his pocket for his pack and lighter. "Ya' don't wanna tell me?" he asked lighting one.

I shook my head and we scampered home. 

**********

Cooper and Atlas lunged at us when we walked inside and Angus ushered them back. I went to the couch and sat down, hugging myself again. Angus went into the kitchen to make tea and Atlas jumped on the couch next to me, resting his head on my lap. Cooper followed Angus, watching very closely for dropped morsels. Coming back into the living room he set the tea down in front of me and took a seat. I stared at the cup.

"So..." Angus sighed and folded his hands across his lap. "Did everythin' go okay?"

I nodded. Sure, it went okay. I only told a complete stranger some very personal things and went home hoping she'd keep her promise of patient confidentiality. I didn't burst out crying or anything. I made it home in one piece. So all things considered, yeah, it went pretty well. 

"Give ya' anythin' to think about?" Besides whether or not to make another appointment? No. I shook my head. Angus sighed. He rested his warm hand on mine. "I know maybe ya' don't want to talk to her, but will ya' at least talk to me?"

Angus was no professional, no licensed therapist, no holder of any doctorate's degree. But he was still my friend. 

I finally expressed my thoughts. I let out everything I had kept bottled up for so long, everything that had happened to the pair of us. Angus sat listening, petting Cooper's head when he jumped on the couch next to us. Still no tears nor any choked back sobs. I managed to tell him everything without breaking down. 

"That's a lot to take in," he finally said. "An' a lot to carry." He smiled at me but I didn't feel like smiling back. "A lot's happened, hasn't it?"

"And not all of it good," I mumbled.

"No," he agreed. "A lot of it wasn't good..." He picked at his jeans and stole tiny glances at me once in a while. "Ya' really think I might leave ya' for someone else?"

"No..." I said. "I don't know." Angus squeezed my hand gently. 

"I won't," he said. "The thought never even crossed my mind. An' whatever our neighbour would have ya' believe is wrong. She could send in a whole parade of models in their bathing attire an' I'd send 'em all away. She can write all the filthy letters she wants an' we'll use 'em as kindlin' for our fireplace."

I finally laughed and Angus laughed with me. Deep down I knew Angus wouldn't leave me. Because that's the kind of person Angus is. But I still worried that maybe he was tempted. He said the thought never crossed his mind...but...

"An' losin' Dad was the hardest thing I've dealt with this year, an' I can imagine it was rough for you too," he said. "We've lost some good friends....an' Bon...an' I know we're all worried about Phil...but there's some things we jus'...can't change. Ya' know? So why worry if we can't change 'em?"

"Easier said than done," I said. 

"I know," Angus said. "None of us can change Phil's mind, that's up to him. An' it's natural an' all to be worried...we jus' take days one at a time, ya' know?" I could feel the stirring of tears and I fought them back. "An' work an' all, yeah, that stresses everyone out. An' if I ever come home with a bad attitude because of it...don't mind it, love. It jus' is what it is. We've been through a lot, ya' know? An' hey, remember last year? The whole...incident....down in California?" I froze. "That was pretty fuckin' bad. An' we're gettin' through it."

I wanted to forget that so bad. I repressed it for months. 

"We'll get through this," Angus said. "Maybe sayin' that doesn't hold a lot of weight but..." He shrugged. "Best I can do." I leaned into him, careful not to squish either of the dogs. Trying to rid my mind of the awful memories of last year. 

All those people...

"Can I ask ya' somethin'?" Angus asked. His body felt stiff beside mine. "Have ya' taken any sleepin' pills lately?" I shook my head honestly. They weren't helping anymore anyway. Only making my nightmares more vivid. I felt his body relax and he sighed. "Good. I jus'...I don't need you gettin' hurt on top of all this."

I suddenly thought of something.

For some reason it never occurred to me that for one second Angus might be worried about me. Aside from my obvious state of poor mental health and my sudden consumption of sleeping pills, things were pretty tame on my end of the stick. I hadn't been accused of inspiring a murderer, nor were any of my personal friends going through what Phil was going through. I was always at home gardening or making tea. I didn't realise that maybe...whenever Angus was gone for long stretches of time...he might be concerned about me too. 

I wasn't alone in this. I wasn't only losing Angus for the tour, he was losing me too. We were being separated from each other. Angus always admitted he was worried for me during my episodes but he hadn't mentioned our normal day to day. How much had he been bottling up too?

We had a lot to talk about that evening.