Feedback From Us (BYR)

𝐑𝐡𝐞𝐞𝐞𝐞𝐞𝐛𝐞𝐞𝐜𝐜𝐀

His Beats On Mine
By RheeeeebeeccA

COMMENTS

FANTASY CATEGORY
Judge Exrineance

― BOOKCOVER: 3 / 5

I found the book cover to be a bit confusing as it didn't convey the fantasy theme of the novel clearly. The image of a hand, possibly atop someone's chest, was the only detail I could discern. I understand that it's ultimately up to the author to decide on the cover design, so I won't elaborate further. However, I would suggest using font colors that contrast with the background to improve readability. For instance, if the cover features dark colors, the font should be of a lighter tone, and vice versa.

― DESCRIPTION: 5 / 7

While I am used to writing long synopses, I believe that the author in this case may have given away too many details that could potentially spoil the story for readers. It is fine to introduce Aminah, May, and Khaos as the main characters, but revealing specific details about Aminah's power and Khaos sparing her life might be excessive. I think it would be more effective to keep these aspects vague in the description so that readers are left intrigued about Aminah's abilities and the outcome of her first encounter with Khaos.

― CHARACTERS: 20/ 23

It is crucial for the characters to undergo individual development, particularly our main protagonist, Aminah. I will provide further explanation on this matter later.

― GRAMMATICAL/TYPOGRAPHICAL: 7 / 12

Your novel is a promising work that has the potential to shine even brighter with some polishing. I have learned from my own experiences and would like to share some suggestions with the author to help enhance the story.

― PLOT: 25 / 25

May I express my appreciation for the well-crafted plot! The chosen trope is a timeless classic and was executed seamlessly, leaving me thoroughly satisfied. While some may have differing opinions, I personally found the character development of May particularly captivating. The unjust death and subsequent revival through Aminah's intervention presented a unique and intriguing concept, especially the idea of multiple souls residing within her. I can't help but wonder if there were instances where these souls influenced May's actions in any way.

― NARRATIVE: 14 / 20

An aspect of the story that troubled me was the way the scenario concluded. I enjoy reading foreign English novels, which often contain such instances. While I generally don't mind, excessive use can disrupt my flow of thought and emotional connection to a specific scenario. I find it challenging to read smoothly when encountering more than three paragraph breaks in quick succession. To improve coherence, especially when depicting multiple scenarios with varying time frames within a chapter, transitioning to a third-person perspective could enhance the reading experience for the audience.

― GENRE: 6 / 8

Respectfully, in the first five chapters of the story, I found that the fantasy elements were not as prominent as I had hoped. The length of each chapter added to my confusion initially, but I eventually found what I was looking for. I have no issue with lengthy content, as I am also inclined to write in such a manner. However, my concern is with the delayed introduction of the fantasy aspects. Typically, the first few chapters should establish the characters and world building, which I felt was lacking in terms of fantasy elements. The introduction of ghost Barbara felt more like a mystery/thriller with supernatural elements rather than a traditional fantasy scene.

― OVERALL NOTE

Being in a competitive setting necessitates a technical approach from my end. However, setting that aspect aside, I genuinely appreciated the experience of reading His Beat On Mine. The descriptive storytelling within the narrative was particularly impressive as it greatly aided in visualizing the unfolding scenes. Your skill in that regard is commendable.

FEEDBACK

― What was my first impression as a reader?

Based on the description and the author's chosen title, I initially perceived Aminah and Khaos' first meeting as delightful. I assumed it might involve 'love at first sight,' but as the narrative unfolded, it appeared to be more about a 'love that transcends time'.

― Which character did I like out of everyone?

I appreciate Fernandez and his señorita line. His humorous side nicely complements the complex personality of Aminah, making them seem like they would make great friends.

― Which unexpected scene left me emotional?

Khaos's introduction really resonated with me emotionally. I have expressed multiple times that this part stood out to me because it was where the action truly began to unfold. It was the moment I thought to myself, 'Yes, this is the type of fantasy I've been looking for.' It's where I discovered magic, powers, and mystique.

― Which part of the book did I like?

I was truly captivated by the narrative. The use of 'show and tell' was quite impressive, creating a perfect balance without relying solely on character dialogues. The continuous action and movement throughout the story, from the beginning to the latest chapter, never failed to amaze me.

― What did I not like about the story?

Regarding Aminah's character, I am finding it challenging to fully connect with her. Although she is expressive throughout each chapter, there was a moment where she made a decision that seemed contradictory to her established persona. This instance made it difficult for me to relate to her deeply, as she typically shows a strong sense of love and protectiveness towards May. I question how she could make a statement that implies otherwise. Could she truly believe that May would be fine without her? This inconsistency in her actions is making it hard for me to feel a strong connection with Aminah.

― Advice:

[The use of rin, din & rito, dito]

I have also gained knowledge about this through book awards like this one, and I would like to share some with you.

⇨Alway remember that rin, rito, riyan and raw must be used after the word that ends in vowels.

e.g.

Kasama raw ako sa pila?

Ginanahan si Lora na magtrabaho kasi nariyan ang crush niya.

Sinabi rito na hahanapin niya ang pumatay kay kumpare.

Hindi rin naman masisisi ni Gaspar kung bakit siya nasuntok.

⇨Then din, dito, diyan and daw should be used after the word that ends in consonant.