BTS Eighth Member | The Life: Year 2018

Chapter 34- Communications of the Future

May 21st, 2018:

"We need to talk," I state, wiping away a few straggling tears.

All the boys look at each other, putting down their chopsticks and pushing away their dishes.

"Ok, yeah... We do," Namjoon nods seriously.

He stands up and goes to close the suite door which usually always stayed open for anyone to come in and get food and drinks or just chill out.

"I know we've all been thinking this," I say not sitting and running my hand through my hair anxiously, my eyes looking everywhere as my mind was whirring, "... like what is this... what are we doing?"

I let out a deep sigh, letting the hand that had been going through my hair fall and slap my thigh. I turn around, wiping my eyes and start walking around not looking at the boys who remained silent.

"Like I don't know, maybe it is just me, but... what are we doing here? We've just had a huge comeback. We are the biggest musical group in the world... and all I can think about is how disjointed and lost we are... Or I feel we are... like Jimin oppa said, are we doing this for the sake of doing this? When was the last time we had a break? When are we going to get a break? Have you seen the schedule? Are we creative artists making music because that was all our dreams or are we just becoming industry line-workers now..."

My voice was desperate as I spoke, and I finally looked back at the seven men sitting at the table. Jimin had his head in his hands which he'd propped up on the table on his elbows. Hoseok was biting his lip while Namjoon looked upset his jaw firm. Yoongi was looking at me seriously looking like several things were going through his mind.

"Come on, you should sit down," Jungkook says pulling out the chair I'd vacated a while ago.

"No, I'm fine," I say pacing slightly, "but I want answers. What the f*ck are we? A product, an industry commodity or our own musical artists with visions and like... I don't know... agency..."

No one said anything again.

"We have to talk about this, guys. The longer we don't, the more... the more I suffer," I admit, tears starting to fall in earnest now, "I'm scared guys. I don't know what's going to happen to us and, honestly, if I even want to keep going... I've been trying so hard to stay strong and be confident and be who I say I am... but with the schedules, the threats, the interviews, the performances, the attention, the..." I crouched down wiping my eyes unable to bring up Hanbin's lies to them yet. Taehyung got up and crouched down hugging me, "if this is fame, if this is what being a mega superstar... I don't want it. I know we had an amazing day yesterday and I don't want to ruin the mood for you guys... but I... honestly, I didn't have the most amazing day I thought I'd have. I know I've made it all in my head, I'm sure, but we need to talk".

Taehyung hugged me harder for another minute before I patted his arm and stood back up to sit down. Hoseok, Seokjin, Jungkook, and Taehyung all looked teary-eyed. Jimin's shoulders were shaking, and you could hear him sniffling.

"I think you're right," Yoongi is the first to speak up as I sat down, "I don't know what we are doing here. I'm thinking ahead of the next comeback and with the company, I sometimes feel it gets too gimmicky. Like we are a commodity. I thought that's why we made BT21, give them their commodity that represents us without us having to be it. But at the same time... I don't know, to a certain extent, we have to acknowledge that the music we make is a commodity. Art is not only appreciated but bought and sold as well. We need to get paid at some point. So... I don't know... I'm conflicted".