Kara looked back and there stood Caitlin Clark, with her hands tucked in her pockets and a soft smile on her face. Her eyes were searching Kara's for a second. Kara smiled lightly in return, mustering up her best smile to not show tiredness. And restlessness from her thoughts.
"Sorry, I just followed you out here, not that I was watching you or anything like that," said Caitlin, all fast and jumbling her words. Caitlin's face was tinged pink, and she kept running her hands through her hair while talking. A nervous tick. "Sorry. What I'm trying to say is that I noticed you seemed a bit bothered."
"I'm okay," smiled Kara, reassuringly. Going to walk a little bit past the soccer field, finding a bench that was behind a goal, facing away from the house. It was a spot she discovered the first week of living there, and she went there to clear her head and even journal a bit. "I just needed a moment, socializing has been the only thing I've been doing ever since the start of summer."
"Oh! I'm sorry, I can go-"
"No. Stay," said Kara, through Caitlin's panic. "It's okay."
Caitlin smiled at Kara, letting silence take over. A few beats passed and Caitlin's phone began ringing. Caitlin pulled her buzzing phone out of her pocket and muttered a small "sorry". It was Connor.
When Caitlin had her phone in her hand, there was nothing else she could notice. It was evident when Kara had to redirect her out of the coffee shop one day while she was texting. The girl couldn't multi-task for anything.
Kara looked the girl sitting next to her on the bench. She didn't turn fully to make it so obvious that she was looking at Caitlin, as if she would with the way she was so invested in her phone. Kara saw Caitlin's texting away on her phone, the tiniest hint of a smile gracing her lips. It made Kara feel slightly better that it wasn't a full smile, but still there was something that made Caitlin slightly happy from Connor.
This was her moment that she was looking through Caitlin, through how she had lost this race to the further depths of her heart. Kara knew that as she was busy trying to live and slowly develop something, if anything, with Caitlin. But she was now busy intertwining herself with someone else. Kara buried the image of Caitlin with Connor deep into her head, forgetting about it. She was late, but she couldn't do anything about it.
"Sorry, Connor was asking me about my schedule for next week," said Caitlin, sincerely. "But are you good? Like seriously."
Kara thought for a moment. She honestly didn't know how to carry on conversation with someone she deeply liked, but she wasn't going to throw a pity party in her head. She'll just live with the idea of liking someone who is already invested in someone else.
Suck it up. Smile, bitch.
"I don't know how to describe it other than 'okay'," sighed Kara, smoothing out her sweater. "I love the holidays, but there's always that time where time passes during the day, and loneliness consumes me. Like, how can I feel so lonely when all I need is around me?"
Caitlin frowned, Kara was looking forward at the grass moving with the wind. Caitlin didn't know what Kara meant, but she understood it in the context of connecting it to basketball.
"I think I know what you mean," said Caitlin. "Like in a crowded room, you still feel like something is missing. Something to make you feel whole?"
Kara hit her lip, chewing on it for a second. What Caitlin said was almost pinpoint exactly how she was feeling. It was a stretch to consider Caitlin making her whole, because she had Kate's love and her family's love.
But no...it wasn't love yet. That's too far. It's only been a short time Caitlin has been in Kara's life.
"Something like that," smiled Kara, turning her head to look at Caitlin.
"You know you have so many people around you, Kar. You have Kate, Jan, your sister, your parents..." started Caitlin, putting a hand on Kara's knee that was bouncing up and down fast. "You have me too, never forget that. No matter how lonely you feel in this world. We're all here."
Kara smiled weakly putting her hand over Caitlin's. Caitlin flipped her hand so now her palm was up, holding Kara's hand.
But if I had you, why does it feel like I don't at the same time? Why do you feel so far from my grasp, Clark?
• • •
Kate had never seen her best friend in such a disarray in her life. She was genuinely concerned. Now Kate knows how Kara felt when she was given a lecture on how much hot sauce Kate consumes. Kate was watching Kara scramble around the kitchen island stacking papers of approval of filming and things that are allowed to be filmed in the house. It was the first week of December.
"Nothing inside University of Iowa, no text messages shown unless approved," muttered Kara, checking off her list of things she approved that would be sent to producers before they came in two weeks.
"Kar, you need to eat something. You were up at 5am decorating the house and you haven't eaten anything since," sighed Kate, pushing a plate of cheese, crackers, and salami to Kara. Kara huffed and closed her eyes, covering her face with her hands. "I can see it in your eyes, you need a break."
There was never a time Kara would ever willingly choose to take a break. She thought it was a good thing, which it was. But at the same time, she knew it was detrimental to her overall health.
"Thanks, Kate," sighed Kara, taking a seat next to Kate and accepting defeat from her best friend. "I'm sorry you had to walk out to this."
"It's okay, Kar, but when I notice you slacking off in taking care of yourself, I'm going to snap you out of it," said Kate, rubbing her hand on Kara's back lovingly.
Kate knew that Kara only got like this if something triggered her. Like if an interaction or some big news was brought forth to her, she would go into this hyper OCD mode and almost crash out from how hard she was pushing herself to get things done. Heck, she decorated the whole house even assembling the tree herself this morning at 5am. That was Kate's sign something was wrong.
"Kara. I need you to be honest with me," asked Kate carefully. "What's wrong?"
Kate was careful about her words, knowing that Kara would over analyze them if she phrased it wrong.
Kara on the other hand just stared straight ahead at the kitchen, at nothing in particular. Her hair pulled into a messy bun, was being pulled out and Kara let her locks loose. Running her hands through her hair and massaging her head, she finally spoke up.
"I think I like Caitlin. Like a lot."
• • •
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